Slap Unhappy

My heart sinks whenever I see the kids' school pop up on my caller ID. "Best" case scenario was once Layla nose dived into a mud puddle (I feel legit proud), and didn't have backup clothes, and worst case was Judah getting his first ever migraine and screaming in abject misery in the middle of class. Usually it means they've puked or have a fever and I need to go get them. Never fun on any level.

Well, yesterday we captured the third kind of school phone call Pokemon: The Discipline Call.

Layla's sweet, sweet Kindergarten teacher left me a message just letting me know the story of the "white reminder" I would find in her folder today (a conduct report home to parents). She said Layla had slapped a friend, not very hard, but definitely a slap on the face and the little boy was upset. When she asked about it, Layla couldn't really say why she had done it--the boys hadn't hurt or teased her. The teacher said it was handled and over with as far as the school was concerned, but that it was extremely out of character for Layla. 

My first thoughts and feelings: I'm pretty angry because she knowsKNOWS that using your body to hurt or control someone else is unacceptable anywhere anytime (unless she's in danger). I'm embarrassed because I don't want my kid to be THAT kid, and what if the teacher thinks we are just crappy parents? I feel betrayed by Layla for making me look bad.

All that stuff is ABOUT ME. Not about Layla. That's not great.  That's parenting out of my own junk and insecurities instead of out of love for her and a desire to train her to be a healthy adult. 

So as I am waiting for the bus with Jesse, we decide to just ask her about her day as if we don't already know and just see how it plays out (because honesty has been a challenge for Layla sometimes, and want to give her practice at speaking hard truth). I am praying to just hear her heart and care for her--not myself. 

I am glad I had that time to think beforehand.

She hops off the bus and I asked about her day. She immediately says "I got a white reminder" kind of with a weird smirk on her face, almost a naughty smile, and I look at Jesse and am all "OH IT'S ON" inside. Benefit of Doubt: GONE. Little homie is laughing about this?!?!? Time to rain down the thunder. My "tsk-ing" finger is itching to be wagged.

But then she dissolves into tears, wailing, "I'm sad to talk about it." And my wagger finger disappears. I had not expected this gambit from this child. And it wasn't a gambit.

Come to find out, her day leading up to the slap was pregnant with angst. First, she had asked a few friends to play at recess and they had all been engaged with other buddies or activities and (not unkindly) declined. Then she did all the right classroom behaviors/tasks that typically earn her a reward but her teacher just happened to not notice this one time. And finally she left her snack box in the garage in the morning, so she didn't have anything during class snack time, and when she asked a friend for a piece of his cookie the friend said no.

That's a LOT of perceived rejection for a 5 year old who thrives on relationship, positive reinforcement, feeling treasured, social interaction--and SNACKS, by golly. 

"People make bad choices when they're mad or scared or stressed..." -Wise Trolls

Does any of this absolve her of or change the fact that she straight up broke a serious rule when she slapped her buddy? NO. Does it mitigate how we chose to discipline her? NO again. Does it add another separate layer to the situation? Yes.

Parenting isn't a zero sum game. Obviously Layla having her heart hurt doesn't give her a free pass to make bad choices (the classic "there's no excuse for that!" comes to mind). We have to handle the behavior and the heart. One phone call becomes two very different parenting tasks.

This is tiring and daunting and does not come easy to me. It's more efficient and mathematically tidy to just call it a wash: you had crappy stuff happen to you, and you did something crappy because of that. Even Steven. But almost every parent who is actually trying knows that's not going to work. When she's 17 and her boyfriend dumps her and she decides to shoplift some holographic nail polish because she's sad (the future has cool things) she WILL go to space jail. This stuff doesn't wash out (nor does holographic nail polish, I bet), it doubles down, it finds a way out, and the older you get the yuckier and scarier those ways out become.

It's not a wash, so we have to address it.

But we can't stop with JUST addressing the slap either, and saying, "we don't care WHAT you were feeling, you NEVER slap!" Because, while basically true, I'm betting what she hears and internalizes the most is the "we don't care WHAT you were feeling" portion of that statement.

I am betting that because I have felt that. "You and your feelings don't matter, just stop screwing up."

She'll come up with another outlet for her painful feelings because pain always has to go somewhere. The slapping is a symptom. Sure, it's expedient and necessary in the moment to treat symptoms, but real healing is out of reach if we stop there and don't treat the source of the infection. 

Two things we have to parent now: her heart and the slap.

Feelings and Actions. Our brains are REEEEEALLY good at mashing them together.

As parents, Jesse and I want to work to detangle these two things from each other; to bring attention to, and help the kids learn to identify and separate what they're feeling from what they decide to do about it. Because, without ever intending it, she merged them (we all do): I am feeling hurt, so it's okay for me to hurt someone else. 

My entire adult life has been spent trying to chop that thinking in half. To throw on the brakes and say, "Whoa, let's stop at 'I'm hurt' part and address that." Because honestly, it just feels better and easier and less risky to go around slapping people rather than talking about how I felt rejected and alone and un cared-for. 

That is called VULNERABILITY and both our lizard brains--that help us survive in the wild, and our sinful hearts--that say  "you can be a god and have the power," throw up unending resistance to showing it. 

It took me YEARS to realize that I am actually not simply an angry person. I am a deeply sensitive person with a soft heart who takes rejection or refusal (perceived or real) as a negation of my basic value. That's a scary proposition to stare in the face and my lizard brain was not about to let me show this "weakness."

But you know what isn't scary? Going on the attack.  I medicated pain by just getting super pissed super fast at anyone who hurt me. The knife in your back doesn't hurt so bad when you're flailing about with brass knuckles. Of course you also don't get the knife out or help heal the damage, but who cares as long as it makes you feel better right now?

So Layla's slap: what did we do? Ironically, something like this had JUST happened to me a few days earlier. I had felt incredibly rejected by someone that I treasure and had ended up crying about it! I am 33 year old and was crying about my friend not liking me enough (and yes, my first thought still was "Imma unfollow her on Instagram, block her on FB and NEVER talk to her again" because I'm basically a  maturity expert).

I told Layla about my heartbreak after she described what happened. I asked her if that was kind of how she had felt, like the people that she loved didn't love her back? She said it was. Then Judah chimes in, "I have felt that way too. It feels like everyone in the world is against you." Whoa. We're having a moment here! (Jesse had gone back to work at this point).

Layla lost privileges as a result of slapping her friend. But, while that was very important, we only spent maybe 5 minutes on that part before we felt like it was covered. We spent far more time talking about her heart and what makes it feel cared for and what makes it feel scared or empty. We talked about what to do in case she feels those painful feelings again, and how to stop them before they take over. 

If we'd freaked out and given away her barbie dolls or done something major to punish her and make the lesson stick, I bet she'd remember better and would never slap again. I  bet that memory would stay with her for a long, long time. Not in a good way. And honestly, she probably won't even remember the talk we had about feelings. But it's one more brick in something bigger we want to build. That gives her a firm foundation of knowing that her parents are a safe place for her heart. That she is loved and treasured and valuable.

Demolishing something is so much faster than building something, but it leaves rubble and nothing. We want to leave substance.

We don't want her to be so afraid to mess up that she does things right. We want her to be so secure in who she is and how she's loved that it naturally spills over into her decisions and the way she treats people. 

Layla decided to write an apology to her friend. She can't spell so Judah scribed while Layla dictated. It smells like purple Mr. Sketch: a grape paradise. It smells like fearless love.

  "People make bad choices when they're mad or scared or stressed...but throw a little love their way, and you'll bring out the best" -Wise Trolls.

On Network Marketing, Heaven Help Me

*Before you de-friend me, PLEASE join the conversation (do this 2 second survey I made) and give me a different perspective. I am very open to having my mind changed or learning more about some of the positive sides of things from you personally (not your brand's PR materials, or sales -speak).  I hope this doesn't come off as slamming or condemning!

I would also love to hear from folks who maybe know more from the inside of these things and aren't involved anymore about why you stopped.  I am no expert, and have done only moderate research on a fraction of the companies out there. 

ABOVE ALL this might just be me! I don't have the sales gene and can see how this isn't WRONG across the board. I am attempting to speak 100% from my own weird little heart about how I feel when I'm on the receiving end of these MLM invites and how I think through things if I were to consider becoming a rep of one. 


I have been struggling with this for a LONG time. But just like the Chick-fil-gay thing, election night nonsense, and a few other hot-button issues that my brain REEEEALLY didn't want to write publicly about...the nagging feeling in my heart that I need to speak out just doesn't go away--until I do.

Deep breath.

I made a hard and fast rule a few years ago to never attend a Multi-Level-Marketing party, presentation, sales pitch or recruiting meeting. This has been tricky because there are some brands that have products that actually seem interesting or to fit my style. But the blanket NO is more important to me.

Here's the catch: many women I love and respect and don't want to hurt or piss off are involved in these businesses (and have managed to do them without making me feel the ways I am talking about), so I have found myself incredibly conflicted working through my feelings openly regarding MLM without feeling like I am condemning their choices. 

I feel prayerfully led to write about this for a few reasons:

1. To let folks in MLM be aware of how your customers and friends could possibly feel. These 12 things are churning around wreaking havoc in my brain every time I am contacted about this, so just be careful where you cast your net and think about potential risk/rewards. It wouldn't be fair for me to be mad at or hurt by you in our friendship if I never spoke up!

2. To give a voice to a topic that's tough to talk about (I've been afraid to even share funny articles about MLM for fear of offending people I love). I bet there are more than a few folks who feel like me on this but don't advertise it because you don't want to be "anti" anyone. If I stay quiet for fear of offending, and doing so mean I am hurt or a relationship suffers, that sucks and isn't worth the fake peace of shutting up.

3. To work out and put words to the angst this has given me.

There are a few angles at work here for me that make this stuff a problem (again, I'd love to hear if/why I'm operating under incorrect assumptions).

As an Informed Customer 

When a soliciting stranger comes to my door, or into our office and tries to cold-sell me something that I didn't ask for and don't need, and I have to turn them away, I am left with blood pounding in my ears, flushed face, and elevated heart rate. I feel sad that this is their job and must be told NO so often, but I also feel angry that they are putting me on the spot and not respecting my boundaries (my initial No, thanks)--in hopes of getting some money out of me. I feel dirty afterward.

(1) I hate that feeling and I never want to make ANYONE feel like that, and definitely not a loved one.

So when it's a friend or neighbor or Facebook acquaintance who approaches me, things get even more complicated. Do I believe you that you love this product? Yes, I usually assume my friends tell the truth and aren't snake oil charlatans. Do I think you care about me? Yes. (with the glaring exception of people who never speak to me in real life but try to recruit or sell to me on FB). 

But if these two things are true, then (2) why do I not seem to hear about these products BEFORE someone starts making commissions from selling them?  Often, the first time I hear of someone's enthusiasm for a business is when they've already become a seller. It's a lot more believable to me if you have been a brand enthusiast for some time and talked about how you love buying/using something AND THEN LATER decided to then turn that passion into a job.

This excellent, well-balanced, rational article says it great:

Is there ever a reason to join up with an MLM company? Actually, I think there is! If you and/or your friends are fanatical supporters of a company or product, by all means, save yourselves some money on the bulk purchases you’d have made anyway!

So stop there if that's you. I'm not really talking about these folks.

There is nothing new under the sun. I didn't make that up; it's from the Bible. When a new drug comes out from a big Pharmacy company, there is almost always a generic version soon to follow. When there is a new kind of cosmetic made by Clinique, there will be an Oil of Olay version in Target in a month or two. So the businesses that are pushing products with proprietary ingredients or technology that only they have just seem like liars to me (the businesses who know it, not my MLM friends). (3)but if the formulas are so miraculous at making you skinny, wrinkle free, full of energy, gorgeously hairless, then why aren't the mass production companies reverse engineering/wooing away their scientists to help make similar ones? 

And moreover (4) why isn't my expert--doctor/dentist/nutritionist/trainer prescribing them? Why should I trust a chick I knew one summer at volleyball camp in 1997 on how to moisturize over my Board Certified dermatologist?

As a Fellow Internet Seller:

I get the appeal of network marketing. Hello, this is my blog that has ads on it. A large chunk of people who read this blog are my friends--they are in my network--and every time I link to a post on my personal Facebook page, and a friend clicks it, I do get a tiny amount of money. If you sign up for Stitch Fix from here, I get $15!

TRUTH: I am happy when I get more pageviews because it makes me money. I am happy when a friend buys something from my Etsy shop. Let's be clear: YALL MAKE ME MONEY AND I LIKE IT! Doing something (sewing and writing) I love and helping may my billz? Yeah, it's cool, I know, because I do it too.

But my blog and Etsy shop both have a little red X somewhere up top, and you can make my words and my ads disappear forever with one little click. You don't have to email me personally, or look me in the eye and say 'No thanks' repeatedly, or ever worry that you're fracturing our relationship by opting out of my jibber jabber.

I can guarantee that I will never email, text, call, or approach you in real life to say, "would you like to read my blog?" or "can I tell you about the things I sew and sell?"  (5)You can opt out of my "business" or brand without unfriending (literally or digitally) me. The gift of the anonymous "No thanks, not interested, but I still want to be friends" is a courtesy everyone deserves. 

I have been hurt to discover this isn't the case with some of my MLM friends who have used our relationship as a shield to protect them against me getting rude or short. Their companies will equip them with scripts, a la telemarketers, and train them in how to get around my polite refusals. As another woman who conducts business online, it angers me to see aggressive tactics at work that seem to rely on pressuring a potential customer/current friend to choose between keeping her money or keeping her friend.

From conversations I have had with friends who have been sold to, (6) it seems that the product with the most allure is often guilt-relief ("I'm just supporting you in this because I love you") or breathing room ("ok, fine, I'll buy something so you will just stop bringing it up"). 

As Your Friend

The #1 feeling I get when I walk away from a MLM pitch or encounter (that went beyond my first "No, thank you," or came out of nowhere pretending like we're friends to make a sale off me) is USED. I feel used that you wanted my money (or the money my friends would eventually give you) and were willing to leverage our friendship to get access to it.

I have sweet, sweet friends (AGAIN, I dearly love many MLMs!)  who say (and mean!) "you can totally say no and I won't ever bring it up again or be offended." I am envious that they can move on so easily, but I CANT! I think I could make a pretty comprehensive list right now of  every friend who has tried to sell us something and I have had to tell them no. Because (7) it sticks with me and leaves me with a bad taste in my heart for a long time afterward (did they use me? did I offend them? what are they really in this  friendship for? can I dare ask them for anything in the future?). That may just be my introverted non salesman personality, but there ya go.

PLEASE don't tell me you want to share a business with me because you know I'd be great at it and just want to bless me. That might be part of the reason, but in reality these business models can only sustainably profit reps when they have more and more people beneath them/on their team/in their "family"/in their downline. 

That supplement that I get my coworker to buy for $150? It's making a profit for me, the person who recruited me, the person who recruited them, and up and up to the fat cat who spent $7 to manufacture a green tea powder with some added cool-sounding ingredients.

The straight up truth is that whoever got you into a MLM is making money off of you. If they are smart business people they will recruit people who would be great at recruiting others (no shame in that game!), but the problem I have is that it's almost never advertised that way. (8)  I'd so much rather hear "If you start selling this stuff you will make money AND I will too!" than just the promises and flattery of "you would be so good at this, and these products will change your life." (to be fair, one R+F rep did try to recruit me and said she would make money off my skills, and I respected her a lot more for it!) 

(9) If I feel like my friend is willing to be less than candid, shade the truth or even lie to me to make money, I lose respect for him/her and the friendship is strained (MLM-ers: take care to nott just copy and paste the same "hey girl" message to me repeatedly. Or to people I talk to because when I realize that's what you did I feel extremely used and uncared for.

(10) It's cliche because it's true: mixing money and love/friendship can be a dangerous practice.

As a Christian

Oh this one is so so tricky. I am going to write this one first person, and not assume anyone else feels the same and say outright that it's totally okay to feel/do differently from me. But how I would or would not do things does tend to shade how I feel about what's being done to me (also a Biblical principle).

As someone who publicly loves Jesus and talks about him in hopes of showing him to others, one of my most valuable asset to people in my life is my voice (in Christianese my "witness"). Am I authentic, am I truthful, would I tell you if there were yucky things about it? Am I believable in what my personal experience has been? Do I care about you? Do I love you for who you are?

If I do something along the way that makes someone doubt these things, then it's going to be a lot of work or even impossible to earn that back, so (11) I want to be jealously protective of my voice/influence/circle and am very hesitant about appearing to leverage it for any gain that isn't Jesus himself and could therefore tarnish or call into question my motives when I am talking about him.

Another aspect of this related to my faith is an economic one. For everyone to be as successful as the success stories that go along with recruitment/sales pitches (free cars, vacations, enormous paychecks, freedom, family time), there ALWAYS has to be downline (and mathematically downline has to expand EXPONENTIALLY to maintain up line profits I need 3 people to make money, they need 9 more, and on and on). At some point the market (be it your neighborhood or your planet) is saturated and there simply aren't enough people buying at market price to sustain profits for the people above who get a cut of your sales and discounts themselves. (12) So from a wisdom perspective, I don't want to invest my time, money, voice, efforts into an unsustainable business model, or encourage others to. 

UPDATED: (13) The product that is raved about most seems to be the "stay at home, make my own hours, freedom and money." It's the money and the job that seem to get marketed, NOT the products. And it is simply impossible to offer that kind of success (even if youve had it or known those who have) to everyone the same way you would offer a jar of jelly or whatever the product is.

I wish I had been less serious in this entire post so I could make a joke about a pyramid versus a cross here, but it feels too soon.

Repeating my disclaimer and request for a conversation: 

*Before you de-friend me, PLEASE join the conversation and give me a different perspective. I am very open to having my mind changed or learning more about some of the positive sides of things from you personally (not your brand's PR materials, or sales -speak).  I hope this doesn't come off as slamming or condemning!

I would also love to hear from folks who maybe know more from the inside of these things and aren't involved anymore about why you stopped.  I am no expert, and have done only moderate research on a fraction of the companies out there.

If you are a CUSTOMER (only buy and never sell) of these companies, please tell me which ones and why and how your experience has been. This feels like a rare breed to me due to pricing structure versus selling discounts and would love a perspective of someone without a downline who ENJOYS this business model (versus guilt purchases).

Ok. Talk to me.

Lord, beer me strength.

Whole on 1

Ok, let's do this.

I am starting my Whole30 in April. I got Jesse to join me and want as many people who are interested to join us, and to do this together--for support, accountability, encouragement, and general funtimes dreaming of frosting and bread....until we are free from their carby chains (that's a pun because carbohydrates are just long chains of the molecules strung together...SCIENCE!).

The Official Whole30 graphic they suggest for publicizing your participation...a little tame for my taste.

There now. That's more my speed. 

Y'alls feedback on my post asking for opinions of experienced Whole30-ers was ever so helpful! I was already leaning towards doing the program, but your firsthand stories tipped the scales into the territory of "HELLS YEAH." And April seemed perfect because it's already 30 days and it gives me (and you!) enough time to research, prepare, shop, purge the naughty things from your house, psych yourself up before 4/1 hits.

I did go ahead and order the book. Like most of the commenters said, it's definitely not necessary, and is more useful for understanding the nitty-gritty sciencey whys behind a lot of the plan--which I am enjoying already--but is certainly not essential because the Whole30 website is packed with everything you need for free (start here).

Here's what we have done so far to prepare (and we still have 2 weeks before starting, so there is plenty of time for you still, obviously):

1. Fact-finding missions to our local grocery store to find out if they carry certain items that we will want or if we will need to plan substitutes or find them at a more specialized store or online. Example: my Publix doesn't carry any bacon that doesn't have sugar in the ingredients. So we are deciding to substitute prosciutto instead.

2. Warming up: rather than just doing our normal (re: wretched) eating routine right up through 3/31 and going cold turkey on 4/1, we are heeding the advice we've been given and sort of building up it so that (hopefully) the shock/withdrawls won't be as intense. Example: I'm already drinking nothing but water, and avoiding grains/legumes/dairy/obvious sugar about 75-90% of the time. Not strict at all like it will be, but just like DEFCON 3 awareness and effort into compliance.

3. Bookmarking and screen shotting the helpful info from the Whole 30 site for easy access on my phone when I am shopping or meal planning or think of a new question. Example: their list of Sneaky Sugars to look for (and avoid!) on labels and their handy Shopping List. (Googling "whole30 _____" for any ingredient or product I am wondering about is happening often too).

4. Curating a Pinterest board for Whole30 approved recipes, products, tips and strategies. I also borrowed a Paleo cookbook from a friend and am enjoying going through that (though we will probably keep things very simple most of the time with just grilling a meat and not messing with elaborate recipes). Example: How to make my own Ghee (whole30 approved butter)

What we need to get done in the next week or so:

1. Stock the house with items that we will need/use and will last the entire challenge (as opposed to things we'll need to replenish) and may have to make a special trip to locate. I only want to have to specialty shop once for this endeavor.  Example: Coconut Aminos (Soy sauce substitute), Sugar free broth (amazingly difficult to find).

2. Find inspiring Whole30 folks on Instagram who post their meals. Many of you said this was a great resource! I am following litte Hip Squeak's special Whoe30 account @WholeAmy already but need more!

3. Start a hashtag for our own Whole30 group (assuming any of you want to join me!) so that we can easily find each other.  Everything I have thought of so far combining "Putapure" and "Whole" end up sounding like a porno, so I am still brainstorming. Example #PutapureWhole. Um no.  Ideas please! Okay the hashtag is officially  #April15Whole30 I like neat numbers. It's April15 as in 2015, btw...the start date is April 1st.  *If your instagram/FB/twitter is private, you will have to @mention me and anyone else in the posts for us to be able to see/search it.

4. Make ahead some whole30 freezer meals for when we get in a time crunch or haven't gotten to the store.Example: things we can just pull out of the freezer, thaw and dump into a pot/pan and have no more to think about. We already have a few boxes of Trader Joe's Chili Lime Chicken Burgers in the freezer to be a parachute option (and we know they are VERY yummy) when we can't even get it together enough to thaw something.

5. Learn to drink black coffee. UGH. not looking forward to this. We can add unsweetened coconut milk, but something tells me it's not the same as my typical milked-and-sugared-beyond-recognition cup of coffee. I actually wondered about breast milk in coffee (I hear it's naturally sweet!) but so far that is the ONLY thing I cant find a Whole30 answer about on Google. Better learn to love plain old beanwater!

6. Take before pics/info. One of the things I love about the program is that you are required to hide your scale during the 30 days. You should weigh yourself before the start of it, but not again until after. So I will need to weigh myself , and additionally I will take some pics of how I look and record how I typically feel as well.

I know this doesn't sound like a trip to the carnival. It doesn't to me either. It's not supposed to be. It's supposed to crazy restrictive and as far to one side of the food spectrum as you will ever get in your life--for only 30 days--so you will hopefully realize how crappy the other side of the spectrum was making you feel and then decide where you want to fall in between the two for the rest of your life.

It's not supposed to be a weight loss endeavor--but I'm hoping for me it will wake me up and help inspire me to break habits I've formed that will in turn change my lifestyle permanently, and THEN get me to a healthier weight. All while still allowing me to eat pizza and cupcakes every blue moon (rather than every blue Tuesday). I need to recalibrate my brain as to what food is and how I use it.

One friend of mine who didnt comment here on the blog  but emailed me instead had a lot of excellent points and gave me permission to share her experience AND her photos of her journey. She also played Volleyball for Georgia Tech (though not overlapping with me...she's a youngin'). Here's the lovely Allie.

1. Have you done a Whole30? How did it go? If not, have you done a dairy/sugar fast? How was that?

I have done the whole 30 twice and i've also attempted the 21 day sugar detox (a stricter version than whole 30 which i did not successfully complete).

After graduating from Tech it took me a few years to realize I couldn't continue to eat like I did in college when I was practicing for 3 or 4 hours everyday. I gradually put on 20 - 30lb. 

So the past few years i've been slowly adjusting my diet to resemble the paleo diet. I had already somewhat adjusted to having limited amounts of bread, dairy, unnatural sugar and processed food when I did the whole 30 for the first time last Aug. But I did and still do allow myself to have junk food from time to time. Even eating somewhat clean leading up to the whole 30 it was HARD. It will be hard regardless but the best way is just to fully commit and jump in. Thankfully my boyfriend and I did it together so there was no non-compliant food in the house. If you do the whole 30 you can't have junk around. You will literally steal food out of your kids mouths, your cravings will be so strong.

After doing the whole 30 i realized what I eat impacts me in a million ways I never would have imagined. Obviously weight but emotions, sleep, acne, headaches, allergies, inflammation... the list goes on. I think doing an elimination diet like whole 30 and identifying foods that impact you by gradually reintroducing them after a month is really impactful. Most people find that there are benefits to continuing to follow most of the principles of whole 30 after they finish it.  

2. Would you say that reading the book beforehand is crucial? Cheepo McBeepo here is wondering if I can [vegan coconut] fudge it.

Yes! I have actually read the book a few times. For me understanding why i'm doing something helps me stay committed. It starts with food takes some really complicated information and puts it into a context that is easy to understand and I thought it was a quick read. You obviously don't have to read it to complete the whole 30 but I got a lot out of it.

3. Specific followups to #1: Did you see noticeable changes in your energy level/mood/skin/weight?

If you can make it through the first 7-10 days you will really start to see and feel the benefits of the changes. Your taste buds start to change and fruits and vegetables actually start to taste way better than they ever did. I couldn't believe how good a honey crisp apple tasted. And it was almost too sweet for my stomach to handle. You will be much more in tune with your body and what its telling you it needs. Sleep generally improves and you have more energy. You may not know just how might lighter you feel until you try to each something off the diet again and your body doesn't like it.

I lost weight and gained muscle (I had more energy in my workouts). The picture I attached is from a few years ago and I didn't see all those results from 1 month but it does show where I started and what changing my eating habits has been able to help me get back to. I loved like it isn't about restricting calories. I've always had a big appetite and I can eat a ton... its just a ton of the right food that is nutrient dense. One of my friends did whole 30 with me in Jan about 5 months after she had a baby and she lost 15 lbs.

4. Was it hard as mess to stick to? Was it worth it? Did you go back to your same habits or did it change anything permanently for you?

It is hard to stick to. You will be very tempted to go crazy on day 31 and once you break the seal its easy to revert back. But its also an emotional process and when you go off sugar you realize that most of the time you are eating its not actually because you are hungry. Gaining that awareness has helped me continue to limit foods that I don't want in my diet regularly. And only splurging if its something I love and tastes amazing. For me meal prep and cooking are critical. I have to have food prepared so I dont have a reason to get fast food or stop at the vending machine and that takes time and effort. I generally make a fritta on Sunday with a bunch of veggies and then i can heat it up in the mornings. And on Sundays we cook a few big meals so we have food to eat for lunch during the week and freeze anything we don't want that week. Most people are good about doing meal prep the first week but then don't spend that same time in later weeks and that's where most people fall off the wagon. There is nothing worse then being really hungry and there being NOTHING around you can eat.

5. What was harder: giving up the foods you had to or planning ahead to not get caught in a bind?

I've started to really enjoy cooking so the meal prep isn't terrible its just time consuming. I buy veggies, eggs and meat in bulk from Costco and whenever I do cook I make a lot so I don't have to cook everyday. Some days you just don't have time. I think its definitely harder giving up the foods. I'm an emotional eater and not going to comfort food when I was stressed and upset was a challenge and still is.

Tips

1. Do it with other people

2. Follow whole 30 and whole30 food bloggers on instagram

3. Drink lots of water

4. Breakfast will be your favorite meal of the day

5. Dont be afraid of fats and protein. Feeling full is critical to avoiding temptation

6. Let me know if you need recipes!

Good luck!

Keight here again.

Okay so, there's my deal. It has a hashtag and will involve hash (sweet potato, specifically). Won't you join us Dukes? I'm so nervous and excited and wiggly (that might be all the water though). I know how helpful group accountability is to succeeding at new hard thing so PLEASE think it over! For me, my initial panicked thoughts of "Oh I could never do that!" were the first red flags that told me I probably have some unhealthy bonds with food and need a change. The parts of my brain that are addicted to Cap'n Crunch and 5 squares of dark chocolate at bedtime (for dental health!) are still putting up a fight for survival and are not going quietly. I shall smother them with kale (that's a plant, right?).

Let's do this.

Totally Clutch(es)

Four of my best lady friends forced me to have a little baby shower party recently.  I have pictures and a whole post I need to do about how lovely it was. 

For the hostess gifts, I wanted to do something handmade, but decidedly not lame AND have it be something I had never made before that I would try just for them (as opposed to a beach bag or a scarf..."here, have some of my existing inventory," just wasn't the sentiment I wanted to convey).

but THESE say, "Women, I love your faces so hard and appreciate beyond belief the work that went into celebrating my baby girl and covering my with love!" I mean, I hope they do. There's always a thank you note, just in case.

I have been interested in trying my hand at sewing with leather for awhile now. When I scored a gorgeous, soft-beyond-belief, chocolate brown, men's large jacket at a thrift shop for $1, I knew it was time to jump in. Small investment, small risk.

A quick pinterest search netted me the perfect project with a great tutorial. Polka Dot Chair's Leather Foldover Clutch.

source

that caramel colored leather she used is so sexy! I'm on the lookout for some of my own!

I sliced up the jacket, stopping to make Jesse model the sleeveless look, of course.

HAWT

In about an hour I had made a seriously decent clutch. The first one I had decided would be for me and if it went well, I would make another 4 with each girlie's personality in mind. I had a challenging blast picking inside and outside fabrics to match each girls' style (I stalked their Pinterests) and got to work.

I was so giddy about how they turned out, that I decided to take my time and try my best to photograph them well (I have a great camera and know a leeettle about what youre supposed to do with it, but I'm definitely not great, and it takes a lot of effort and thought for me to put it all into action, which is why I usually just settle for meh-quality, or phone pics). 

Plus, I had enjoyed making the clutches so much and had lots of extra leather that I figured I might make some more and eventually sell them in my Etsy shop, so a more professional looking set of photos of the product would definitely be useful.

After plenty of fiddling, and brain-stretching to try to put all the camera-ish things I'm supposed to know all together at once, I ended up with my favorite little set of project pics ever! And since I can only use 5 on Etsy, I wanted to splash the entire set here to remind me why taking the time to push myself with our camera is worth it--AND why trying new materials and projects to expand my sewing skills is too!

this was the one I did first, for myself in case it was terrible. 100% passable, i declare.

the lining and the zip and my first stab at a pull tassel which was pretty fail-ish.

my friend Liz is a crunchy, hippie (hello she birthed her twins at home in water!), earth-mother-of-4 doula rockstar.  She is the sweetest, most caring spirit I've ever known, and also loves a good vagina joke (my perfect mate!). I knew she'd been digging tribal prints lately from her pinterest so I went with the coral arrows.

a better tassel, and the cute cowboys and indians interior fabric.

i love this print!

for Nikki, the classically-styled professional working mama, I went with the gray and white print that is originally from a shower curtain i bought to upholster our barstools. I had to change the stools to a plastic-coated fabric about 2 days later when I realized that the kids would stain non-stain proof  fabric at each and every meal, but since Nikki wouldn't be eating atop her clutch, I figured it would serve nicely.

just like Nikki, a lot more wild on the inside. You may remember it was Nikki who escorted/inducted me into my first Brazilian waxing experience.

My girl Steph, the hot young (25...damn her) newly(ish)wed almost two years!) still has a life (aka no kids) and can pull off preppy and boho with equal panache.  I went for a classic black and white stripe since it will go great with anything and still pop and rock. Steph went to Haiti with Jesse this summer, and is a member of the family that yall helped to adopt 3 kids from Ukraine last year!)

dark pink herringbone for the interior. (totally looks like he is yelling at us)

for Natalie (who was my saving grace/voice of Jesus in this horrifying marriage meltdown moment, and whose baby shower I cohosted a few years back), a vintage-y sort of modern floral print. Natalie is a campus minister with many tattoos and is also a mom of 3 boys. She's one of the most authentic humans alive and is so easy-breezy. This organic print just seemed perfect for my beautiful ginger.

a feisty brown floral on the innards. (I'm sure nat's innards are the same).

And, if you know me, you know how bonkers I am for iterations. I just can't enough of multiple versions of the same thing all stacked up beside each other. I'd love to know what this means about my personality (probably "SUPERFREAK").

I could just take a big gobbley bite out of this stack!

stand proud, my lovelies!

a good shot of my more-perfected tassel design.

all the single ladies in a conga line.

girls, you're as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.

I was stunned when I posted one of these pics on instagram. So many people wanted to buy them NOW. That made me feel so wonderful that I had made something desirable for my beloved friends. I had a break in Etsy orders one night, so I made a few more of these which are now available for sale. I even got a few new fabrics that I am excited to use if/when I ever get a free moment again.

the for-sale specimens!

Happy, fancy, flirty Friday (I may or may not have a child-free overnight date night with MUH-MAN on the docket!)

vacapetion

Just when I was showing signs of rebounding from my bloggy coma, we went out of town for a week. We are officially there and back again with lots of sunny photos to show for it.

This was our yearly summer vacation. It was our 10th (!!) year of going to the same place (Cape San Blas, FL) with the same crew (The Harper family) and having the same kind of time (flawless, wonderful).  Jesse and I were fortunate enough to be asked on this trip by our campus minister/boss at Georgia Tech Christian Campus Fellowship (where we met) in 2005 so that we could help play with/supervise his 3 boys (then ages 8-15). 

After that, we called DIBS and just never stopped showing up. The whole situation has grown ever-more beneficial to us over the years as, A: the boys have grown up to be 3 of our best friends whom we LOVE being around as grown ups (now ages 17-24!), and B: they are dreamy "bruncles" (brothers/uncles) to my kids and help us out a ton while my kids idolize them. The sitted have become the sitters!

A smattering from our week (some you may have already seen if you follow me on instagram, but many are new releases). 

the first night (note her floaties). there are THREE dukes women in this photo.

 usually rolling up the trunks was enough to assuage the chafing the the ocean/sand always causes judah. and this photo is adorable, obviously

right. so this. first of all he is a tiger. this is because the flower girl from our wedding--who has since become 12 years old and kicked cancer's ass-- Audrey Arrowood (whose parents mentored us and whose entire family is BFF) snuck my kids away one night and face painted them. and SECOND, he is wearing layla's swim bottoms as a speedo because the chafing got out of control and no amount of trunk-rolling would work, and was he LOSING it and it was so sad. so we just made a swap and ended up with this moment which i am 100% will never come back to embarrass him.

right after he changed, judah felt a little bashful about the speedo. then Grayson did this to his shorts (despite tons of fellow teenagers all over the beach) and judah stopped caring and my heart just soared. jesus, please put people like this around my kids forever and let them BE people like this!

waiting for a table at the not-so-secret-anymore best restaurant, The Raw Bar. just the funniest face Judah has ever made. I have NO clue what was happening.

that's more like it.

and THAT's really like it. (note the different clothes...we go several times over the course of the week)

in order to get mommy/daddy relaxation and rest levels up to vacation-standard we had to full on sell out to the iPads some mornings. I dont regret it. and the condo came equipped with this perfect viewing cabinet!

girlfriend is a gamer in the ocean and sand. 

nerdy goggles and a lack of floaties.

Insert aside of pure joy: my mom and dad gifted Layla swim lessons this summer. Layla took 7 private lessons before we left for the trip, and had to be dragged through each one; showing little to no interest or improvement, and not a little bit of irrational fear of "draining".

I was fairly certain she'd be in a floatie until age 12 and that the generosity of my mom had been wasted. and then randomly on the 2nd or third day, she said she wanted to take off the floatie and "practice swim lessons" which we laughed at and figured would be her tip toeing across the shallows. Instead, this happened (working on higher-res versions):

and then 2 days later after we had given up trying to get her to put her head under finally stopped bugging her about it and just decided to be content with the doggy paddle, she literally out of nowhere starts doing this (trying to get a higher-res version to load):

and she never stopped. she can officially, and totally swim! the floaties didnt see daylight again after this (though they will for the baby, because we will never have another kiddie floatation device besides this kind because they rock so hard and are much safer and useful than water wings ever were!).

We think that little punk was just wanting to do it herself and not be told by anyone. OR that seeing her buddy Neli Arrowood-- the big 4 year old-- rock the skill of swimming helped motivate her through competitiveness . I assume she got those traits from Jesse as I am super coachable and laid back about competition.

we got obsessed with catching coquina shell creatures and watching them burrow, each of which Judah named "Shelldor" and then a corresponding number. we got up to at least Shelldor 51

walking Judah out to the beach goes like this:

 he sprints way way ahead of me on the boardwalk....

and I find him waiting patiently up on the bench once I catch up. i say, "oh hello, little boy, you look fun, would you like to me in my family?" he is usually happy to join. love it.

sugar belle LOVED the dune vines and all their applications. 

the whole fam!

they slept HARD. gotta love the beach for that!

 i'm fond of them.

majestic vine prancer.

the focus. the precision. the abs.

holy sassy competition cheerleader/aerobicizer pose.

future rhythmic gymnast olympian.

sugar on top.

queen of the mountain

the queen reigns ALONE

but she is merciful in the end.

did i mention the harpers are crazy soccer players/fans and the world cup was going on? the USA vs. BEL game was tense for everyone. i got through it with lots of guacamole.

will the third possibly be as spectacular as these two are?!

he spent 20% of the vacation in flight.

4th of July night, this pre-dug hole was an amazing babysitter! (not deep or steep enough to be one of those cave-in stories, worriers!)

hahahaha classic. i dont feel bad about this because she threw sand in everyone's eyes nonstop.

he spent the other 80% asking deep questions about crabs.

catching the frisbee is important.

patriotic kite flying. a la ben franklin!

hardcore sunset bros.

i'll take two scoops of that, si vous plait. with free refills!

i think donovan is taking the blame for an errant frisbee toss here, but the damage is clearly done.

what's a girl to do when she's trying to model and her hair is blowing in her face?

obviously, she gets local teen heart throb, Bruncle Grayson, to be her stylist.  she's very posh, you see.

now we're cooking.

she is getting sleepy. verrrrry sleepy.

HOORAY FREEDOM!

so much LOL from me. i stood above the hole taking pics (for like the hundredth time) and she was so over looking at the camera. i demanded she look up and she refused. so i started the mommy count to consequence: "ONNNNNE,....TWWWWWOO...." and by three her head snapped right up to the camera like so. sheer perfection. straight busted.

the sun escapes without incident for  yet another night.

MWAHAHAHAHA not so fast, el sol! 

freedom fighters lovers. my two and the littlest two Arrowoods.

someone swears she had a dramatic burning encounter with a sparkler and only grape soda can help.

speaking of soda, we got a pair of these bad boys, "Turtlebacks" before vacation and they are awesome. I am not a sand fan, especially on my frosty beverages, and these are by far the best devices i've seen for keeping the drink upright and sand free. get a set for yo-self!

no pressure, but if Judah and Neli ever get married, this pic and exit sparklers will be mandatory.

more hang time.

layla and her beloved Garrett.

sand castle building. jesse gets super handsy and possessive when he captains one of these efforts, which inevitably ends in tears for him since the kids are hands on and opinionated...and destructicons.

more mid-air and great hair

heaven help us.

my blue eyed babes.

boys

boys

boys! great gosh i love them.

no girl could be happier with her choice of spouse. i live in swoonsville.

i just told him that he's the father!

pretty sure no one told him to hold the baby like that. heart melt!

girl time. she's tops.

her kisses are extremely aggressive. know this.

i hate my eyelids. so close to a great pic of 3 kids.

family pics were a struggle for us.

but not for these lookers! behold the Harpers!

this photo keeps getting funnier as Grayson, who first did this pose at age 8, is now the biggest Harper. we will never relent on tradition.

boys and their muscles.

another tradition pic where they point stoically at nothing. (except judah who has never smiled this cute or directly at a camera in his life, but in the one pic where it's a no-look straight face he delivers!)

gang's all here! (no one be creeped out by the awkward ordering that left a fake little family on the right side of the pic...and another on the left with my two plaid dads.)

this is the only time a pose like this is allowed by her on the internet.

almost a great shot. the best we could hope for, really.

because: true story 98% of the time.

we all felt like this on the way home (but aint nobody can look this good doing it!)

Jesse and I agreed that year #10 was probably our favorite ever. Our kids are at record-high levels of fun, the Harper boys are full on beloved peers, the weather was spotless, we were diaper-less ffor the first time in 6 trips, the Arrowoods were able to come at the same time, the World Cup was on, but not all day every day, and I was not insecure about bikini fat-rolls because my belly is rotund with uterus!

Until next year, Cape! (we'll have diapers with us, FYI).

** Several people asked about why the non-camera phone pics look so good. A: beach sunset lighting is almost foolproof. but mostly B: THIS LENS is everything for portraits if you arent a professional but have a DSLR and want a great, but affordable lens besides the main do-it-all one. it's the only other lens i own.