whodunnit? oh wait, ME!

i've had a majorly grumpy past week and a pretty altogether unsatifying few months. i don't know if it's pregnancy hormones, being off my magic pills, the fact that i am just a spoiled brat or some combination of all 3.

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nothing anyone could do would make me happy. it was awful. on day i would be freaking out about how hard it is to take care of a one year old, and then the next, while he was spending the night with his grandparents, giving me my sought after freedom, i would be hating the world (and taking it out on jesse) because i was so bored and there was nothing for us to do and was missing the little guy. wherever i was i was just nonstop disappointed. ugh.

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looking back on the whole thing just makes me want to take a shower and wash that whole attitude off of myself. like forever.

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jesse was being amazing and trying to help me get to the root of where this prickly disgruntlement was coming from. he said, "okay, how would you write your story differently? let's say you could repaint the picture of your life; what would it look like?" just like the awesome donald miller book that he got this idea from; that got me thinking.

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for one, i thought if i really could start it all over i would have us on the mission field somewhere. africa. haiti. somewhere rough. me+america is a bad combination. when i was a little kid and was being impossible my dad used to say, "all you know is what you want." that was hard to hear but it's still very true. i tend toward pretty extreme self-centeredness. i don't know if i am a product of this entitled, gimme-gimme american culture or if it's just my sidekick and egger-on to the selfish junk that already lives in my heart.

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i am not good at doing things in shades of gray. if i decide to get healthy i have to force myself exercise and eat right every single day by removing even the possibility of temptation or i won't stick with it. if i have the opportunity to do the easy, lazy thing, i am most likely going to take it. right now, it feels like the same goes for my whole outlook. i know how i should live and act and treat people, even in a culture that tells me the opposite, but i am so lacking in self-control that it would take to pull this off while being so comfortable and with all of my needs met in an instant that i feel like it would be "easier" (even though it would in reality be so much harder in so many tangible ways) to just extricate myself from here and relocate to a place where the spoiled, entitled, "world, bend to my will" mentality just couldn't survive.

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a few times in the past few months i have been so ready. i have prayed to god to just light up the sky with the name of some country that we are supposed to drop it all and move to. i will sell it all, give it all up: the volvo, the krystal, the air conditioning. but he hasn't. and it would be retarded of me to think that trying to escape the evils of one culture is reason and motivation enough to go "serve" in another without really having a genuine heart for that place first and foremost.

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okay, so then i tried to repaint my life HERE and picture what it would look like. to rewrite my story and use the absolute power and control i have always wanted. at least if i could construct this fantasy world in my head, it could be a happy place that i can go to when i am stressed. but i am sitting there trying to rewrite it and i am thinking about the characters. i am making all my supporting actors do what i think they should and act in ways that make my life easier or better and, freak me, i am having to rewrite EVERYONE. and then it flipping hits me.

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i am the bad guy in my own story.

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if i was reading the book of my life, i would so be like, "shut up, shut UP! you stupid spoiled bee-atch! you have everything that anyone could ever want and all you do is spend your time complaining it away and having pity parties at the slightest discomfort. you are a horrible character and i want to skip all the pages that you are on!" barf. it's true. when i get in these "woe is me, nothing is going my way" moods, i am a very unpleasant character.

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in analyzing my story, i was trying to think of the worst thing that has ever happened to me. i couldn't come up with anything. geez. i should be sunshine and sprinkles to the entire world around me nonstop. but that is often not the case. instead i just want more. more ease, more comfort, less being stretched and challenged and more everyone just do what i say!

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it's all over the bible that hardships should be seen as blessings and that suffering accomplishes good in us and that by faithfully enduring hard things we can enter the kingdom of god. hmmmm, okay. well, i don't want to sit around asking for super life-changing bad crap to happen to me so that i can faithfully endure, but cripes, even in the little tiny "hardships" that do come my way, i consistently drop the ball.

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my father-in-law loves to quote romans 5:3- "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

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if the heart change that paul talks about was video game and the goal is to get to hope through perseverance and character, born of suffering, and beating the game was on the level where you received this awesome life-giving hope, well, shit, i am stuck on level one just making a muddy swamp out of my tiny, jumped-up sufferings and feeling such extreme disappointment while god promises that the hope earned though perseverance and character DOES NOT DISAPPOINT. i am making such a big loud fuss about how my sufferings are so disappointing. well, genius, the reason is right there, you are trying to skip all the levels in between and just have the disappointment AND suffering removed without beating any of the bosses in between.

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hear me now, this is not a sobfest where i want a bunch of my friends to tell me that i am not the bad guy (i even considered turning off the comments on this post to prevent that, but i would love to hear any other thoughts y'all have). this is me coming out and saying, "i have blown it, jesus, i repent of all the times you have gently given me little opportunities to faithfully endure and persevere and earn character and hope and instead have revelled in self-indulgent disappointment and put-on martyrdom. i want to grow to live completely with a hope that doesn't disappoint no matter what the circumstances and i ask you for the strength and courage to seize the opportunities to do so with a faithful heart and attitude. also, could you please be gentle and LOUD at first since i am a moron and probably won't get it and definitely won't like it at first."

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so yeah. it's out there. i just reread what i wrote and it doesn't make a lot of sense, but i feel like i said what i needed to and purged the junk that was clogging up my soul. this is pretty much me giving permission to jesse and whomever else to call me out on being a little brat and to help keep me accountable and aware that when i am feeling crappy and grumpy and like the world is conspiring against me, A: it probably isn't, and B: now's my chance to get some of that character stuff. the cool thing is that if i can get this down, even a little bit, it will work anytime, any place; so i won't need to rewrite my entire life or relocate our whole family just to be able to have the life i want and the fruit of god's promises. just as suffering can find you no matter where you are or what you have or who you're with; so can a hope that promises not to disappoint no matter the conditions. i'll have some of that, please.