there's a bug in my meal

judah flipped his "busy" switch sometime in mid-september. this means whenever he is awake and alert and not being a hungry, shrieking, little harpy, he wants to be "into" things. we are now that family at a restaurant that has the kid in a lap at the table and a 2 foot radius of cleared table space in front of him.

. cheers!

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it seems his singular purpose in life is to acquire any object within reach, no matter how sharp, poisonous, or aflame, and experience it with his most trusted of sensory organs: his gaping maw of toothbudding droolery. if you had asked me a few months back what percentage of nouns i'd be okay with my infant putting in his mouth i would have said, hmmm maybe 10%. turns out its actually more like .0001%. you see, aside from the general nastiness or safety hazard of most things within his grasp, i hadn't factored in the wild brandishing that also goes on with any and all objects en route to the mouth. judah wields these like a drunken pirate and comes perilously close to eyes, vital organs and brain access points before he brings them in for a landing between his gums. for instance, a spoon: i am ok with judah gnawing on a spoon at a restaurant. i am significantly less okay with him scooping out his eyeball and part of his frontal lobe to do so.

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judah doesn't want a little brother any time soon, so he contrives to dump this sub-zero beverage right in daddy's lap, neutralizing any and all future threats.

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so now all plates, condiments, glasses, silverware, table decor and food get shoved away out of the bug's chubby little 8-inch reach. our tables look like tiny atomic bomb testing facilities with a crater of oblivion surrounded by a perimeter of culinary fallout. somehow we make it work and get more than our share of cholesterol, sodium and saturated fat. what can we say, we are living the dream.

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all eating must be accomplished at breakneck speed while the bug's back is turned. this is an effective strategy that has the unavoidable, and not entirely undesirable, side effect of meat juice in my and judah's hair.

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pacified on several different levels: sucking merrily on half-sour pickles at ted's.

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yes, camera's are interesting but when you try to put one in your mouth, they exhibit an interesting defense mechanism of retinal assault. (i swear he doesn't really look like this).

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one thing he can play with: a sheathed straw. and of course he immediately fashions it into an ersatz middle finger and shoot us the bird. since he lacks the digital dexterity to form anything besides a fist right now its pretty smart of him to use a prosthetic to communicate his tiny feelings.

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so if you see us out at a restaurant and the bug is with us, do us a favor and come feed us our meals...cause we can't reach our forks.