daddy envy (video fixed)

my son is in love. when he sees the object of his adoration, everyone and everything else around him ceases to exist. no matter what's going on, when judah sees his obsession walk in the room, a huge smile breaks out on his face and it's like the freaking glorious appearing. i never thought i'd have to give him up this fast, but he's already given his heart away utterly and completely.

judah is a daddy's boy 100%.

many family pictures end up like this, with judah starstruck by his papa

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let me say right now that this is not a problem. if i could pick any person in the world for judah to be in love with and adore, it would be jesse. not just because he's his father, but because of what kind of father he is. i just sort of wish that i had a little of that mojo for myself.

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we learned in birth class how important the first hour with your baby is. skin to skin contact, breastfeeding and snuggling all do things on a chemical level to start the bonding process between the mother and the child on the outside. you don't know this because neither jesse nor i have gotten around to finishing the birth story, but pretty much right after judah came out i was taken away to the operating room because i had the pleasure of sustaining a "complicated tear." i did hold him first and breastfeed him right away, but i think it was only about 5 minutes. the next time i saw him it was 2 hours later when i was waking up from the anesthesia. luckily he was in jesse's arms this entire time just as we had planned if anything went wrong with me.

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2 hours old. first real snuggle.

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do i think that has anything to do with judah's daddy preference now? no, not really. but of course i wonder. if i hadn't gone all she-hulk on the pushing and had done it in less than 7 minutes, would i have avoided a crazy tear and been able to stay with judah the whole time? who knows?

pure daddy time the first 2 hours of life

what i do know is that there are instances where i am definitely not enough for little man. last week jesse brought him by my work for a visit and the bug was being what we like to call a "cranksta wanksta." even when jesse was holding him he was whining and fretting. then i wanted to snuggle and try to calm him down thinking that since he hadn't seen me all day i would have some special powers. so jesse handed him to me. he. started. shrieking. jesse is really sensitive about my mommy feelings, so he said, "yeah, he was totally doing this before with me too." so sweet. but then i walked within arms reach of jesse and judah lunges all the way out of my arms, screaming and starts grabbing desperately onto jesse's shirt front. it was so precious, painful and awkward all at once. as soon as he was with jesse he stopped screaming. ouch, my heart. poor jesse just looks embarrassed and apologetic. geez he is so caring!

i'll never let go

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another theory we have as to why judah is so dad-tached is because jesse is "the rescuer." due to our work schedules, it is ALWAYS jesse the gets him from preschool. so if he has had a bad day or is homesick, it is daddy that takes him from a stressful situation to a comforting one. by the time i come to get him it just a parent to parent transfer and is no big deal. and jesse was the rescuer for the first months of morning wakeups after judah started sleeping through the night because he's an amazing husband and let me sleep later. so it was always him that judah saw in the mornings after a night alone.

the rescuer arrives at school!

i realize that at some point when he's older judah will certainly fall in love with me and maybe even become a mama's boy for a while. when that happens i will probably wish that someone besides me could soothe him from time to time. i just always thought that from birth to toddling, babies were more attached to their moms because of the whole living in me for 9 months and then breastfeeding for almost 6 more thing. maybe that was wrong to assume.

less than 2 months old and already enamored.

once again, it's a self-esteem issue. i feel like less of a mom when i can't "fix" judah with just my mommy-mojo. it's embarrassing in public when i have to hand him off to jesse for the save and most of all it breaks my heart that the attachment to me just seems to sort of be lacking whenever daddy is in sight. don't get me wrong, judah loves me and we have a ball together and in a contest between me and the world minus jesse, i win 100% of the time in judah's heart, but there is definitely a preference that comes out when times are tough and mommy and daddy are both available and that's what hurts.

newborn nappy time with his awesome jaundice tan

maybe it's just a boys and daddies thing. maybe it's because i'm a full time working mom and he's so young. maybe it's because i didn't eat enough broccoli when i was pregnant. maybe it's just a phase and he will go defcon mommy soon enough. right now though it's the most bittersweet thing in the world. i try not to get jealous or frustrated or all 3rd grader, "fine, judah, i don't like you either!" *sticks out tongue.* the kid doesn't know what he is doing and he doesn't have the subtle vocabulary skills to realize how cool i am. it will come.

while i hope that i can be a loving comforter for my son(s) no matter their age, i will always choose jesse as their role model, mentor and idol. but that doesn't mean i have to love it when he crawls gleefully out of my arms. and maybe discovering the letter M sometime soon wouldn't be half bad either.

yeah, buddy, i know. "da-da" is pretty awesome.