holding

not as in holding my baby, unfortunately. more like the holding pattern we find ourselves in.

i haven't been on here in a few days because i am sick. judah had a little cold all last week, nothing serious, but lots of snot and coughing, much of which was directed straight into my face at various times. well some of those little projectile vermin made their way through my outer defenses and are now assaulting my immune system. one of the last things i want is to feel like this while trying to labor and probably the very last thing i want is to be up in little girl's face with any kind of transferable germs.

so i have been home and in bed for about the last 70 hours. ha. bedrest. isn't that what you do when you want the baby to stay in longer? sweet, sweet irony. this is what i get in return for trying to vigorously moon-bounce her out on saturday afternoon at our nieces' birthday party (all that accomplished was some pants-pee and knocking judah over about a dozen times).

my doctor checked me on friday and actually offered to turn my next appointment (which was scheduled for yesterday) into an induction. i said, no thanks, i had a horrible time with pitocin last time. and he said, well, we could just do the epidural first thing and then start the pitocin and you'd never feel a thing. so.very.tempting. maybe next time. i so so so want the full no-interventions experience that i almost got last time. but man that was tempting.

it stings to know i could be holding her right now if i had said yes. and then of course there's all the worries that something could happen between now and then and make me second-guess myself for the rest of my life. am i being selfish? seems weird to think that wanting to feel every pain, push and sensation of childbirth could be selfish, but i have a little bit of that going on right now. but i guess she's cool where she is anyway or she would have made her displeasure known by now.

the house is uncharacteristically clean, the cars have gas, i have tied up all the loose ends at work, and lots of folks guessed the 9th or 10th in the baby pool. now-ish (as i am hopefully getting over this sickness) would be a great time to think about making your appearance, miss thing. or maybe you're just like mommy and have your own strong ideas about how things should go. lord help us.