sometimes in the early day of breastfeeding i felt so confined by it all being dependent on me that i started freaking out and we eventually bought a container of formula when judah was 3 weeks old just to put on the counter. we didn't touch it for months, but i felt like it took the pressure off of me. but every time i got overwhelmed about feeding judah and jesse would offer to give him formula, i recoiled. NO! this is MY job. you and judah can count on me.
well, then i started work again. i knew intellectually that pumping does not equal a baby feeding directly from you, but kind of ignored that that was going on. my body wasn't giving up as much milk as judah was drinking in his bottles at preschool. the teachers would tell me that he still seemed really hungry after slamming a bottle because i was only packing him the same amount as what i would pumped. i was way tight-fisted with my frozen stash and didn't want to dip into it and really resisted needing to do this which is hilarious because i was begrudging judah milk now so i would have more milk for later...for judah! i would get so stingy and belligerent about thawing any extra milk to add to what i had pumped that day that i was actually viewing judah as greedy for "stealing" MY frozen stash. jesse was like, um, honey, this milk is his anyway, why don't we let him have it? ha. right, i forgot.
it's so cute, but so hard