i am the queen of Too Much Information. overshare is my middle name. i will tell you within about 4 minutes of meeting you exactly what the ring of fire felt like or if jesse and i had intimate times (hahaha) the night before. i have probably ruined a few lunches with my candidness. so you know when you have me reeling, you are WAY out of line.
i took judah to target yesterday evening. layla was sleeping and jesse desperately needed a few hours to work. so i evacuated the tiny tornado of distraction. i put him in a cart and we stopped at every parents bane/blessing: that $1 section right at the front of the store that is full of seasonal crap for kids to beg for. "oh mommy, LOOK! easter egg shaped crayons! i NEEEEEED these!" i was grabbing a few things for judah to play with while we shopped so that he wouldn't go man-overboard if he spotted something shiny on the shelves. lord help me, he has already started jonesing after "TOOOOOOOYS, TOOOOOOOOOYS" as soon as we go anywhere colorful.
as i am handing him a little pinwheel and preparing to shove off, this old lady spots us. i hear, "ohhhhh my goodness," coming from right behind me and know it's for judah. drat. but also yay, because someone else has recognized his perfection.
i turn around and have to restrain myself from physically recoiling because she looked exactly like the chick who gives snow white the poison apple, only in a floral mu-mu instead of black jedi robes. running through my head: "remain calm, jesus loves her. she is beautiful. humans age. be kind."
so we start the typical old lady to young mom exchange:
her: oh he is so beautiful
me: thank you so much.
her: oh i remember when mine were that little.
me: awww, yeah, time flies by.
her: is he your first?
me: yes, but i have another at home.
her: ohhhhhh, he is just so beautiful
me: (smiling, yeah we discussed that already...trying to sort of start politely(?) drifting away...) thank you so much, i think so too.
her: just hug them and kiss them every day
me: oh we do, and we will (driiiiifting towards freedom)
her: oh, i could just give him a hug right now, (and i am thinking, that's weird, but sweet i guess, i can ask judah to give her a hug...whatever), but you just can't touch kids like you used to.
me: (ok that was a really weird way to say what i think you were getting at, but whatever). yeahhhh (drift...)
her: you know i had the colon cancer
me: (hmmm, curveball. i have no exit strategy for this. see also: WhereTF is she going with this?? see also: be kind, maybe she doesn't have anyone to talk to) oh? wow. i'm sorry.
her: and i prayed to god every day to let me stay and he did. i'm a survivor.
me: that's is great. congratulations. you go girl! (i am not proud of that one, but it's not like she is going to make fun of me.)
i am thinking this is a great time to end on a high note and part ways. i turn like 45 degrees away from her and start my exit.
her: so, is the easter bunny going to come visit this little guy soon?
me: (okay, we haven't figured out what we're going to do about santa or the easter bunny in terms of how they take away from jesus in our kids' holidays and this is really not the forum i want to hash it out in) um, i don't know. he's still kind of clueless about all of that...
her: because you know some people are against the bunny. and the santa. and you never know if you can talk about it.
me: oh...yeah...(nervous chuckles, so not wanting to get into this)
her: now, you know, with the colon cancer (sweet moses, why didnt i talk about the easter bunny when i had the chance?!?!), if you ever know anyone who has it...
me: oh, i don't think i have...at least no one that i am extremely close with, but i hope if i do that they can beat it like you! (haha! master return stroke by me! bud: nipped! freedom in sight!)
her: well, when you have the colon cancer, (and so help me she reaches behind her and is gesturing to her butt and a wave of terror over what is coming next washes over me) the blood just gushes and gushes out of your rear.
game. set. match: old lady.
me: uh...er...___________________ (jaw-->floor; looking around for ashton kutcher and his PUNK'D cameras, shaking my head with a perma-smile of stunned disbelief). guuhh....
her: (possibly sensing my horror...finally) well it's true!
i have no recollection of what happened after that. i walked through target in a daze of how my son's cuteness took us from A to B and why she thought i needed or wanted to hear that.
i feel kind of bad now that i have thought about it. she was probably pretty lonely and wanted to share battle stories with someone. the old people love talking about their health issues.
people are so funny. if she had just come up to me and said, "i am a lonely old timer, would you mind spending some time with me?" obviously i would have. but people don't work that way and aren't so upfront about their emotions/agendas/hearts, and so she went another route. i only wish judah had been maybe a year older so he could have chimed in something hilarious to this conversation. the little dude was no help sitting there spinning his pinwheel when he should have been screaming or peeing his pants to give me a way out.
oh life, you are a funny one.