waiting room

my due date is tomorrow. i've never been able to say that before. let me tell you what a thrill it is.

i had my 39 week appointment yesterday wherein i found out i am a full 4cm dilated and 50% effaced. my doctor also stripped my membranes which is pretty much just manually (digitally, actually) sweeping around the inside of my cervix to stretch it out and lift the bag of waters up a bit. this separates the two on a molecular level that releases prostaglandins which in turn ripens the cervix and can sometimes get labor going. it also feels like getting kicked in the no-nads.

every time i walked around yesterday i was pretty much one constant contraction, but none were very serious and as soon as i sat back down at my desk things would settle down. i did some squats and lunges at home and even just jumped as high as i could over and over again. this was depressing because my brain still expects me to stay in the air for as long as i could while playing volleyball, but my body only has about 4 inches of vertical leap to offer anymore and i come crashing down twice as fast as it feels like i should. sad.

i was so so so sure that she was going to come yesterday for several reasons. one, she would have been born on veterans' day. judah was born on memorial day. U-S-A, U-S-A! or so i thought. also they would have both been born one year early from having cool numerical stuff. she would have been 11/11/10 which is just a year off of all elevens and judah was born on 5/25/09 which is a year too soon for a cool all-multiples-of-5 birthday. third, adrienne was on duty yesterday in L&D and that would have been perf, even though she'll come no matter what. finally, the bible verse in our oswald chambers devotion book for the night of the tenth was something about laboring and then the one for the 11th was "take your son [daughter] now." i thought it was an omen for a wednesday night labor start and a thursday birth. well, despite all of my sleuthing and foretelling, we were a big strikeout.

judah tried to induce me using fear and adrenaline this morning when he fell trying to climb into the bathtub and hit his head on the tile floor. i turned around and he was facedown on the bathmat. horror. luckily he was crying immediately and his pupils are responsive. little booger is already trying to keep all the limelight in his pudgy grasp.

39 week picture (taken this morning at 39 weeks 6 days) is with a mini watermelon. i am not so mini.

i look about 10 times smaller without the shirt covering. weird.

i have turned into this spazzy oddsmaker while waiting for her to come. i changed a roll of paper towels on sunday and thought, "will i have to change this again before she comes, or will she be here by the time we run out again?" if i get a zit i wonder, "will this be in the very first pictures of us together?" but the question that comes up most often is "is this the last time i will get to snuggle judah to sleep as my only child?" our hard-line "cry it out" night time routine has flown out the window (even though he rarely cries at all anymore and goes down like a dream). every time i hear him make a peep after i put him down, i spring (heave) out of my chair and run in there to rock him back to sleep. keeping him on me for about 15 extra minutes each time. have i mentioned i love him kind of a lot and that this is a hard thing to say goodbye to?

as much as i am impatient for her to arrive, i know that the second they put her in my arms, all of the impatience and counting down will seem so silly. she will have just always been here. and all the time i spent guessing and hurrying her along will just drift away because i'll never have to wait to meet her again.

and there will actually be a day when i will miss this. something will hurt her and i will think, "oh you were so much safer in my belly" or maybe she'll be throwing a tween tantrum and i'll think, "if i could shove you back in just to keep you quiet, i would." or i'll forget what a baby kicking me from the inside feels like or what it was like to never have to be separated from her. one day i will probably feel that way, so out of respect to that future-keight, i won't wish these moments away entirely. i will live them and try to be present in them so they don't get completely lost in the space between looking beyond them and on to the next thing today and reaching back for them tomorrow just to find they aren't there anymore.

so we wait.


  1. Beautiful post. I cried, and I barely know you! :-)

  2. I did the same thing with Layne before Carter was born. I felt so bad for what I was about to do to her world. But when Carter arrived it was as if we were always a family of four. And now with Layne about to turn 4 on the 17th and Carter just turning 2 and everyone around us being preggers I so so so miss someone safe in my belly

  3. I give you 24 hours- make me proud. I will say by 12 PM tomorrow. Start cleaning now.

  4. That last paragraph was so beautiful. love you girls. xo

  5. Great post, it made me laugh, it made me cry....seriously. And, 4cm is awesome...the L&D nurse in me says, please go to the hospital if your water breaks, a delivery in the car can be messy :) ooh but that would be an amazing blog post!

  6. yes. I love the last paragraph as well. and seriously. you are a beauty at 39 and 6. love your braidy hair.