love is an open door (only one though)

It started with a brutal insult from me to Jesse. 

We were in the car and I was singing screeching out my favorite of the Frozen soundtrack songs, "Love is an Open Door," the duet between Anna and Prince Hans (doy). 

 

Jinx. Jinx again!

Jesse, rather understandably (to a rational person, at least) jumped in on the boy part. I immediately and violently shushed him and barked, "No, stop! I want to sing it with him. I like his voice better."

And almost immediately after it was out of my mouth, I was like

 

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE

See, I wanted to live out a little 2-minute fantasy wherein I play an ignored, shut-in, Nordic princess falling in love with a cartoon ginger prince (who, if you've seen the film....you know...) at my first ever ball. And in pursuing this little mental escape, I had just majorly taken a chunk out of the heart of my real life, forever husband AND managed to insult his singing voice in the process (he is a professional worship leader, soooo...extra wounding points landed there). 

It got me thinking about how often I do this. How often I innocently--for just a moment--wish my love story was something different, or had something more than what it actually does. It could be anything from "I wish I had met my husband in a really crazy, serendipitous way like Anna and Hans," to "my life would be so much more exciting if I was just Khaleesi Drogo."

 

Duh

Of course, we do this all the time. A huge part of the fun of books and TV and movies and putting yourself in the characters' place and imagining how you would walk through their story. There’s probably nothing wrong with that.

But I noticed in that one moment when I snapped at Jesse to butt out and leave me and Hans to our little interlude, in chasing that little escape, it had become wrong. I was actually resenting Jesse a little bit for being not that. "You aren't able to fulfill this little side-dream of mine, so just please shut up and let me pursue it elsewhere for a second, thank you."

I thought, "Isn't that just like a stereotypical American living in 2014?" (Maybe that's an unfair generalization, and I should just say, "isn't that just like me?"). In my actual everyday reality I have a husband who is faithful, attentive, hilarious, kind, hardworking (at home maybe even more than at work!), utterly committed to me, and also damn freakin' hot. I feel like 99.9% of women everywhere who have ever wanted a husband would be pretty happy to end up with a guy they could describe that way. And yet here I am trying to mentally cherry-pick for some fictional more, and being pretty lazily ungrateful for my real man in the process.

It made me see how dangerous it can be to look outside of your own love story for something that might be missing, for something more. 

Okay, sure, if it's 3 dragon eggs you're looking for, you're probably going to be alright. But what if what you're looking for is attentiveness because your husband never seems to have much time anymore for just pouring into you, but your neighbor or some guy at work hangs on your every word?

I think if that was me, I would be tempted to start to somehow convince myself that I could have both. My husband.....aaaaand maybe just the good feelings the attention from the other guy brought me too. And that just gets into a bucket full of yikes.

So after my horrible moment of insulting Jesse I decided to make a commitment to our love story. To stop daydreaming on "what it would be like if..." and spend time in and on our story. Our. One. Story. 

It might not be worth selling the movie rights, it might not have a single talking snowman or Targaryen in sight, and it--gasp--probably won't even make me "feel happy" a lot of the time, but it's the one that is real and it's the only one whose lead male character has actually vowed to give a crap about how that story turns out.

Maybe your prince or your love story isn't how you would have described him/it when you wrote the dream script of your life. Maybe you say, "yeah, easy for you to say, keight, since you have the guy of your dreams already. But what if I’m stuck in my story with someone i don’t even like anymore?" first of all, that has been me...LOTS of times. second of all, unless we are talking abuse or infidelity (and sometimes even then...y'all know I believe the restoring power of Jesus is seriously bananas and can do anything), I just don't see where it's ever going to be more profitable to pour yourself--your effort, attention, grace, everything--anywhere but back into your current marriage.

I know that this is a really simplistic view, and that it's far uglier, far more complex, and can feel far more hopeless than I’ve described. I just felt like, for a second, I got a really good glimpse of one of the ways satan can start to tempt my mind away from my own magical (that's not mushy baloney! 2 trying to become 1 is magic...straight up, playa) love story, and it was such a powerful moment of exposure to me, and so convicted me that I felt compelled to share.

It's hard. But I think it's always worth it. And that, my friends, is what she said.

We reclaimed that song, by the way. FOR US. It's officially a Keight & Jesse love song. So as you might expect, that track now plays a lot more like this in our car (except we don't call ourselves good-looking on YouTube).

wherein my husband has children with another woman...for jesus

yall might be familiar with John Waller, the christian singer. 

a few months ago, one of our great friends, Dawn, who is a passionate advocate of adoption, and is also friends with John and was crucial in the production of the video, asked if Jesse and Layla could be a part of a project he was doing for his upcoming music video for his beautiful song about adoption and the heart of christ.

she said it was going to involve many real life families who have adopted (including hers...she and her hubby, Don--yes Don and Dawn--have 3 awesome adopted chilluns). i didnt think much of it. Jesse and Layla were gone the whole day and he told me about some of it when he got back, but i guess i thought he was probably making a bigger deal of his one little part in the video, especially since we havent adopted and children (so far) and i figured he was just a filler guy or something for the real stars.

and then a few days later he showed me the final cut (which just went public yesterday). ummm, so yeah they are sort of slightly prominent in the video just kind of. SERIOUSLY WATCH THIS:

you may recognize Jesse's flipping adorable "son" as Judah's real life BFF, Marc, who is Dawn's youngest son and who i just love to pieces because he is a beam of sunshine (and whose bday party this hilariousness occurred at).

okay so if it wasnt strange enough to see Jesse playing the loving husband to a (GORGEOUS!) woman i dont know, there he is being the dad of Judah's real life best buddy. and then just for funsies to blow my mind even harder, we throw in Layla as the adopted daughter in this fictional family.

i felt a little bit like i was having an out of body experience watching half of my family get swapped out!

Dawn told us that they had wanted a little girl who didnt physically resemble her "parents" in the the video so that it would be understood that the little girl with glasses who was adopted at the beginning of the video (who grows up to be Jesse's "wife" with glasses) had, in her married adulthood, adopted Marc and then also adopted a little girl as well.

despite being genetically 50% the same, the combo of Jesse and Layla fit the bill of "looking unrelated by blood." it also was perfect since they wanted the little girl to really run into the daddy's arms and getting a three year old to do this with a stranger would have been tough.

after i got over the initial bizzaro feeling that accompanies watching your spouse play house with someone else (how to spouses of actors do it?!?!),  i fell in love with the entire video. we have many close friends you have adopted (creightons, dockerys) or are adopting so this video and song are just such a beautiful picture for us of how we are ALL adopted by jesus and how much is heart is for earthly orphans as well.

the part with all the families toward the end are all real life adoptive families and that gets me every time. just tears for the heartbreak and the beauty and the jesus magic that is adoption.

a little director's cut bonus footage fact: Jesse told me the day of filming had been long and taken a toll on miss Layla's already miniscule attention span. so Dawn all day had promised Layla candy at the end if she behaved. so at that emotional climax of the video when Layla collapses into Jesse's arms and i am tearing up, i always start to laugh because Jesse divulged that in this loving embrace, my little mercenary is whispering into her daddy's ear, "you hab sweet tahts?" the piper must be paid.

after seeing the impact of the entire project, we feel so honored to have been even a teensy part of this beautiful song and the reminder of jesus' heart for all of us as his adopted children. rock on.

Viley Vyrus at the VMAs

*please be sure to read the comments section and my updates...especially if you think i am being too harsh (because you are right!). while i wont erase or take back what i wrote, i will apologize and say that i wish i had shown more grace and used a gentler, more thoughtful approach to how i was feeling.*


i watched the VMA's for the first time in like 10 years last night (not counting the comeback that must not be named). only the rumor of an N'Sync reunion could impel me to intentionally land my TV on MTV and i did so at my own risk by watching live rather than tivo'ing it. (PS, that was big of justin to let his bros perform a bit with him but i was DYING at fast he had them sucked back down into their holes of obscurity).

i pretty much already thought/knew that miley cyrus had jumped the shark and was really leaning in to the whole, "i'm not a disney kid anymore" thing (or rather, "i aint no mickey youngin', yall *TONGUE*"). yet, i somehow managed to be utterly shocked and revolted by her performance nonetheless.

i facebooked my dismay:

Keight Dukes

miley cyrus just gave my brain an STD. beyond VILE! gimme britney and a python ANY DAY!

11 hours ago

Keight Dukes Jessica  i would say to youtube it tomorrow, but it seriously made me stupider and disgusted and sad that this is what some kids are dying to be. if i had two free assassinations i might be using them on her and kanye. I JUST WANT TO SEE NSYNC!! but now i need to bleach my eyeballs and give myself an enema made of classiness to undo the damage.

11 hours ago

i am not going to link to it on this blog (the url alone might give my domain digital herpes--not to be confused with digital getdown), but you can definitely find it easily if you want to see what i am referring to (gird up your loins, because she is going to try to touch them).

i have never seen so little clothing and so much tongue in my life. i had never seen a 20 year old use a foam finger to fondle a 36 year old married father (not that he was innocent or unwilling by any means). the amount of air-humping, violent twerking, and crotch grinding/grabbing positively overloaded my sensors. 

it managed to go way past my (rather liberal) sense of "lol this is ridiculous" and land squarely into disturbed and saddened for miley, her parents, and basically the parts of our culture that say "yeah, that's what we're looking for."

so is this a new thing?

i think the last time i intentionally watched the VMA's as a show (and not just for one performance) was 2001. that year might not ring a bell, but i'm sure you remember one of its most iconic scenes.

even at age 18 i realized it was a tad ridiculous, but i feel like britney spears' huge yellow snake number was somehow a million times classier than the garbage i watched last night.

am i deluding myself? is it because i was in the target age group when britney performed, but have since aged out and am too old to understand miley's gyrations?

admittedly, i was asking jesse--who had turned away in utter disgust and sorrow--"what if this was layla!?!?" which is a typically fogey-ish mindframe, and, NO, i would not be thrilled with my lay-lay being a slave 4 U (or anyone really), but while i have a double standard for my pop stars and my offspring, there seems to be even a "too far" for that category (which layla is obviously never allowed to be in) and litte miss montana found it. 

i'm sure folks were appalled by britney and the snake and  "i'm a slave 4 U" (i mean, not THE most empowering anthem for women, undoubtedly), but it must be said that she could dance, she could PERFORM and i think that while pushing it (as is expected at these things) she managed to look womanly and still leave something to the imagination.

 i feel like miley ONLY cared about shocking. and last night i learned that the last three syllables of the word "titillating" make a WORLD of difference. 

it's bad when i find myself hoping that a 20 year old is on drugs and not actually making these decisions with a sober brain.

i am making fun of miley a lot, and i definitely want to put her in a very long timeout (and inside a firmly locked chastity belt and on a course of strong antibiotics for good measure); however, the main emotion i feel is sadness for her. and for all the girls who want to be a "star" like her (aka "horny alien on MDMA") and probably will have to sell out even more as they fall short of even that low standard. sadness that they really think of this as the best possible story for them. 

did yall see it? what did yall think? am i just painting my own generation as better when actually it was just as bad? am i just old? are we being given what we've asked for or is MTV responsible for pioneering new horizons of trash? is it miley's fault or is she just a product of child stardom? how the hell do i keep my daughter from lionizing this?

all this miley thinking got me singing one of her hits in my brain, and i was darkly amused remembering this line:

Hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream & a cardigan

Welcome to the land of fame, excess. Am I gonna fit in?

YES. sadly. please put your cardigan ON!

UPDATE: thank you to a sweet and gracious reader who reminded me to be clear on the difference between the person and the behavior. hear me: i want to direct my hatred, disgust, homicidal tendencies and cutting jokes toward the LIAR (satan) and the behavior, and to shower the hurting, confused 20 year old girl herself in love and grace. my apologies if that isnt how this post sounded; it IS my heart though, all jokes aside.

i feel very convicted that i wouldnt want a hurting miley to ever read this post and think it was how christ felt about her. i think christ would say: "i love you. YOU are enough. i have a better story for you than this."

(thank you, kai!)

better, more thoughtful perspectives than mine:

1. why this bothers women, particularly. (this one is 100% me...because i WAS like miley at 20!)

2. why we are so sorry for the life that got here here, but why her behavior really isnt okay (disagree about the best voice thing)

i got 9 reasons why my man is #1

jesse is 31 today!!! 

so very them. she: with the blurry loco. he: with the loving adoration

if you couldnt tell from my amazing Blue-Ivy's-dad remix title, here are 9 (because 99 would make me late to pick up my kids) reasons why my husband rocks my face and knocks my socks both firmly into the OFF position..

-that hair. marrying in your early twenties is kind of like buying a pound puppy surprise. youre thrilled just to get one, but how many puppies each momma dog contains is completely unknown to you. so at 22 you could fall for a boy with lush locks, and, barring some genetic intel from his male ancestors, you would have no guarantee that he will have all (or any!) of it by the time he's 30 or 40. well, i am pleased that my pound hubby (but not like that, ew) is rocking a hearty hairline at 31. i wouldnt love him any less without hair, but it's a nice bonus. love the curls, love the color. love it!

-how much he loves being a dad. there are good dads and then there are good dads who ENJOY being dads. i firmly believe these are different things. jesse is obviously the latter. the amount of fun he has with our kids is mind boggling (though sometimes very LOUD) and i could eat it up. if you dont find yourself smiling while you watch this, you have no soul and would be awesome at staring contests i bet.

-he makes AMAZING breakfasts. his specialty is eggs but he is also quite good at your waffle/pancake/french toast category as well.

-jesse is super talented at IT stuff. his degrees are spanish and international affairs, and yet he seems to be able to fix any computer/tv/digital problem that ever comes up at our house. i think he might even know what a subnet gateway mask is...be still my data packets.

-he has big muscular legs. this is great for 2 reasons: one-i like a thick man. and two: i have enough insecurities about my legs without having to see them being bigger next to my husbands. i know skinny girls who have that dynamic with their husbands because some guys just have the most stick-like legs naturally (and not unattractively). 

-he always pumps the gas/takes out the trash/feeds the animals/drives the car. i just like that even though these arent inherently hard jobs for females to do that he takes them so that i dont have to.

-he smells great. even his lived-in-for-two-days shirts smell great. part old spice and part just him-smell. even when he's "stinky" after a workout it's just not that bad.

snuggle in close, the smellin's fine!

-his musical skills. i am spoiled that i get to hear/see jesse sing/play guitar every single sunday as e is a professional worship leader. that never. ever. gets old or loses its magic. i wrote more about it on his 30th and just how much it gets to me. i'm awed by his natural talent, by the hard work he put in teaching himself guitar at 18 and how seasoned he has become as a worship leader (tuning a guitar onstage WHILE praying!?!?!)

-how he loves me. yall, this isnt like a "he's so in love with me" thing. it is sort of, but the part that makes me a lady gone gaga is how he has LEARNED to love me. learned how to bless me in my own weird, totally unique, freakishly-keight way in my role as a wife/mom/human, how to make it easier, make it fruitful, and help me mature. he constantly points me back to jesus and give me a safe, biblical environment to grow into the woman that god wants me to be. it took a few years for him to realize that it wasnt his job to MAKE me that girl himself with reminders or fights or pointing out my shortcomings, but instead to just give me loving, secure roots to ground myself in while jesus grows me. i coudnt BE more grateful for his work in that area and it has BUUUUUUUUUUH-LESSED our family.

i love you jesse, here's to at least 2 more sets of 31 years together! 

-10----->+935

jesse wrote this song and blogged about it 10 days before our layla took her first breath. i just stumbled back over the post today, 935 days after her birth,  and was brought to tears by how much she has lived up to and exceeded our wildest hopes for our little girl and what she would do to our hearts.

(seriously, if you havent listened to it...you need to)

we had never seen her, never touched her (those lucky OB's had), never heard her make a noise. all of the love and hope that went into this song and what we felt for her was an expectant one,a forward-looking one. 

if you've ever been pregnant, you know how ENDLESS that time is after 37 weeks, when the baby is totally big and ready enough to come on out. i read the posts i wrote from early november, 2010 and i have to laugh sympathetically at that poor, bloated, beached seacow of a me who was just about to lose her mind with being huge and pregnant and wildly missing a little girl whose face she had never seen. 

 as frantic as she was to get that hummus out, so were we to get HER out

sitting here at 935 days ex-utero and knowing this child backward and frontward, i am just in awe of how she fulfilled our dreams of what adding her to the family would look like, and then blasted straight through them and into a whole other dimension of joy and wonder.

beyond hoping for...this little creature.

and what a miracle that this exact experience happens and has happened billions of times over...it's not just for us! except it kind of is, too. the most intimate and yet universal thing on earth: life!

everything about pregnancy is magical. looking back at the pure and expectant love that we had before meeting layla from the standpoint of today, where she has just always been here and been adored, is really special in its own way.

keep blowing us away, tiny one.

we loved this one.

but this one makes our jaws drop

...she was in there all along. INSANE!!!

story time

do you like surprise endings? well, read on, because this story has a good one.

this is a true story. 

its the 80's: boy meets girl. they both love jesus. they are cute (well, 80's cute) and charming and they fall in love.

who ate sushi in the 80's!?!?! only the coolest of cats, yall (look at all the differnt button styles on that ONE shirt!)

they get married.

a tiny-waisted stevie nicks lookalike and her bearded groom!

two years after graduating college they have their first child--a boy-- in 1987. a little girl comes along two years later followed by a surprise baby boy 18 months after that.

necklaces are worn outside of turtlenecks and there are un-ironic mustaches. it was a different time.

a four year old rocking the turtleneck/blazer combo. swagger.

in the next 22 years this family raises these 3 kids. they model a christ-centered marriage and a kingdom life. they serve, they go, they give, they do, they serve some more, THEY LOVE. 

and then the kids all turn blonde spontaneously.

the family has their struggles but they all come out on the other side loving jesus and each other more.

yikes. awkward tween years are a perfect example of what this family has overcome (no worries- they all end up quite handsome)

told ya.

the oldest son graduates from college, marries a perfect ballerina and they have a little girl, the first grandchild, 2 years later.

this little branched-off family loves jesus madly.

i mean...

um, hi, are you kidding me? grandparents are NOT allowed to look like this.

the middle child, the girl, grows into a beautiful, magnetic, passionate young woman. she graduates college and decides to become children's minister. she meets the boy of her dreams. he is handsome and funny (and mind-bogglingly good at Ruzzle, dangit) and he loves jesus. they get married.

more proof that awkward teens make GORGEOUS adults.

at this couple's wedding, their parents get a spontaneous STANDING OVATION upon leaving the ceremony from all of the wedding guests because it is so clear the model they have laid down for this couple and how deeply rooted the new bride and groom are in christ already. (has that ever happened before in the history of the world!?!? )

this january, the surprise baby boy that our couple had back in 1991 turns 22. he is graduating from college and becoming a teacher. oh yeah, he loves jesus too.

still looking for that special lady...any takers? (hahaha sorry nick, this was the most representative picture)

these parents have raised their flock to adulthood. 

they have stewarded the hearts of the children that jesus entrusted to them and they have done a beautiful job. 

their kids' faiths have strong, independent legs that will stand wherever they go.  this family is rock solid and is one that we can all look up to and learn from.

on their recent 28th wedding anniversary.  and they lived happily ever after. their hard work of parenting is over...right?

by almost any standards of "good parenting", our couple should get a "great work! you did it. now go enjoy YOUR time!"

the end...

roll credits

except--bonus footage TWIST!--this couple gave their entire lives to jesus a long time ago, not just their 20's, 30's and 40's. so as long as they are living they are listening for his voice and following him. 

turns out when you follow jesus, he leads you straight to his children.

right around new years, this couple began to understand the next chapter jesus was leading them towards and they obeyed.

are you ready for this?

jesus told them that they had 3 more kids. 3 teenage kids currently living in an orphanage in the Ukraine.

these three kids:

sophia, natasha and ura

they are now deep into the process of adopting all three kids and becoming their forever parents.

do you get that? at 50, with 3 amazing adult children freshly raised, they are expecting again! 3 kids! teenagers! who dont speak any english!!

you may be tempted (by the minions of lord voldemort himself) to think, "so what? they already did 3 kids, what's 3 more?"

to you, dear lunatic, i say *face slap* because you are clearly a hysterical drunk who doesnt realize how hard parenting even ONE child is, and the relief that comes with getting each child to a new level of independence and the sheer terror of going BACK and giving up a single fingernail of freedom that you have fought for (do you sense my personal feelings coming through?).

these two people, ann and greg creighton, are mentors to me and jesse. they are ministers, caretakers and idols to our kids. they are our close friends and they are our brother and sister in christ.

yall, they are my heroes (despite their unfortunate collegiate affiliations).

so here's where we get to be a part of this story. 

as probably everyone knows, any adoption (or parenting venture!) is expensive and scary. it can be overwhelming and filled with pitfalls and brokenness.

now multiply that by three.

as their friends and as fellow members of the creighton's chuch (church with a little c, as in the building we meet in) we are standing behind them and this path jesus has called them to. we are saying "you are not alone" and promising to walk the road with them.

but we the Church (capital C...as in the body of christ) can help on a way bigger scale. because jesus was pretty clear about taking care of orphans, and this is a beautiful way to be his hands and feet rightnowtoday (even if youre not sure about jesus yet...i think we can agree that a loving family and home is preferable to an orphanage).

here are 3 things you can be a part of:

1. PRAY. for the creightons, for natasha, ura (pronounced yuri) and sophia.  for the paperwork, the hearts, the communities. PRAY. you can learn more about the specific needs of everyone and updates on the creighton's adoption blog and their twitter account.

2. make a donation right now! towards the out-of-pocket-costs of the adoption (over $40,000!). no limits, no strings, and 97.1% of the donation goes to the adoption (the other 2.9% goes to paypal).

3. come out and meet the family at a special fundraiser concert that jesse is leading! it is this saturday and you can donate and buy shirts that evening.

4. buy an adoption t-shirt!  SOLD OUT! you guys, i designed these (braggy, yes) and for only the second time in my life didnt use microsoft word as my design platform. for such an idiot, i think they're kind of spiffy sweet.

the design is the word LOVE superimposed over a map of the Ukraine with its flag colors. there is also a tiny heart over the city where the kids' orphanage is (Kherson). the back is an acrostic of the word LOVE inside of a bible verse (idea stolen --in love--from this family's adoption shirt).

 modeled by the big sister to be!

the shirts are the softee cotton blend type that are all the rage (NOT the ultra thick beefy tees) and are a beautiful charcoal grey. 

i know internet stuff can be sketchy...so let me say loud and clear that i put my name, my blog and my own integrity behind the legitimacy of this adoption, this family and this fundraiser.

i have given to adoption fund raisers in the past through weird bloggy friend-of-friend connections, to strangers or even just to be entered in a giveaway. no matter how "random" the family was when i first learned of them, i still feel connected to these families and those adopted children in a really special way that i never expected-- even years later. 

i hope you will choose to support the creightons and be blessed by a similar connection!

under normal circumstances i would not advocate trusting people in a picture like this. but in this case, i can personally vouch for (and make fun of) them.

feel free to tweet, facebook, pin, share, carrier pigeon or just yell about this adoption/post/funraiser/family. the louder the better.

let's bring the rest of this family HOME!

because we were orphans too when He adopted us.  and because with jesus, happily ever after becomes happier ever after.

any further questions about this process, the shirts, etc. can be directed to me or stephanie (the kids' future big sister, our children's minister, and a BFF of mine)  at putapuredukes (at) gmail (dot) com or stephanieanndavis20 (at) gmail (dot) com.

unwritten

OMG i have crushing blogger guilt, you guys. 

it hit me full on when one of my stupidly pretty friends told me last week, "i noticed that you dont share as much lately  on your blog as you used to." and i was all, "bitch please!"

it's true though. 

while i do have a few pretty sah-weeeet things coming up to post about, i just dont vent here on the deep stuff like i used to. and if you really love me then you know thats a good thing. 

it's good because it means i am living in community and working a lot of my junk out with human faces (i almost typed "feces" there...ha! havent tried that form of therapy yet) and so i dont have as much of a need to unleash all of it here in this particular season.

but the thing that i love about this "space" (i've been watching a lot of "biggest loser" lately and jillian's vernacular, if not her calorie-burning,  is creeping in) is that it's kind of whacked out and all over the place and subject to fits and starts and periods of massive productivity and crippling lethargy and EPIPHANY OMG YOU GUYS I AM MY BLOG!

whenever i have to fill something out for an advertiser and they ask what category my blog is i usually spend like 10 minutes fiddling with the drop down menu because, ugh, "define me!!!" (name that sitcom!). 

because depending on the day, i am a food blog, a craft blog, a home decorating blog, a spirituality blog, a humor blog, a family blog, a political blog, a bitch, a lover, a child a mother, a sinner a saint...no wait. i've veered. 

and so in a just perfectly tailor-made pun: LIKE my blog recently, i am unwritten. sometimes my tries are outside the lines, oh oh. i am just staring at the blank page before me...

i might need to step away from the light pop channel on my radio, yall. (but for real, i might dream of breaking it down with a black gospel choir in an elevator like this.) p.s. this song is so saccharine but so kick ass. i dont even care.

i guess what i'm saying is, i do this as an expression of me, and while i'd like to say it's JUST for me, it's not. i want to make yall laugh, i want you to like my kids (for the love, please tell me that pic of layla on the previous post was as cute as i thought it was!), to think jesse's hot, to puzzle through tricky jesus things WITH me. i care about yall and i hate the thought of making you bored or letting you down. 

if you like this blog, you'd probably like me in person. but just like my IRL friends know, i'm not good at keeping a steady pace. i'm a fluctuator. i am the fluctukeightor (that looks like such a mean german cuss word!) and sometimes you hear from me 5 times a week and then sometimes i disappear.

i havent gone anywhere or decided to slow down the bloggy crazy train. it's just a slow season. i'm probably just busy wearing my gaucho pants frolicking in puddles with an assortment of kids from all different ethnicities right now.

i'm sure i'll brb.

thanks for being here. for reals x 1000. 

dukes & sons

if we ever start a family band (and by "we," i of course mean jesse and the kids since i am the least musically gifted human mammal since a burro with a broken tibia), we have the picture ready for the cover art of their debut CD:

of course we couldnt have gotten this picture on purpose if we had tried. rather it was right after we arrived at the fair and i was just finishing buying tickets while jesse attempted to control the kids' insanity at being plunged into so much stimulation, and keep them confined until we could point that energy in a direction that included seatbelts. 

he was trying to get the kids to come with him back over to me and obviously they took that to mean "peel off in opposite directions away from both of us...and layla, bust a sweet move on your way out, please. ready, break!"

vocab of the day

i couldnt find jesse anywhere in the house last night. finally, i checked the garage and there he was:

my husband: singing and playing his guitar about, for, and to jesus, on top of the lumber and next to the power tools that he will use to build our family amazing things, and in front of the minivan that he is man enough to LOVE driving because it is what is best for our family.

where i come from, friends, that is what we call a real panty-dropper.

hope lost/found & 20% off my etsy shop

remember when i raved about our friend ryan kiesshauer's debut album? and how i gave away one of his CD's in my first ever bloggy giveaway?

well 2 years later, we still listen to and love every track of this CD. ryan wrote every note and every word and it is just mind-blowingly good (especially with his awesome wife bethany singing harmony). if you dont believe me, you can listen to a sample here. ryan is not one of those artists who thinks that because he took guitar for a semester and loves jesus that that means he needs to become a songwriter. yuck. i'm sure jesus appreciates those songs of praise, but i dont. this is well written, well-played music from a seriously talented guy.

well ryan is selling his album for 50% off. you can now get one of his "hope lost/found" CD's for just $5. that's just 38 cents per track! worth it!!! go buy one NOW in his store.

as a reward, and to offset this meager investment, i am offering 20% off my entire etsy shop for anyone who purchases a CD from ryan this week. dont be sneaky...i will check and make sure you have already bought a CD. just enter the code KIESS20 at checkout.

Reaganing the weekend

post title reference

i dont think a weekend has ever ever ever made me so happy or gone so perfectly. we didnt win the lottery or anything obviously awesome like that (though i did buy a ticket for the first time last sunday after i woke up from a nap with a song of 5 specific numbers stuck prominently in my head...no luck though), but it was rife with golden simplicity nonetheless. i want to remember this.

saturday morning we were up eeeeearly to run a 5k that our church was putting on. it was only my second run (the first was a short and painful 1.5 miles in january) since the half marathon in DECEMBER. for shame.

i prepared by eating hot dogs and cheese the night before and attempting to go to bed early by taking a tylenol pm. but i couldnt remember if i actually took it but i also couldnt find the un-taken pill. since the dose for humans 12 and up is two pills, i took another to be sure.

big mistake.

i was high as a kite and out of my mind.

this has happened once to me before: in the hospital after layla. i took 2 percocet so that i could sleep through the pain and soreness and instead of putting me to sleep it was like watching a laser show in my own brain for 3 hours.

so i was up well past 1 am friday night with electricity surging through my shoulders, in and out of awful over-drugged sleep but also hyper and jittery.

fun story: this happened to jesse once too. when we were dating and after we had finished our semesters of doing campus ministry (him in spain and me in mexico) i went to visit him in spain. we rented a car and drove all over the north of spain. one night, we were too cheap to get beds in a hostel so we planned to sleep in the tiny rental car. to make sure we slept through the discomfort of the carseats, i suggested we each take 2 advil PM (for some reason 2 of advil doesnt bother me). so i dug through my bag and got out 4 pills for us. i told jesse to hold them while i repacked my stuff. i got back to the front and held out my hand saying, "ok give me mine." he was like, "um, what do you mean yours? i thought those were all for me!"

poor guy did not have a good night. he tried barfing them up but he lacks the charming ability make himself throw up. jesse lacks almost all disgusting features most humans have, such as rough foot skin, smelly sweat, and poor spelling. he's a marvel, my husband. anyway, he was shaking and cold and felt like he could feel death creeping through his veins towards his heart. he paced the city streets like some handsome addict until the dawn as i drifted softly into correctly-dosed car sleep.

but back to this weekends overdose: not the best night of sleep for old keighty.

the race was great anyway. jesse had stroller duty (i figured with the added 70 lbs i MIGHT be able to keep up with him) and the kids were thrilled to be out and about despite being rudely woken before sunrise. i loved playing my running playlist, it was like seeing old friends. robert randolph is just as booty-shakingly awesome as ever.

judah ran for most of the race...at least 2 miles of it. but he also wanted to take some side detours to explore and that was full of delays. i shamefully abandoned jesse during one of these delays because i was scared that if i stopped i wouldnt be able to get going again (the race was right behind our house and my back yard was beckoning to me at mile 1.5).

so jesse was a trooper and pushed/pulled/cajoled both kids over the finish line. judah was very into the thrill of the finish, but layla was a little more suspicious as to why we all wanted her to run. it was like she was on the field of dreams and didnt want to step off and end it. (MUCH awful mommy screeching by me here...sorry)

we flew past the finish line, skipped the afterparty (i guess they'll just have to mail me my 77th place medal) and straight to the car since we had other adventures scheduled.

jesse had to be at a band practice for our friend and AMAZINGLY talented singer/songwriter ryan kiesshauer. jesse sings and plays backup for ryan on many a local "gig." my soul dies a little bit every time i use the word "gig." you may remember ryan from such posts as this one wherein i gave away one of ryan's new CD's (buy one now, it’s so freaking good start to finish). and you may not remember, but ryan's wife bethany is my conversational soulmate. we have the BEST talks. no weird silences, no annoying one-ups, just amazingly cohesive, back and forth, engaging convo. we once met for lunch when i was pregnant with layla and when i got in my car to go home, FIVE HOURS had elapsed without me even noticing!

i chased the kids around the empty church until my parents arrived at 11 am to pick them up for the night. god bless grandparents. after that, i was treated to a private concert by these amazing musicians.

fun fact: that altar is NOT where aslan was sacrificed. but it could have been

after practice wrapped up, jesse and i were off. just two 29 year olds with an empty minivan loose in the city! we had lunch at chuy's (which god granted to atlanta this year because of his great love for me) and then went to a mall. we hadnt been to a mall in AGES! we shopped a little bit the old fashioned way, with dressing rooms and humans and nary a click or login.

i had a little bit of a revelation wherein i decided that i am almost 30 and it's time to maybe look like a grownup. i am fortunate to work a job/life where i can were jeans, t-shirts and flip flops every day. but i dont HAVE to. and honestly, i wouldnt feel good applying for a loan for a DOG HOUSE in the clothes i wear 99% of the time.

i have watched enough "what not to wear" to know that you really do feel better about yourself when you take a bit of pride in your appearance. so i have decided to try. a little.

i discovered and surrendered to the glory that is ann taylor loft and got a few awesomely cute things on uber clearance. i mostly went with things that immediately made me recoil and steered clear of the things that called out to me (t-shirts!).

i even asked the salesgirl where she got her jacket and she said it was from there but was last year's style. i psychotically asked her to write me down the style number from the inside tag of her jacket. she was a little alarmed by that request but i assured her that if i had that i could track it down. lo and behold i found the exact one on ebay for about 75% off the original price. shwing! to the beauty of ebay...america's never-ending yard sale.

jesse pointed out this cuteness to me. 2 of loft's styles of pants are "marisa" and "kate." marisa is my BFF who lives in germany. though loft spelled my name wrong and neither of these styles is extra curvy like us.

we left the mall and made a trip to home depot for a screen door that will enable us to me more outdoor-friendly. then we had a swoon-worthy stop at barnes and noble to kill an hour reading trashy magazines in comfy chairs before dinner.

our favorite restaurant in atlanta is probably agave. we went there for our first official date on our 7th day of dating (which led up to our first kiss...which lasted 4 hours and left me with face-burns) and we usually go there for our birthdays too. we signed up for their email newsletter which advertises their earlybird special of $10 entress if you are seated between 5 and 6 pm. this means we get $24 lamb for $10. so so so so yummy. and major awesome bonus: we had giftcards and got to sit on the perfectly-temperatured and miraculously bug-and-pollen-free covered patio.

since we had gift cards we made a real occasion of it and got drinks, which we NEVER do at restaurants because i can get a bottle of wine for less than a glass usually costs out on the town.

yums all around.

when a rowdy group of frat bros was seated near us during dessert, one of them donning a kilt, it was time to make our exit. it was after all, st. patrick's day, on a saturday night, in a big city. that is SO not our scene. we fled blissfully back to the suburbs and had all kinds of fun that we definitely didnt get to after our first agave date.

on sunday i treated myself to a day of hookie from church. it was a treat not because i skipped church (i REALLY like our church. so much that it scares me because i usually do not get down on american normal church), but because i didnt have to do sunday morning kid duty.

instead, i slept in, cleaned, organized laylas pandora's box of a closet, sewed, ate leftovers and generally felt amazing about life and saw colors i had never seen before. there is something so magical to me about being in my own house, alone, and able to do whatever i want. maybe it has something to do with the kids that have been up in my face and uterus for the past 3.5 years nonstop.

after hanging up some of my new clothes, i decided that these investments were too nice to be sullied with my normal hair (rat's nest updo bun). i realized that in the 5+ years i have worked at my job, i have worn my hair down approximately 3 times. even on the weekends, i wear my hair down maybe 4 times a year. did you know that some ladies do their hair DAILY?!?! true story. i know. unreal.

so i decided to get my second haircut and color in 5 months (making me have wretched guilt about being frivolous and superficial since i normal get it done once every 18 months, but decided it was a mental health investment). i was going to chop of the super long length that i never used for anything other than sink-clogging and layla ropes course-training and get a shorter (not SHORT, i do not have the face for it) cut that i would maybe feel okay taking care of a few times a week.

i begged them to let me in on short notice and sweet talked my lady into giving me a full instead of partial highlight as i settled in to read GQ (a first! really weird magazine that i cant picture a real human man actually reading).

i instagrammed this pic and an unnamed friend asked if i had measles (i think he meant mumps). i do look pretty jowly here and am hoping it's a result of the weird camera filter. matt seems happy enough with me though.

i spent a good 15 minutes trying to take a semi-normal picture of the new haircut and failed desperately. i lack the DNA that allows celebrities and the good-looking to take pictures of themselves without looking like they are making an ironic joke or putting on a funny improv skit.

seriously. this was my best plan.

take 57. this is the best we got. i guess i needed to threaten my bicep with a punch from my other had to keep it in check ???

thats 5 or 6 inches off the length and a mean set of swoopy bangs. i love it. i even did the unthinkable and made another appointment for the end of summer to get it cut again! big girl, panties, prepare ye to be worn (and sweated in...swampass season is upon us)!

jesse picked up the kids from my parents that afternoon and we topped the weekend off with a picturesque blanket picnic dinner at a local park, paid for with gift cards and then played with the kids until sunset. i stopped at rite aid for easter eggs for the kids class parties and was interrupted by revenge of the jalepeno dip from the day before. but even with a raging case of magma GI, this was a perfect 10 of a weekend.

tiny little things are where it's at.