back in the card aisle

y'all remember when i was pregnant with layla, how i took a picture every week with the baby bump and me holding whatever item of produce babycenter compared her size to at that point? i documented them all, the good, the bad, the pale and the bloated, under the tag, "weekly belly."

click to enlarge and explore....if you dare and at your own risk. you may need to bleach your eyeballs after examining the whitey poochburger.

i managed get almost every week (i missed week 8-kidney bean due to losing my brain over morning sickness, 10 & 11 shared a strawberry because i couldnt find a fig and a kumquat, and on 17 publix had no turnips).

week 40 (pumpkin) we took ON layla's birthday right before we left for the hospital, 5 hours before she was born. it was our super soggy, molding and about to collapse jack-o-lantern that i would only touch with a towel underneath.

for the most part, i would buy the fruit or veggie and take the picture from the comfort of my own home. but some weeks layla happened to be the same size as a vile or expensive item that i had no desire to purchase or consume. granted the only thing i really had a desire to consume during that pregnancy was captain d's and krystal (and yall best believe i got DOWN on that junk weekly). but on the weeks when i needed to get the picture, i would just borrow the item from the produce section and take it off to the typically-deserted greeting card aisle and do the picture there before returning the item to its place.

this led to some SERIOUS embarrassment. i got busted a few times and felt like a total weird creepster. i mean imagine coming up that scene unawares: a pregnant lady taking a self portrait of her burgeoning belly and a random item of produce. the worst was when i took leave of my senses and lifted up my shirt for the week 30. a stock boy came around the corner when i was taking that pic. i'm sure it looked like i was rubbing their merchandise all over my stomach while photographing it like some strange deviant with a produce-fixation.

here are all the weeks where i was too cheap or my palate too unrefined to actually buy the goods:

i usually go grocery shopping on my way home from work on thursdays. i never have the kids because i use coupons and a list and managing all of that together does not work for me (kudos to moms who can wrangle it all...teach me your ways!). i didnt go last week so we were in dire need of some essentials yesterday evening. i left from home and took miss layla. she got her first ever cookie (free! i heart publix) and munched happily on it the entire time.

as i was getting raisins, i realized i was in my belly's old stomping creeping grounds with the greeting cards behind us. i was laughing to myself remembering that huge belly that i no longer have and me all alone taking self-portraits of it. i told layla, "oh you have no idea how nerdy mommy was in this aisle."

and then it freaking hit me: she was there all those times. layla is in every single one of those pictures!

i mean, duh, i knew a baby girl named layla was in my belly the entire time i was pregnant, but we had no clue who layla actually was. now, we have this 10.5 month old that has a personality full to bursting and a life of her own, who we know SO well, so to go back and realize all of that energy and sweetness and uniqueness was there, in her tiny DNA and soul, packed in a smaller version inside my stomach is such a mind job (yes i have had this same mind job before). that my little big-bellied, fuzzy-headed, fraggle rock baby of joy was once a tiny poppy seed is insane and miraculous to me (and a little scary...please dont shrink!).

naturally i had to take another pic.

40 weeks in and 46 weeks out...here we are again.

the picture may be blurry, she's not smiling and has crumbs all over herself, and i am rocking a sports bra uniboob, but doy, this is my favorite of all the weekly belly pics. layla beats a crenshaw melon any day of the week. oh , but i like this girl.

waiting room

my due date is tomorrow. i've never been able to say that before. let me tell you what a thrill it is.

i had my 39 week appointment yesterday wherein i found out i am a full 4cm dilated and 50% effaced. my doctor also stripped my membranes which is pretty much just manually (digitally, actually) sweeping around the inside of my cervix to stretch it out and lift the bag of waters up a bit. this separates the two on a molecular level that releases prostaglandins which in turn ripens the cervix and can sometimes get labor going. it also feels like getting kicked in the no-nads.

every time i walked around yesterday i was pretty much one constant contraction, but none were very serious and as soon as i sat back down at my desk things would settle down. i did some squats and lunges at home and even just jumped as high as i could over and over again. this was depressing because my brain still expects me to stay in the air for as long as i could while playing volleyball, but my body only has about 4 inches of vertical leap to offer anymore and i come crashing down twice as fast as it feels like i should. sad.

i was so so so sure that she was going to come yesterday for several reasons. one, she would have been born on veterans' day. judah was born on memorial day. U-S-A, U-S-A! or so i thought. also they would have both been born one year early from having cool numerical stuff. she would have been 11/11/10 which is just a year off of all elevens and judah was born on 5/25/09 which is a year too soon for a cool all-multiples-of-5 birthday. third, adrienne was on duty yesterday in L&D and that would have been perf, even though she'll come no matter what. finally, the bible verse in our oswald chambers devotion book for the night of the tenth was something about laboring and then the one for the 11th was "take your son [daughter] now." i thought it was an omen for a wednesday night labor start and a thursday birth. well, despite all of my sleuthing and foretelling, we were a big strikeout.

judah tried to induce me using fear and adrenaline this morning when he fell trying to climb into the bathtub and hit his head on the tile floor. i turned around and he was facedown on the bathmat. horror. luckily he was crying immediately and his pupils are responsive. little booger is already trying to keep all the limelight in his pudgy grasp.

39 week picture (taken this morning at 39 weeks 6 days) is with a mini watermelon. i am not so mini.

i look about 10 times smaller without the shirt covering. weird.

i have turned into this spazzy oddsmaker while waiting for her to come. i changed a roll of paper towels on sunday and thought, "will i have to change this again before she comes, or will she be here by the time we run out again?" if i get a zit i wonder, "will this be in the very first pictures of us together?" but the question that comes up most often is "is this the last time i will get to snuggle judah to sleep as my only child?" our hard-line "cry it out" night time routine has flown out the window (even though he rarely cries at all anymore and goes down like a dream). every time i hear him make a peep after i put him down, i spring (heave) out of my chair and run in there to rock him back to sleep. keeping him on me for about 15 extra minutes each time. have i mentioned i love him kind of a lot and that this is a hard thing to say goodbye to?

as much as i am impatient for her to arrive, i know that the second they put her in my arms, all of the impatience and counting down will seem so silly. she will have just always been here. and all the time i spent guessing and hurrying her along will just drift away because i'll never have to wait to meet her again.

and there will actually be a day when i will miss this. something will hurt her and i will think, "oh you were so much safer in my belly" or maybe she'll be throwing a tween tantrum and i'll think, "if i could shove you back in just to keep you quiet, i would." or i'll forget what a baby kicking me from the inside feels like or what it was like to never have to be separated from her. one day i will probably feel that way, so out of respect to that future-keight, i won't wish these moments away entirely. i will live them and try to be present in them so they don't get completely lost in the space between looking beyond them and on to the next thing today and reaching back for them tomorrow just to find they aren't there anymore.

so we wait.

not my first rodeo?

i was really hoping that the next time i wrote a post it would be full of pictures of a new baby instead of the fruit basket of crazy-shrapnel that is headed your way right now.

i have turned into a total rookie. a clueless first-timer constantly second-guessing myself about the onset of labor. with judah, we had 100% convinced ourselves that he would be at least a week late, so i didn't jump at every uterine tightening and twitching. and of course, when my water broke with him 8 days before he was due, it was pretty obvious what was going down...no guesswork necessary.

now i promise that i know second babies can be late, even if the first one was early, but i was just so sure she was gonna be even earlier than judah. i mean my poor uterus barely got a break after expunging judah-bug before we jammed a layla-boo up in there so i figured the old girl would be more than willing to to spit this one out with little resistance. i guess my mind isn't the only steel trap-like thing around these parts. so, if little LED was on judah's exact schedule, labor would be starting today and she would be appearing tomorrow. remains to be seen. harrumph.

this is the 37 week belly picture with some lovely swiss chard she was about 6 1/3 lbs and 19 inches here supposedly

i have set off 3 false alarms this week. late friday night i fulfilled the requirements of the 5-1-1 scenario of "when to go to the hospital." contractions that average 1 minute long, are 5 minutes apart, and do both of those for 1 hour. well i fit that to a T from 1 to 2 am but decided that they weren't painful enough yet. so i took a tylenol pm and told my uterus if it could overpower the sleep aid, then i would pay more attention to it. it submitted and cut the chatter. i was hoping to goad it into a fight. i guess she's a lover not a fighter (though THAT tactic didn't work either on saturday night while judah was with his grandparents...hiyo!).

on wednesday, after finding out that i am 60% effaced and 3 cm dilated at my 38 week appt., i almost left work because the contractions were very regular and starting to get intense, but it turned out that it was just because i had had some criz-azy hot jalapeños on my subway footlong the night before and needed to deliver those first. not the ring of fire i was looking for. ouch and ouch.

then yesterday jesse and lena (who will be birth photographer, god help us all) both got another round of texts where i was sure my water had broken because i was experiencing "unauthorized trickles." but nothing came of that either. so i either had a small high tear in the bag of waters that healed itself or i have just completely lost all control and authorization over my urinary tract (not unlikely).

i mean peter didn't even get this many chances at believability with the freaking wolf.

so my new benchmark--barring an amniotic tsunami-- for telling anyone ANYTHING as far as this being the real deal is pain. ain't no way i am going to be one of those chicks who doesn't feel a thing until the baby sticks a few fingers through the fly of mom's jeans and waves hello. i may have gotten to 3 cm without any real pain, but i am betting 4-10 will be noticeable enough to more than compensate for the free foreplay. so no trickles, medium-hard contractions or boisterous gas is gonna fool me no mo'.

38 weeks, taken yesterday. appropriately since i had my false trickles yesterday too that i am posing here with: a LEEK. she may be leeky but she sure isn't leaky. 7 lbs 19.5 inches

don't be fooled by the fact that this is the exact same outfit as above with a different color shirt. that is what it has come to at this point. my maternity clothes are starting to not even fit and i am just giving up. i have 2 t-shirts, a pair of sweatpants and about 5 vests that make up the lion's share of my wardrobe right now. the possibilities are endless! if you see me in public, don't judge. most of my day is spent just counting down the minutes until i can take off my bra and my pants. though, to be fair, i look forward to that moment even when i am not pregnant.

i have a doctor's appointment on monday that i really hope i can't make it to. i have never been to a 39 week OB appointment before. here's hoping you don't hear from me again without about 19 million exclamation marks.

full term of endearment

so it looks like i am going to be 2-for-2 on carrying baby-life to full term. whoopie. 37 weeks was reached on saturday and this is the "full term" point in pregnancy where everybody's pretty cool and confident that everything would be A-okay if baby came out from this point on. this is also the point where i get to start saying, "any day now..."

as far as produce goes, my 36 week buddy was supposed to be a crenshaw melon, but...wtf is that? and shah right my local publix carried those. so i manhandled a hefty spaghetti squash instead.

sweet moley that thing is huge. 6 lbs, 18 inches long...just like little miss should be right now. (check out those 3 hotties in the background scoping me out)

so we're on the weekly OB visit schedule now. there are 5 doctors at my practice and i rotate seeing them all since i need to be "familiar" with each in case my favorite (t-bex) isn't on call when i go. i was thinking after my first pelvic of this new babymaking season last week that an OB with really long fingers would be awesome so that when you get checked at the early end-stages of pregnancy, when the baby and the cervix are still pretty up in there, you wouldn't suffer as much (i can explain in more detail if you aren't getting the picture.

well this morning i was all ready to go on the padded stiruppy table and the nurse came in and said the doctor i was supposed to see was in delivery so another one would do my checkup. i had seen this dr. K once before. but when she came in and started typing on the computer i looked down and my heart quailed.

in case you were wondering, the contest for "stumpiest fingers on an OB" is now closed. because this chick took home first prize with no competition. and i was right about the correlation between concert-pianist type fingers and comfort level during a pelvic. yikes.

but the result was interesting: 2 cm and effaced. okay. i would say that's good news but i know chicks who have walked around at a 4 for 2 weeks before delivering.

so i am getting a free cm a week. so if i just hold on for 8 more weeks i will wake up on christmas morning with a new baby in bed with me, not even having noticed going through the labor of getting to 10 cm. like the horse scene from the godfather...only happy...and a healthy baby instead of a horse head.

i am a firm believer that i cannot have a baby until i have experienced the misery endgame of pregnancy. and i am not quuuuuuite there yet. the misery stage with judah consisted of sausage toes, feet that hurt so bad i was forced to wear yellow crocs everywhere, and 90 minute efforts at getting out of chairs or bed. plus a hearty variety of grunts and groans any time i tried to rotate, flip or otherwise locomote my bulk.

i have a good strong waddle that shows up if my stomach or bladder is full, but for the most part i can still chase judah around, capture errant cats and even sit up unassisted most of the time. so, maybe she's gonna be later rather than sooner. who knows how long judah would have stayed in there if he hadn't wolverined his way our of the bag of waters a week early? and i would rather have her go 2 weeks late than have my water break early, because that's what make doctors pay attention to me and keep track of when it's time to IV the devil juice in (see here for details).

look at those talons! apparently my uterus gives elegant french mani's

so there you have it. your weekly peek into my cervix. you're sooooo welcome. stay tuned as next week we feature: the mucus plug! (ew, not really). i dare you to google image search that term by the way. i DARE you

honey, DONT!

oh, and before i get too behind on these (as i'm a bit too behind in another way, wocka wocka) here's the belly pic for 35 weeks. honeydew melon. 18 inches and 5.25 lbs. the fact that this is what is going on inside of me is just beyond belief. i still don't feel that pregnant at all.

any of you other former or current humanufacturers out there ever dealt with crippling round ligament pain this late in pregnancy? shortly after the pelvic pain kicked in, i start having sharp as a needle stabbing pains in what feels like my left ovary. i actually had these a bunch earlier in both pregnancies when i was just developing a bump. they happen when the growing uterus stretches the ligaments that surround it. it feels like getting impaled with a rusty fishing pole and comes out of nowhere and then goes away just as suddenly a few seconds later. funtimes.

they were a lot easier to deal with in the beginning when i still had my agility and balance. now, if a twinge strikes, i am too big and awkward shaped to move to a better position for relief quickly and i usually just end up doubled over, paralyzed and whimpering. the extra bad part is that she can actually cause these. if she moves a certain way, it feels like she is stomping down on the ligament itself. it is truly crippling, there is no movement, thought or clarity that can occur until the attack passes.

they hurt like crazy and are so unexpected that it really isn't fun, but the truly scary part is wondering if these can continue during labor. because if i have to battle sharp, distinct, needle-stabs along with all-over, waxing and waning, baby-producing contractions, i am just really afraid i won't be able to do it. the relaxation stuff that i use to get me through contractions i seriously could not pull off while the round ligament stuff is going on.

irony: the pregnancy websites all say that this pain is often brought on by exercise. hahahaha

so anyone else deal with this? did you have it during labor? is there any relief for it now or later? this little lady is living up to her gender in the high maintenance department. she better be cute.

the 13th

the experience of time, particularly during a pregnancy, is really interesting to me. so many times during these pregnancies i have found myself saying both, "geez, i wish we could just have the baby from the moment we found out and skip all the waiting," as well as, "i am so glad that it take 9 whole months to grow a human so that we can prepare ourselves."

40 weeks. that is a long ass time on all but the largest of scales. i love the old people expression, " i haven't seen you in a month of sundays," meaning enough weeks have passed that you could fill up a whole month with just the sundays contained in that time period (idiomatic explanation free of charge, you're so welcome). and a pregnancy is a whole month and a third worth of sundays. and man, it can creep by. especially on your first baby.

here's my generalization of how time seems to pass. the first part is really slow because you are so excited about the news that you just want to whole 9 months to go by and just have the baby, but you're also looking specifically towards getting to the "safety point" of 13 weeks where miscarriage risk goes down a ton. plus you're not really showing and most likely not buying a lot of baby stuff yet so every day creeps by fueled mostly by excitement, nervousness and a healthy dose of nausea. it's more of a far off idea than an around-the-corner new human and it can seem like it will never be here.

the second trimester goes by faster because you feel great and are starting to plan showers and register and set up the nursery, but still getting to live almost the exact same life as you had before pregnancy. maybe some of the excitement has worn off, yet you're not fully staring reality in the face yet since you are jowl-less and the baby is still pretty teensy inside of you. you are used to being pregnant and are putting weeks behind you with energy and ease and productivity. you are starting to feel the baby move and see a definite bump so being pregnant is enjoyable and not just something to get through anymore

the third trimester is loooooong for totally new reasons, such as the subtle physical misery that starts to creep in around 3o-something weeks where you are huge and have sprinkle out a thimbleful 9 times per night. getting out of a chair starts to take a good day and half to accomplish and the 3 hours between meals (aka "feedings") is an eternity. and then you hit a certain point and realize that the baby would most likely be totally healthy if it came right now, and you start to see every tick of the clock as prolonging your discomfort and keeping you from your new nugget, without tons of benefit for either of you. mental torture. you cannot escape the reality that there is a human inside of you as you are reminded by cervical stomps, rib-punches and spleen-kicks every few minutes and still seemingly no closer to the end.

there a bonus phase that i got in the hospital during active labor where i attempted to halt and then reverse time using only the force of my will, an ohmygoshness, WE can't have a baby, we're idiots! this phase is a good indicator that there is a real live baby creeping out of you right now and 9 months really wasn't close to enough time to actually prepare you. it would be good at this point to have a husband around who can encourage you not to try to hold the baby in with your hands and escape to the parking lot.

and while yes, this second one has gone by much faster because we have had judah filling up our world occupying, delighting and terrorizing us in the meantime. but even still, i remember not being scared about expecting a second one so soon because it was 9 whole months away and even wish it would go by faster. an eternity to get ready. ha.

when people have asked when we are due here's how my answer has evolved:

when we first found out, feb-april: "oh, not until mid-november" (while waving my hand in a way on down the line gesture)

second trimester, may-august: "the second week of november, i can't wait because it will be such cooler weather by that time." as in a "flying cars and apes taking over the planet sort of never-gonna-happen it's so far off" sort of mindset

september: "november 13th" with a resolute nod and big eyeballs that say, "yup and we're already in the 'ember' months so it's getting close. no need to remind me"

october: "the middle of next month"

as of today: "on the 13th."

that's right, i dont even have to say that month i am due anymore. i am exactly one month away from my due date today. odds are that i won't pass another 13th of any month without miss layla being in my arms. cuh-ray-zee.

34 weeks: cantaloupe. this fruit is not allowed in our house as it is detested by me and jesse both. the $5 price tag kept the pineapple away, but the 'loupe didn't even warrant a price check. is it me or does that fruit look way smaller than my stomach?

this was another successful covert publix photo shoot with me stealthing the fruit away to the greeting card aisle for some private time (creeperoni). i don't show the actual belly anymore in these pics, because that is just too much risk factor when my hands are already full of camera and produce. this week had a fun scare when i look up after snapping the photo to see a manager running down the aisle towards me. while putting down the cantaloupe and beginning to raise my arms over my head in surrender, i am picturing the headlines: "local woman held on charges of indecent public conduct involving self-photography and produce. shunning ceremony TBA." just before she gets to me she slides to the floor and checks the price on a ream of printer paper. SHWEW! i am free to roam the aisles with my camera for another week.

the boo's at about 5.5 lbs right now and we're at the point where she is so viable that i don't think the doctors would even bother trying to stop it if labor were to begin now. so there just a thin layer of membranes (yum-O!), 10 cm of cervix, and some vigorous pushing on my part standing between us and our girl.

i am having some brand new pregnancy symptoms that i never had with judah, most notably pelvic girdle pain, which is just as comfy-feeling as it is glamorous-sounding. for me this feels like i have experienced the most debilitating groin-pull injury in sports history, but there is none of the relief that you get from stretching your groin because it's not actually my muscle that is hurt, but my pelvis. from what i've read its because at this late in the game her weight is putting so much pressure downward on me that the nerves and tendons and such are having a hard time coping with the pressure.

this results in little episodes where i literally cannot lift my left leg, as is required in walking, and i just have to shuffle/drag it along behind me to be able to locomote. let me tell you the kind of attention a 8+ months pregnant, severely limping woman attracts in public. not the fun kind. "no i am not in labor," "no i have not been shot," "no you should definitely not be touching me right now" are the ready replies i have in my arsenal right now. funsies!

bonus feature:

this is how we all dressed last thursday without trying at all. it's like a wardrobe representation of the genetic heredity of judah. stripes equal blonde hair, rage, and problem skin and burgundy equals kindheartedness, brilliance and a penis. you can see clearly who judah got each from.

perfect!

if you've gotta have your birthday and anniversary on back to back days you can't do much better than them landing on a weekend like this past one. we did start out with some MAJOR earth-shattering news on friday afternoon that had me sobbing, but honestly it turned into a really cool family/amazing friends/god moment (more on this later). plus, when you're preggasaurus, sometimes a good cry feels awesome.

perfect weather! this was the 4 days forecast. unbeatable!

is it weird that i kind of feel proud when everyone talks about how much they love fall and the cool weather? i feel a kind of ownership over the month of october due to my special dates ushering the month in every year, so whenever anyone says "man, i LOVE fall" or writes it on their facebook statuses (as in, all the time) i want to be like, "you're welcome!"

we met up with my parents on saturday morning to have a b-day breakfast as this little joint. in the reviews they talked about the horrible weekend parking and long wait times. we pulled up and got the most ultra-prime of the 7 total spots (the other six were taken) in the lot and then got seated immediately. i am the most finicky temperature person and so dining al fresco is usually a no-go but (thanks to me) this was a perfect october morning so we got to enjoy our pancakes on the patio!

too bad he's not excited at all about spending the night with the grands

and then judah went home with my parents for the night so jesse and i could go out to dinner just the two of us. we went to the same place we ate at on our very first date and jesse's past 2 birthdays, agave. oh man, its so good. and i am on their mailing list so we got a coupon for entree's for $10 each. the cool thing is that since we're such fatty-fats, instead of getting salads and appetizers too, we just ordered 4 entree's between us. today i got the newest email and the coupon now says "limit one entree per person." our gluttonous eating habits are singlehandedly changing restaurant policy across the metro area. but we sure had an awesomely huge lunch yesterday of amazing leftovers. perfect!

we picked up judah from my parents yesterday afternoon (i gave myself the birthday gift of sleeping in, skipping church and sewing all morning...ahhhhh) and got to romp with him in the glory of the front yard. nothing beats being able to wear jeans in full sunlight and be 100% comfortable. perfect!

i was able to take the 33 week belly picture without getting busted as a creeper at the supermarket. perfect! she's pineapple-esque right now at over 4 lbs and 17 inches head to heel. she also feels about as knobbly and prickly as a pineapple when i am attempting to shove 4 entree's worth of food down into the space she now occupies.

judah went to bed at 7:15 last night and slept until 7:23 this morning. this is awesome. he had been getting super erratic on his sleep schedule and it was puzzling and terrorizing us. also, a warm, freshly rested, pj-clad toddler-man is pretty much....well, perfect!

and finally, the giveaway turned out perfect, because many more of you read about katie's story since i extended the deadline. so thrilled about that. and it was also perfect because the winner of the necklace, proceeds of which go to help the african orphans, goes to a mommy who is in the process of adopting an african orphan herself! congratulations, abby! (in case youre wondering about it, she was 7th because carter's mommy actually had 2 entries in her one comment and mikki left two comments, but only one for the giveaway...this is totally cool since she was writing to say she was the100th follower, yay!)

i was thrilled to be able to give my other necklace to anyone who took the time to be moved by katie's heart and the plight of the people she is serving. but its extra cool to know that some day soon, an orphan from that same continent will be teething on or twirling beads that were made in their homeland to help people like him/her as he/she sits on his/her american mama's hip and feels the very same love that compelled the necklace into existence. let the river flow.

perfect!

16 months

like i mentioned before, since we didn't find our amazing photographer until just was 2 month old, he never got any professional newborn pictures taken. bum out. at least that's something his sister will have better than him. but we got the baby plan for him which included 5 sessions, so we scheduled a 16 month one to capture our little family right on the cusp of becoming 4, but cherishing the last moments of just our one baby. here are the first 3 "teaser" pics that brenna posted for us on facebook. more to come.

i am loving judah for blocking the extra chin action here.

so cool. he's actually in an old rust clawfoot tub peeking and poking out of the plumbing fixture holes. the one on the right looks like he's posing at a mickey mouse attraction of some sort.

tiny farmhand takes a break. he was so happy during this part of the session because of the popsicle that he tolerated the hat for 2 second increments. love the colors and textures in this one

this whole, about to have two babies thing is terrifying. there is tons of uncertainty in our lives right now as far as money, working, childcare, health care, etc. for the past 6 months, i have been prone to worrying about these issues at least every hour. thankfully, everything is so confusing and chaotic that we literally have no control over it so it has made it a little bit easier to just let god be in charge of everything. i mean, we have no solutions in our little human peabrains, so if we come out on the other side of lalya-boo's infancy alright, it will have had to have been god showing up in some hugely unforeseen way. it's him or nothing. its a scary, completely against my nature, and yet so right.

i waver wildly between worrying about judah and worrying about her. i mean, judah is gonna flip his shit when he sees jesse snuggling a little sister-nugget and he isn't going to have all of his tyrannical-pants little demands met instantaneously by 2 parents all the time anymore, but then again, layla doesn't have clothes or a crib. so at least they will both be scarred equivalently.

yup, that sure is what i look like on a friday night, after work, while grocery shopping. loud and proud, mofos. 32 weeks is a "large jicama" so publix fail here for only having what appears to be jicama of the pygmy variety. so help me if i'm this big just for something that small, we are in trouble.

she's about 4 pounds right now and sweet sassy molassy, she is moving. i was never kept up at night because of judah's swirlies, but if i dare lay on my right side with her, she lets me know all about it until action is taken. yes, your fetal highness.

i am positive that either she is head down or that my vagina has chronic hiccups, and she is facing my right side. all of her punches and kicks happen on that side and is she was gonna explode out of some side of me, it would definitely be that one. and it may actually be if her violence is any indication. she wants out and she wants to be in the passenger seat, it would seem.

6-ish weeks to go until i have a daughter. what planet am i on?

him & her

judah is starting to show interest in the belly. i don't think he knows what a baby is, so we try not to confuse him by telling him, "there's a baby in there." we figure, once the baby's out, he'll figure out what one is, loud and clear.

but he can identify, "where's the belly?" and really enjoys poking, patting and kissing my belly. also sticking his finger in my belly button. kind of weird. but cute.

layla looking about 3 times bigger than judah

going for the face-planted smooch

weekly belly updates from the past 2 weeks:

30 weeks: cabbage. i kind of hate cabbage in every way and this sucker was almost 4 lbs. which would have cost about $3 and i was not going to do it just for the picture. so i had to abduct this guy temporarily and take him to a deserted aisle to take the picture. except i got so totally busted by a stock boy coming around the corner with my shirt up and camera in hand. i felt like such a perverted deviant with some kind of weird produce-fixation. please understand, random teenage boy!

week 31: she is 3.3 lbs which is as much as 4 navel oranges. weird. you'd think they could find a singular piece of produce to compare to instead of 4 oranges. those were not easy to hold. however, in my belly it actually does feel and look like 4 oranges rolling and gamboling around in there.

check out judah's full extension to reach his little sister's stand-ins. i love it.

i think a lot about how layla's birth is going to change things for judah. i know for sure that in the long run it will be 100% positive and they will be tight for life best buddies. but i worry about his little world being rocked by this new creature in the house at first. and i especially get nervous about his reaction when jesse tries to love on her. the upside of judah being such a daddy's boy is that hopefully i will be able to breastfeed her in peace without upsetting him too much or him coming over and trying to latch onto the other one out of jealousy.

it's such a miracle to me that we were made with these ever-expanding hearts and that i am going to love her as much as judah as soon as i set eyes on her. because it just seems impossible right now that anything could reach judah-status in our hearts. i go back and forth wanting to literally protect her from his toddzilla (toddler godzilla) ways and protect him mentally from her in terms of the shock. hopefully our love as parents and jesus' love for all of us will be more than enough to cover and protect everyone's little hearts and bodies through this transition.

i can't wait to have a whole extra permutation of someone to love and be loved in our little family. everyone gets an extra family member to make a relationship with. she's a lucky girl to get to have such a cool big brother as judah. and we are so fortunate to have her. about 8 weeks to go. holy flippin!

grab baggery

i haven't had much time to blog anything of any substance lately mainly for 2 reasons: one, because of the creation and attempted sale of all of those keychains. i was really surprised and excited by how many of the one that have sold have been to blog followers! thanks guys. i have used up all of my first batch of supplies and have already ordered more. i am going to start doing almost exclusively custom orders where i will show all my fabrics and all my webbing colors and anyone who wants one can design their own combos.

the second reason is because we are getting ready to go out of town for 4 days: without judah. this is a big deal. we are going on an awesome lake getaway with lena and elliot and some other friends. this is kind of our last hurrah before life with 2 babies strikes. so we are packing many bags for many different people and destinations and trying not to forget a pet or child or spouse in all the kerfuffle.

here are some marginally notable things that have transpired in the dukerton province lately:

judah learns how to operate our [old] camera.

naturally he takes a self portrait immediately. ironically, he probably could play with the new SLR camera since it's already broken anyway. jesse had it on a tripod and we both watched in horror as it slid off and nosedived onto the rug. the lens is now stuck totally zoomed in so we can only take close ups of things. also when you carry it around on the neck strap its like the camera has a perma-boner and it's just awkward looking and embarrassing. we are getting it fixed stat.

what child takes up paci-usage at 15 months?

the kid swore off pacifiers of every brand at about 3 weeks old and has just recently found them to be delightful and amusing. they have always been around the house from when we stocked up for his arrival, but now every night at about 6pm he locates on and pops it in. he never sleeps with them and is offended by the suggestion, but he loves to take some hits from that thing before and during bathtime. its hilarious and random. sometimes i think it's just teething, but he definitely sucks on it a lot too. weird. maybe he's remember the days of the boob? sorry, kid, that ship has sailed for you.

29 weeks and miss layla weighed as much as a squtternut bash (friends, anyone?).

i took this picture and then immediately cooked a butternut squash mac n cheese. hello, autumn. also, the shirt i am wearing in the pic is from target maternity and the little rosy swirls are made from zippers. i thought that was so cool and project-runway-esque.

i passed my glucose test and have gained 22 lbs so far. the think layla will be smaller than judah (7lbs 5 oz) but then again, they thought he'd be 8-9 lbs, so.....yeah. and i have a new pregnancy symptom. i call the affliction "androids" because i hate the real word. so yeah, i didn't have hemorrhoids during pregnancy with judah, which is common, but did give myself one while pushing him out (hope you're not eating). it caused me hardly any pain after birth and went completely away in a few days. well, it's back baby and with a vengeance. pregnancy makes existing ones flare up, as does weight gain and increased blood flow. 3 for 3! it can be pretty miserable. here's hoping no more blossom while delivering layla. sick. sorry.

we took some youth kids to volunteer at a local respite care place for disabled kids and one of the middle schoolers let judah borrow his sweet fedora. very michael jackson, if saying that wasn't inherently creepy and repulsive.

he looks kind of awesome. little model

i remembered all those clothes that i dyed for layla-boo and decided to add some personality to them. i kind of forgot about them for a few months because i wasn't 100% happy with how the dye jobs turned out and stuffed them in a drawer. but now i am in love with these little outfits because you don't notice the dye mishaps as much when there's something cute to look at on the fronts.

the kite is fabric appliqued on to the onesie and the rest is fabric paint

LOVE this little squirty elephant design that i made last night.

i really like to put these little hearts at the top back of the onesies after i make the fronts. maybe i am girlier than i thought. you can see the splotchiness of the color on the pink one here. and i swear its the same color as the front of the shirt pictured above.

and finally, this is my favorite "trick" of judah's. my parents taught him to do this this summer when he would stay with them. it has become his go-to thing and he will do it on request with a 95% success rate. it's incredibly charming and wins over the sternest of audiences with his grand flourish of a follow through.

in this clip, he has a special kind of treat for you apparently.

we're out of here tomorrow morning so no blogging until wednesday. i can't wait to sleep in 4 days in a row and to only have one person's bowel movements to consider. luxury.

bump x3

i have been so slow in taking and posting this month's weekly belly with a side of produce pics. i think it has a lot to do with the fact that layla is resembling sizes, shapes and lengths of vegetables that i don't enjoy eating or spending money on. it's been kind of a bland 3-week stretch. the good news is that a yummy bounty is on the horizon (i have already bought and had to restrain myself from cooking week 29's visual aid).

26 weeks: hothouse cucumber. this species (genus?) of cuke is longer and skinnier than your garden or wild variety. at 14 inches long the boo is getting tall up in there. thank god she never goes pencil-mode and stretches to her full height, because it does not look like that cucumber could fit. however, sometimes i feel like she is stomping down directly on my cervix and a foot is about to shoot...out, so maybe that's what the cucumber at full attention is like.

27 weeks: she was the weight of a head of cauliflower, about 2 whole pounds. any ideas on what i can do with 2 lbs. of c-flower now?

28 weeks as of last saturday and she was about the length and weight of a napa cabbage. 15 inches long and 2 1/4 lbs. i actually made a yummy asian salad out of this last night.

so there we go, all caught up. i am now onto OB appointments every 2 weeks and next thursday i should get the results of my glucose tolerance/gestational diabetes test.

she is moving like mad and i am currently in a blissful period where i can feel every single move, jiggle and sashay that she executes, but none of them occur on my vital organs or ribs. soon though...

this is all happening very fast. november still sounds really far away, but once you get into the 30's in weekage, i mean, you are almost there. i don't know if i am ready to be there so soon. to do this again, to have to divert even one speck of love and attention away from him, to organize clothes, get things settled at work, and make way for a family of 4 which includes and features a newborn AND a toddler in the house. i am leaning pretty hard into jesus to carry us through the worries and struggles AND beauty of this next season of our life.

can we come eat and sleep (and pray...ha, topical) at your place if we lose our minds/jobs/house?

bits and bobs

we've come to the portion of bloggy programming where i get tired of seeing random pictures with no cohesive thread collecting on my computer. they're all worthy, even if not of their own posts. here goes.

it's heeeeeeeere!

little did i know my winnings would include and extra battery, 4GB memory card and a bag! best. thing. ever. jesse has taken on the pimp camera as his new hobby. more power to him, i am chock full of hobbies right now and cannot fit that beast in my purse. of course the thought of being the subject of 12 megapixel photos in all my pasty preggo glory is a little scary. speaking of which...

25 weeks: rutabaga.

they wanted like $2 per lb for this monster and i was not about to pay that much. i don't have any great rutabaga-centric recipes in my cookbooks. so i took this little guy to the deserted greeting card aisle and snapped a little self portrait with him. i have never felt like more of a creep. at least i wasn't taking the picture with a massive SLR camera. i guess the old point and shoot it still good for stealth missions involving borrowed produce and maternal bellies.

practicing the integration of pink and bows into our household

we have been so fortunate to receive PAYLOADS of hand me downs from some of our little-girl-having friends and family. i am talking like 10 garbage bags full of things. i have started to sort through them all and my pink/ruffle tolerance is growing with every new item that i see, bonus points for the girlie stuff that judah models for us. we are so lucky to not have to bankroll an entire brand new little girl wardrobe from scratch.

one of the biggest contributors to layla's closet is my cousin melissa. she had her little girl, avery, 3.5 years ago in an extraordinarily dramatic 10-week early touch-and-go delivery. well, she is now at 37 weeks pregnant (exactly 10 weeks ahead of us) with their second child, a little boy. she has been on bed rest for about 10 weeks already now due to preeclampsia. she is an amazing mom and a stud for going through everything that she has had to bring her two little angel faces into the world!

since avery was so premature and melissa's recovery so complex, she wasn't able to breastfeed. so imagine my delight when she commented on the nursing cover i made myself saying that she needed one for this little guy! i gladly whipped her up one to use for her little man as a huge thank you for all the money and fashion quandaries that her generosity saved us.

i thought the stripes were too plain so i wanted to add some flair. so i added the little guy's intial (not sure if it's a secret about his name) and a lil' owl that i thought was really cute. jesse came in and goes, "oh, an owl, i get it. because it's a hooter hider?" i hadn't even considered that. yikes. at least i had made him a napping owl instead of eyes wide open like the super-subtle official hooters logo.

that is just so wrong and so hilarious. i mean really? areolas for eyes, y'all?

and my ever-willing model:

it's his sling under there, not an actual baby. if only all nursing moms could look this radiant