10.08.2009

w8

blegh. this subject is wearing my ass out (if not down) these days.

doy, i had a baby and gained a bunch of weight like i should have. doy, it took 9 months to get that way and i cant expect it to be all gone in a few months. doy, everyone's different and i cant compare myself to other moms. doy, i am breastfeeding and that turns me into a ravenous rancor who would sell her soul for a go at a shoney's buffet some days. doy shmoy. somehow i look fatter now in the same clothes than i did when i was 9 months pregnant. its enough of a problem that i CAN even wear the same clothes i wore as a gestational machine (and still have to in some cases).
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i don't want to have a big, fat pity party (i don't want to have a big, fat anything, really) and i am not fishing for compliments on how i look now or used to look. its just crazy how much this is in my head and how it can get me down. its no big mystery to me how to fix this. i cracked the "diet and exercise" puzzle long ago, so i don't need advice, that's for sure. i just need...something. time? grace? a sign i can wear when i'm out without judah that says, "i don't really look like this, i just had a baby?" or "saddle bags and muffin tops for sale! pizza dough with cottage cheese topping available! stretch marks no additional fee!"
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ok so i promise though, it's not really the postpartum body that i am hating at the root of things. (side note: i find it amazing that i look this normal after growing a human FROM SCRATCH inside of me and and then jettisoning it out into the world. shouldn't humanufacturing leave WAY more damage or evidence than just a saggy bod? its a miracle that the question even gets asked, "do you have kids?" i feel like what i went through in making, carrying, laboring and delivering a baby into the world in 9 months should leave way more visible evidence behind. its just so cool how wonderfully made we are that we are able to do this and recover at all). but, yes this is not fun and i don't fit into any of my old clothes and don't feel as confident as i did before just walking around in life. the real pisser is the fact that i can look back at pictures from each year since being married and i remember thinking how gross and huge and out of shape i felt at the time. now i look at them and want to kick that girl in the brain for ever saying those things, because looking back on it, i looked AWESOME.

this was taken in may 2007 and i wanted to murder jesse for messing up his photography so much that he made me look so big. that tank top could be worn as a garter today



i SPECIFICALLY remember what i was thinking while we took this pic. every fiber or my being was wanting to run inside and put on sweatpants and never come out again because i felt so fat. summer 2008 (like a 2 months before getting pregnant). i attempted to put on that skirt for funsies a month ago. it was a denim kneefat warmer at its highest point.


so now i say, "if i ever get to be that small again, i'll appreciate it this time." jesse always says, "yeah, but if you got back to that size again, you'd still complain because you'll never look good enough for yourself on the outside unless you really love who's on the inside." insert GINORMOUS eye-roll here from me because its so damn touchy feely smushy blah. but he's stupid freaking right
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its really seriously not about how i look or if i used to be skinnier than i am now. its that pecker-face devil again. he's really freaking good at what he does. take the beach picture, for example. i was so preoccupied with thinking i was fat and feeling insecure and rejecting jesse's appreciation of me that i was miserable in that moment. then later, when i looked at the picture and compared it to some imaginary version of what i thought i should look like and was filled with disgust for myself and wishing that i had not worn that or had not even taken pictures on our vacation that that moment of reminiscing was ruined too. and then the final kicker is looking back at that picture these days (no matter what i look like now) and realizing that truth of the matter was that i looked healthy and happy and in shape and being filled with regret now for wasting all that energy of being so critical of myself and so insecure. awesome. self hate, disgust and regret for missing out. that is what i am getting out of these lies. satan is able to steal part of my life from me in the moment by making me believe the lies, and then later when the truth is revealed to me i am left regretting ever believing them. double whammy.
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this is stealing my life. so it's not really like i should be saying, "appreciate your body today, because one day you'll be so fat that you'll think this is skinny." no matter how much i want to make it about how i look or what i used to look like, or if i could just lose X amount, its not. its more about doing the best i can today to live healthily, in terms of what i eat and how i play, but MOST importantly, being healthy enough to refuse to let self-hate steal these moments of my life right NOW. i cant get skinny tonight sitting at home with judah...but i can let my preoccupation with being that way make me irritable and distant. so then i'm neither skinny nor enjoying the little bug that made me this way.
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i have been chewing on this one (and lots of food products) for awhile now and here are some practical things i've done to make it a little better.
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-instead of continuing to wear my maternity jeans and hate myself every time i caught a glimpse of elastic waist, but refusing to buy "fat" jeans and holding out for my old ones, i went out and bought a pair that fit me NOW. that helps even if i am scared to ever admit what the number inside of them pants is.
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-i did join weight watchers. (you will never know how hard it was for the D1 volleyball player rock hard stud muffin that i used to be and now lives inside me to type that sentence). i am in front of a computer all day at work and can do the points tracking and meal planning online, so it doesn't take away from the time i am at home or with friends. its something that quiets the lies going on in my head that say i'll never look good or feel okay with myself because i can say, "i am doing something about this TODAY. i am doing my part and am proud of myself and today is one less day i have to feel this way." i have a concrete goal to look toward instead of just my current self to be repulsed by and run away from.
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-when some kind soul tells me that i am looking more like my old self or seem to be getting back in shape, i really try hard to choose to believe them. the first few times this happened i would say, "no, i am gross blah blah. hate me, pity me, liposuction me." that'll teach you to encourage me! if only every self-pummel knocked off a few calories or atoms of mass.
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the truth of the matter is that i am healthy and i have an amazing creation of a machine for a body that lets me do all the fun things in the world. i don't need to get so down on it even if it is slightly puffier than i would prefer. at this point morbid obesity couldn't interfere with my life as much as my hateful self-talk does, so i am squishing those little demons one by one in an oh so self-help manual sort of way. i'll fake it 'til i make it. and even if i don't make it back to single digit pants sizes, it's still a pretty great life that i am not willing to let anyone, especially myself, steal away.

5 comments:

  1. I couldn't have said it better myself. I should just copy your post and post it on my blog!!! I love you girl and you are an amazing person and a fabulous mother. (and a pretty incredible blogger...who needs neinei) hhehe...
    Jorge's mom is coming Friday through Saturday of next week, but let's have dinner after she leaves!

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  2. I totally feel your pain, thanks for sharing!

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  3. Wow! So weird to hear exactly how I sometimes feel about myself! Thank you for speaking truth.

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  4. Went back and read this post since it was at the bottom of the current one, and want to say again how much I appreciate your honesty and getting things out from the inside spinning wheel that goes round and round in our heads. Your contemplative posts always make me think, and give me insight into thoughts I or others might be having. Praying for you to continue to fully embrace the love of your heavenly father and allow His Spirit to interpret ALL the thoughts that flit through your complex and captivating mind. Thanks for encouraging me to wear bright!

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  5. Went back and read this post since it was at the bottom of the current one, and want to say again how much I appreciate your honesty and getting things out from the inside spinning wheel that goes round and round in our heads. Your contemplative posts always make me think, and give me insight into thoughts I or others might be having. Praying for you to continue to fully embrace the love of your heavenly father and allow His Spirit to interpret ALL the thoughts that flit through your complex and captivating mind. Thanks for encouraging me to wear bright!

    ReplyDelete