10.12.2009

of (little) milk and (little) men

we are kind of on the hippie-ish side of things in our baby raising ways. we had a natural childbirth (and seriously considered a home/waterbirth), we aren't vaccinating judah until at least 1 year, we do babywearing, make our own baby food, thought about cloth diapers (points for trying...they're not allowed at preschool) and we are all about the breastfeeding.
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i always just knew i would breastfeed. i guess because my mom nursed both me and my brother so that's all i ever knew or heard about really. then when we took our granola childbirth classes for the bradley method, and they were allllllllll about breastfeeding exclusively, often, and for a long time. i was on board and said, hell yeah, the benefits are huge so i will do it until he's a year old.
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i did have some fear that it would be really hard. a lot of moms would ask me when i was pregnant if i planned to breastfeed and when i said yes i got a lot of, "well, don't be disappointed if you cant," and, "well, its really hard and not everyone can do it," and, "don't just expect it to happen on its own, you have to really work to get make it happen." so i got nervous that i wouldn't be lucky enough to have it come easy. i also worried that because i am so type A that i would be too stressed to ever feed him or that my milk would just not come in. i was just worried that even though it was by choice and we had alternatives, this little guy's entire nutritional foundation was on me.
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2 hours old after his second successful meal
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luckily, judah was a little champ and latched on perfectly from his 2nd minute of life and never looked back. the lactation consultant in the hospital had me whip them out and show her how things were going and she left after like 30 seconds because she said we were all stars. as soon as we were rolling those first few days, i had visions of pumping and milky abundance to store away in my freezer so i could go as long as i wanted. well, the first week brought that dream to an end. i would pump and get minuscule amounts. looking back, duh, i was pumping AFTER giving him an entire feeding and his little tummy was only the size of a marble to start with so there wasn't a huge need to keep up with anyhow. but building up a frozen surplus was important to me. i wanted to be able to go out without him for longer than 3 hours and leave the grandparents with real mommy food. i always took my pump with me like some dorky powerpack and would stay on schedule so my supply didn't go down while i was away from him. i have pumped on the expressway at 80 mph. i cant imagine the milky blur we left on some folks' retinas who made the mistake of looking through our window. by the end of my maternity leave i had about 70-80 ounces stored up. while this is nothing compared to the 8 oz. bottles some moms could pump after EVERY feeding, i was proud of my little stash that i worked so very hard for and of the fact that i was ALL he needed as a 4 month old boy to keep him nourished and growing.
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i mean using only my boobs, i took him from this:

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to this:

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sometimes in the early day of breastfeeding i felt so confined by it all being dependent on me that i started freaking out and we eventually bought a container of formula when judah was 3 weeks old just to put on the counter. we didn't touch it for months, but i felt like it took the pressure off of me. but every time i got overwhelmed about feeding judah and jesse would offer to give him formula, i recoiled. NO! this is MY job. you and judah can count on me.

well, then i started work again. i knew intellectually that pumping does not equal a baby feeding directly from you, but kind of ignored that that was going on. my body wasn't giving up as much milk as judah was drinking in his bottles at preschool. the teachers would tell me that he still seemed really hungry after slamming a bottle because i was only packing him the same amount as what i would pumped. i was way tight-fisted with my frozen stash and didn't want to dip into it and really resisted needing to do this which is hilarious because i was begrudging judah milk now so i would have more milk for later...for judah! i would get so stingy and belligerent about thawing any extra milk to add to what i had pumped that day that i was actually viewing judah as greedy for "stealing" MY frozen stash. jesse was like, um, honey, this milk is his anyway, why don't we let him have it? ha. right, i forgot.

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so my frozen stash started going down an ounce or two a day, but by 3.5-4 months we were still 100% breastmilk. he was only ever away from me for 2 consecutive feedings and then the rest of the time was direct nursing. well then we started letting him sleep all the way through the night at 4 months. it was a miracle and it feels amazing to really rest again. the first morning after when i pumped it was a personal record so i thought that my body was responding to the extra sleep i was getting and that it was be great for us and i could stay AHEAD of him and build up the stash even more.
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this high didn't last long. naturally, since my body is realizing that he doesn't wake up twice in the night, it makes milk more slowly now. like really slowly. like too slowly to fill back up for him to eat. nothing is sadder than having him nurse and end with sad little hungry tears rather than a happy drooly milk-coma snuggle. i died a painful death the first time we added formula to a bottle of milk for preschool...this was the first time in 13 months that he ever got sustained by something other than my body (not counting that cream cheese icing jesse fed him at 4 weeks at lena's bridal shower). when we first started adding a whole ounce of formula to every 4 ounce bottle we made him i felt so inadequate. i thought that was bad until it became 50/50 and now we are lucky if he even gets an ounce of the real deal in every bottle.
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it's so cute, but so hard
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this must be what it feels like for a guy with erectile dysfunction. i feel like less of a woman because i cant make enough milk. i have horrible disappointment and shame for having to give him formula at all before his 6 month mark. of course, i don't ever think other moms who have to, or choose to, give formula are bad or less in any way, but since i had decided to breastfeed and couldn't seal the deal, i feel like a big failure to my son.
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the pump i own is a pimp one. its the top of the line brand and is awesome. but i wanted to really give it a fair shot so i am now renting a mac daddy $1500 hospital grade pump. still barely getting it done. farg! i know a big part of it is just the fact that i am not AROUND him for several hours a day. my body knows that the pump is not my son. there are crazy cool mommy hormones that shoot through me when the little guy is actually near me and i just don't get those when i have to be apart from him 6 hours a day plus 11 at night. that just cant change. i have to work full time to get the health insurance that our family is on and to get enough extra income for our family to live on. on weekends i spend TONS of time in close skin to skin contact with judah to try to beef up the milky h-mones, but its like i just cant "get it up."
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i know that doctors recommend going until age 1 with breastfeeding and i think at that point there are only 3 or 4 nursing sessions a day, but how do you keep that supply up around the clock? at that point almost all babies are sleeping through the night, so how do you recover from 12 hours "off" and get enough milk in there for 3 full liquid meals a day (plus solids too)? this is the big mystery to me. i thought it would just happen since a lot of moms do the 3 daytime meals and sleep all night with their older infants. anyone? ANSWERS PLEASE!
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we also have started solids, partly because i was worried about him not getting enough to eat even with the formula supplementation. so he is drinking less overall anyway because he is getting fruits and veggies and cereals now. so i know that's a factor as well as the separation. another huge downside of this is that his poo REEKS now. i knew formula/solid food diapers supposedly smelled bad compared to breastfed diapers, but lord. the first few months of diapers smelled like honey nut cheerios. now they literally smell worse than an old man dump.
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me and the bug posing with one of my usurping replacements. i'm surprised my boobs didn't reach out and bitch-slap that bowl of formula and cereal off the counter.
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i AM very excited about eventually being off breastfeeding 100% because i know my body is holding onto some pure fat stores specifically for feeding judah, but as much as i want to drop lbs, i would rather be chunk8 and still be able to feed the bug myself.
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i know that with every milestone judah hits, he needs me physically less and less, but this one snuck up on me a little bit. as happy as i was to not be pregnant or in labor anymore, having the cord cut was a little sad, because it marked the death of a unique period for judah and me. but it was great too because it meant i could actually hold him and look at him and share him with his daddy. this is the same way. its happy i guess because there is new freedom in it, but its just sooner than i had anticipated and hoped for, so rather than just growing into a new phase, i feel like i have dropped the ball and forced us prematurely forward.
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i am really thankful that i have a baby who was able to breastfeed immediately and get all of the antibodies he needed to survive the early weeks from me. i feel so lucky that i fed him pure breastmilk for the first 3 months which is when there is the biggest discrepancy between milk and formula and when they get the most benefits from breastmilk. i am super grateful that i have a baby who doesn't mind switching between breast and bottle and is thriving on both. i am blessed to have a baby who loves every solid food we've tried with him. i don't have any legitimate gripes since i have a chunky little nugget of health. i know it shouldnt, but why does this one little thing get me so down?

7 comments:

  1. Keight,

    Thank you for posting this! This is my issue right now too! I had an enormous supply of milk and now that my daughter, Molly Grace, is three months old, my supply has been decreasing by the day, from what it seems. I breastfed her exclusively every meal until last monday. Pretty much three months to the day she is born. I am also working and finding it soo hard to pump enough at work and sometimes not even finding the time to pump.

    The first time I gave her formula I cried. Like real tears. I felt so awful and less of a Mom. I know that MG is happy and healthy and I know that having to supplement formula is ok but I really wanted to breastfeed up to a year too.

    I completely related to this blog and you pretty much put into words what I have been thinking. Thank you for being so open and giving me a perspective and someone to relate to!

    Mary Beth
    (in case you don't know who I am, I am friends with Anna Bryant and Luke Batchelor)

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  2. Hey! So glad you wrote about this. We're going through the same thing. I mean I've been having to supplement w/ formula for the last couple of months...but my supply has dropped EVEN MORE lately. she probably gets 2-3oz MAX of my milk in every bottle...it seems to be getting worse by the day.
    I think regardless of what happens from here on our, we all have to pat ourselves on the back for the amazing effort and work we've put into breastfeeding them up to this point...so many people never even try for the fear or inconvenience of it.
    Love you girl!

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  3. Great post, and I know this is hard for you. When I started back at the church full-time, I only made it a couple more months after that with feeding Drew. He was always so hungry that I started one formula bottle at night when he was about 3 months old, but I was able to only give him breastmilk for all his other feedings until he was 7 months old...then we went to Disney and I got dehydrated, and work got to be too much after that...

    Anna was a formula baby (I tried for a week but it was a little too much at my young age), and she has always been healthy and wonderful. It's taken until the 7th grade for her to get sick more than once or twice a year, and she is in the gifted program! I breastfed Alli for a month exclusively, but my modesty is what started her on the bottle more than anything--and my trying to do both ended up stopping that experience so soon. Also another healthy, gifted girl...

    I was so ready to do it exclusively with Drew, and he was great from the start like Judah. And even though I had two great bottle babies, I cried at my last feeding with Drew, too. It's just knowing that they're growing up so fast. I was trying to make it to the one year mark, too, and I had wanted to have been able to do that so badly. But at least we made it as long as we did. I'm so glad you had a wonderful experience with your first one! You are awesome! And damn the need to work...both financially and socially so you don't go completely crazy. I struggle with it daily, and I love being there...argh, I wrote a lot...

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  4. Oops, that last post was from me (in case the kids' names didn't give it away!). Kristy

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  5. I think you are an absolute champ. Every single drop of that liquid gold that you have given him can never be taken back. The time you spend with him during those intimate, bonding times can never be taken back either.

    As someone who could not breastfeed (I managed to pump enough to give him one 5 oz bottle of bmilk a day for 3 mos, which was all I could do, and basically all made from pride and countless hours attached to the hated squeezer.. and then I could do no more.)

    All of that is to say, I do not know the other side of what this feels like, to be able to and then try to make the decision to continue or not... BUT, what I can say is that Benjamin and I have a great bond, and now that the stress of trying to pump is gone I have more time to just hold him and love him, read to him and sing to him while I give him bottles. I love the time I get to spend with him and for those first few weeks I had to will away those evil thoughts of what I could not do. Also, baby aside, I feel better about myself and my body now that I don't feel like a milk truck... and, for me, when i feel better about myself, I am a much better person for everyone in my life--including Benj.. (Robert would be amen-ing that)

    You are a brilliant mother, and you know I am 100% for you in whatever you choose. You have given Judah 4 months of full time boob feeding--that is truly a gift for him. You are a great mom, no matter what you choose.

    love u.

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  6. Keight...so love your comments, your honesty and your quest for answers. You have been such an amazing breastfeeder, I wouldn't have known your concerns unless you wrote about them! I imagine you are already driniking lots of liquids (water is best, of course, if you can get it down) and some breast feeding books have recommended brewer's yeast. You can check it out, but I have some if you want to try it.

    Looking at Judah, and seeing how contented he has been, you've obviously given him an AWESOME start on life. Our big challenge (yours and mine) is how to respond when life (on any level) doesn't turn out like we EXPECT it to. The tough part is to have dreams, but not paint the pictures too 'tightly'...to hold our dreams with open hands knowing that our Heavenly Father (who loves us much more than we love our children--even though that doesn't seem possible!) has a plan for our lives that is better, but sometimes different, from the one we have.

    We won't want to surrender to His plan unless we believe He really loves us, and that He's really good and looking out for us. This is the central element of our relationship with Christ, and one that keeps being brought into question by the enemy when things don't go as WE planned. Does it sound like I've been there??? More times than I'd like to recount!!!! I love you, Keight, and am glad we can keep growing together by the grace of our great God and Father, the LORD Jesus Christ!!

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  7. i see that i am not alone in thinking that you have done an AMAZING job with Judah. funny thing is that i started reading your post last night while pumping and had to finish it this afternoon because elsa woke up a little early last night before i finished. i couldn't wait to finish reading your thoughts today, knowing that you are talking about something that so many moms go through. i admire your honesty and certainly feel your pain. who knows how long i will be able to keep up the exclusive bfeeding!?!? like you, i'm hoping for a year, but i'm reminded through your example that if things don't work out like i have planned, it's not a failure. giving our little ones all that we have for as long as it's ours to give is a beautiful gift. you should be proud, k8. keep growing up that beautiful boy. can't wait to see him again...and his padres. :)

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