shine

.

you know the rock that fell to the bottom to then become rock bottom? well i got hit by that rock when it landed and i am sub-rock bottom right now.

i dont want to just be a whiny baby and complain, because even feeling like this, i have tremendous amounts to be grateful for and i AM. but i am also sub-rock bottom. it can be both. because i say so.

do you ever feel like you are failing at every single personal relationship you are in? like you want to quit the human race. that's me.

i get up to go to work. i wont see my kids for almost 12 hours. i walk in as jesse is changing layla. i say, "hey judah boy! how'd you sleep, buddy?" he tells me he pooped in his pants and follows that up with, "mommy go away," and points to the door.

it's like getting punched in the stomach and i am too empty to even begin to deal with that one. i turn around to leave, smile at layla and give her a hug. i think she smiles back at me.

i dont say a word to jesse because we are in some god awful fight that is not really a fight but is some form of walking marriage cancer where we both are bleeding out and have nothing to give each other but both still need so much. when you have cancer, your body sometimes cant even handle a tiny cold. a stupid fight or disagreement becomes a full blown meltdown of all systems. there is no time or energy to fix it, so you just ignore it and limp on. after all, there are pants full of poop that wont empty themselves.

as i walk back down the hall i hear judah get up and slam the door behind me; shutting me out. that sound and that image of the door slamming me out is a knife to the gut. i get in my car and go to work. that was the entirety of my family time until 4 pm when the kids will wake up from their naps and jesse will be gone out giving guitar lessons so that we can pay our bills.

i have unanswered emails, comments, facebook messages. people who need and want things from me. i have scads of outstanding orders and a totally broken sewing machine. jesse and i have 9 cavities between us and i also need a dental procedure that is going to cost thousands. that is precious rare resources of money, time off work, time away from important stuff, so that i can have the pleasure of getting my teeth and bones drilled on.

i am signed up for a half marathon in december. i havent run in over a week. i paid money and have run hundreds of miles in preparation for this event that it looks like i might not even be physically prepared to finish. we use precious free babysitting so that we can drive 14 hours to pay money to run this race, but it just makes us even more busy and get even more behind emotionally and relationally and physically.

it feels like everybody and everything in my life needs something from me right now, but i am not living in community or being refilled with or by any of them. not my husband, not my kids, not my friends, not my church, not my family, not my hobbies. it's no one's fault (or it is our own for over-extending ourselves). it's just the place we are in right now. i know jesse feels the same way about his life right now so he cant give either, the kids ONLY take because that is what kids do--they dont give back, we are geographically far from most of our best friends and dont have the time or freedom to be with the ones who are close in any meaningful way, church is wonderful but is only one hour and a whole lot of stress and prep to get the kids ready just to be there (and to jesse, it is his job).

we are universal donors right now and we are dying for a transfusion.

i KNOW the answer of course. the answer is jesus. and there's some really cool thing i could do with keeping the blood metaphor up and talking about jesus's blood and how it revives, but i just dont feel like it. because i'm failing hard at that relationship too.

yes, i know better. i know all the truths about how it will get better, how we are so blessed, how we will come out of this stronger, but honestly? they just sound like lame-ass trite platitudes to my ears right now.

i just dont feel like it. all i want to do is cry and sleep and not have to be a grown up. (is that like THE pre-screening indicator of clinical depression? awesome. add that to the list of "shit i dont have time for"). i cant even think of a fairy tale ending that would or could pull us out right now. a million dollars? a live-in nanny? 5 extra hours per day? i dont think any of those would fix the real problem here.

i am painstakingly choosing to have faith through this. my god, i dont feel it at all; i don't feel anything, but i am declaring the truth that jesus is still here in this and that he has overcome the world.

this is probably my most favorite jesus song ever. it has a bitching tear-jerker of a light-brite stop motion video (good videos dont exist in christian music typically) for it too, but it's the lyrics that seem to be one of the only things that are able to pierce this nasty dementor fog of hopelessness and my utterly overcome heart and remind me of him and his light. it is my mantra right now; my please jesus, let this be true scrap of wreckage that i am clinging to.

Send me a sign

A hint, a whisper

Throw me a line

'Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet

Breathe your awakening

Bring me to life

'Cause I am fading

Surround me with the rush of angels' wings

Shine Your light so I can see You

Pull me up, I need to be near You

Hold me, I need to feel love

Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?

You sent a sign

A hint, a whisper

Human divine

Heaven is listening

Death laid love quiet

Yet in the night a stirring

All around the rush of angels

Oh, the wonder of the greatest love has come

Shine Your light so all can see it

Lift it up, 'cause the whole world needs it

Love has come, what joy to hear it

He has overcome

He has overcome