a refrain

my heart just teleported to the outside of my body. now here it lays:

i love these warm fuzzy jammies that my friend natalie gave her. they make her seem like a tiny dalmatian. but judah got a different impression this morning when he saw them. he kept calling her "soccer." not a bad interpretation.

i have fallen hard for this little fuzzball. hard, hard. she is so sweet, so chill and the easiest baby since...well, judah. for all intents and purposes, she could actually be a little boy now except during diaper changes (front to back, people!), so i don't really do anything differently because she's XX and not XY for now. but my dreams for her are so different than for judah. so much more first-person and relatable. i have walked through so many of the girly battles that she still has lain out before her. boys, periods, mean girls, fear, insecurity. so my heart goes out to her in a whole new dimension that it never really could with judah. in a much more, i know what you're going though sort of way.

something tells me it's special, this mother-daughter bond. and maybe i had to be the mom to figure that out fully. because i know my mom must have snuggled a warm little nuglet of a baby keight and thought all the same things, feared the same fears and dreamed the same dreams. gotten punch-drunk looking into my tiny face and imagined being just the best of friends.

because of what a snot i was growing up a lot of those dreams didn't happen, or at least have been delayed. i really mourn that lost time and depth for both of us. but i'm not sure how i could do anything "better" than my mom did to ensure that layla and i don't have go nuclear before we can truly love and appreciate each other. she was great, i just wasn't ready to see her that way until my twenties. i guess i just have to pray that layla has the grace and maturity that i didn't that can equip her to see my heart for her, even when i don't do it the right way all the time.

this little babycakes. she has truly stolen my heart and made it her own. just like this song did. can we talk about how weird that whole thing was?!?!?! i still have NEVER heard that song again. just that one day RIGHT after the ultrasound. somebody knew that this tiny little girl was going to sneak up on me and rock my world in the best way imaginable, and was trying to let me in on the secret.

hey little girl
black and white and right and wrong
only live inside a song
that I will sing to you
you don’t ever have to feel lonely
you will never lose any tears
you don’t have to feel any sadness
when you look back on the years
how can I look you in the eyes
and tell you such big lies
the best I can do is try to show you
how to love with no fear
my little girl
you’ve gone and stole my heart
and made it your own

1 comment:

  1. Never heard the song, but love the words, and the way you're processing girldom! It is so wonderful to have a child of your own sex...although, as you know, that doesn't always mean we can figure them out!!! Praying for a really sweet relationship for you and Lay Lay (and me and her too!) It's incredibly fun to see you so smitten!!