daddy envy (video fixed)

my son is in love. when he sees the object of his adoration, everyone and everything else around him ceases to exist. no matter what's going on, when judah sees his obsession walk in the room, a huge smile breaks out on his face and it's like the freaking glorious appearing. i never thought i'd have to give him up this fast, but he's already given his heart away utterly and completely.

judah is a daddy's boy 100%.

many family pictures end up like this, with judah starstruck by his papa
let me say right now that this is not a problem. if i could pick any person in the world for judah to be in love with and adore, it would be jesse. not just because he's his father, but because of what kind of father he is. i just sort of wish that i had a little of that mojo for myself.
we learned in birth class how important the first hour with your baby is. skin to skin contact, breastfeeding and snuggling all do things on a chemical level to start the bonding process between the mother and the child on the outside. you don't know this because neither jesse nor i have gotten around to finishing the birth story, but pretty much right after judah came out i was taken away to the operating room because i had the pleasure of sustaining a "complicated tear." i did hold him first and breastfeed him right away, but i think it was only about 5 minutes. the next time i saw him it was 2 hours later when i was waking up from the anesthesia. luckily he was in jesse's arms this entire time just as we had planned if anything went wrong with me.
2 hours old. first real snuggle.
do i think that has anything to do with judah's daddy preference now? no, not really. but of course i wonder. if i hadn't gone all she-hulk on the pushing and had done it in less than 7 minutes, would i have avoided a crazy tear and been able to stay with judah the whole time? who knows?

pure daddy time the first 2 hours of life

what i do know is that there are instances where i am definitely not enough for little man. last week jesse brought him by my work for a visit and the bug was being what we like to call a "cranksta wanksta." even when jesse was holding him he was whining and fretting. then i wanted to snuggle and try to calm him down thinking that since he hadn't seen me all day i would have some special powers. so jesse handed him to me. he. started. shrieking. jesse is really sensitive about my mommy feelings, so he said, "yeah, he was totally doing this before with me too." so sweet. but then i walked within arms reach of jesse and judah lunges all the way out of my arms, screaming and starts grabbing desperately onto jesse's shirt front. it was so precious, painful and awkward all at once. as soon as he was with jesse he stopped screaming. ouch, my heart. poor jesse just looks embarrassed and apologetic. geez he is so caring!

i'll never let go
another theory we have as to why judah is so dad-tached is because jesse is "the rescuer." due to our work schedules, it is ALWAYS jesse the gets him from preschool. so if he has had a bad day or is homesick, it is daddy that takes him from a stressful situation to a comforting one. by the time i come to get him it just a parent to parent transfer and is no big deal. and jesse was the rescuer for the first months of morning wakeups after judah started sleeping through the night because he's an amazing husband and let me sleep later. so it was always him that judah saw in the mornings after a night alone.

the rescuer arrives at school!

i realize that at some point when he's older judah will certainly fall in love with me and maybe even become a mama's boy for a while. when that happens i will probably wish that someone besides me could soothe him from time to time. i just always thought that from birth to toddling, babies were more attached to their moms because of the whole living in me for 9 months and then breastfeeding for almost 6 more thing. maybe that was wrong to assume.

less than 2 months old and already enamored.

once again, it's a self-esteem issue. i feel like less of a mom when i can't "fix" judah with just my mommy-mojo. it's embarrassing in public when i have to hand him off to jesse for the save and most of all it breaks my heart that the attachment to me just seems to sort of be lacking whenever daddy is in sight. don't get me wrong, judah loves me and we have a ball together and in a contest between me and the world minus jesse, i win 100% of the time in judah's heart, but there is definitely a preference that comes out when times are tough and mommy and daddy are both available and that's what hurts.

newborn nappy time with his awesome jaundice tan

maybe it's just a boys and daddies thing. maybe it's because i'm a full time working mom and he's so young. maybe it's because i didn't eat enough broccoli when i was pregnant. maybe it's just a phase and he will go defcon mommy soon enough. right now though it's the most bittersweet thing in the world. i try not to get jealous or frustrated or all 3rd grader, "fine, judah, i don't like you either!" *sticks out tongue.* the kid doesn't know what he is doing and he doesn't have the subtle vocabulary skills to realize how cool i am. it will come.

while i hope that i can be a loving comforter for my son(s) no matter their age, i will always choose jesse as their role model, mentor and idol. but that doesn't mean i have to love it when he crawls gleefully out of my arms. and maybe discovering the letter M sometime soon wouldn't be half bad either.

yeah, buddy, i know. "da-da" is pretty awesome.


  1. Three things here:
    1. I was not included on the invite to see Judah's video- ouch. We are ticky-tack blood sisters... I thought that meant something to you.
    2. Hula is a mama's girl (totally gets that painful look when Dad is holding her), so we had to get Gerdy so that Matt could have a little love, too. I know they're not children, but maybe baby dos will be all over you.
    3. Even if the second baby is head-over-heels for Jesse, I think you got it right: it's not just that baby loves daddy, it's that he loves this daddy. I am so excited to be a mom, and mostly because my kids will get Matt as a daddy. An awesome baby-daddy is worth his weight in gold.

  2. I love this post...we have definitely gone through both phases...mommy phase and daddy phase so far...he will definitely become a mama's boy at some point. But, I'll tell you what...those photos are pretty priceless of him gazing at Jesse even from birth. Precious!

  3. this is soo sweet! Judah is so blessed to have such an amazing father AND mother. Molly Grace's
    1st word, well syllable, has been "ba ba ba". Her bottle took precedence over me! I've tried so hard for her to say "ma ma ma" but she will only say ba ba!

  4. Judah has always reminded me of Grayson Harper... I think they have similar expressions and mannerisms... so freaking cute to my heart! I'm not worried about his love for you... you shouldn't be either :-)

  5. I feel your pain, at almost 2 months Eli is a daddy's boy. What few smiles we get are only for dad... i'm just the milk truck.

  6. So love your honesty, angst, and adoration for the daddy-baby bond...it is indeed awesome, and something I've had mutual feelings about. Bob wasn't near the 'baby person' Jesse is, but he made up for lost time once they could walk and talk. 'My heart belongs to daddy' is true here too. I've often wondered, prayed, agonized, puzzled, been upset, angry, felt it was unfair, blamed him for being the kid pleaser and leaving me with the less fun parts of child rearing; but at the end of the day, I think an awesome relationship with a dad is the greatest gift a child can have because it sets them up for a great relationship with their heavenly father. Mom's are suppose to adore their children, and moms are suppose to be there, but to have a father who IS there, is a treasure that's becoming rarer every day. I've also learned a lot from Jesse's dad...how to be less bossy and more caring, how to think about what I say and how it will impact the child rather than just say what I'm thinking to get the job done, how to nurture rather than parent, and how to have fun and lighten a situation rather than intensify it and make it worse with my anger and control. Some of my lessons took way too long to learn...thankfully, God doesn't give up easily!!!

    You (like me) bring so many awesome things to the table which will be such a benefit to Judah in the days ahead. There are definitely things the kids call me about that they know won't get done as well in Dad's court (you know what I'm talking about!)so you will have your own special place in his heart. Knowing you, I also know you will continue to come before your father in heaven and seek Him as you grow in mothering ... it's an awesome journey, and I'm glad we're on it together!