you know the rock that fell to the bottom to then become rock bottom? well i got hit by that rock when it landed and i am sub-rock bottom right now.

i dont want to just be a whiny baby and complain, because even feeling like this, i have tremendous amounts to be grateful for and i AM. but i am also sub-rock bottom. it can be both. because i say so.

do you ever feel like you are failing at every single personal relationship you are in? like you want to quit the human race. that's me.

i get up to go to work. i wont see my kids for almost 12 hours. i walk in as jesse is changing layla. i say, "hey judah boy! how'd you sleep, buddy?" he tells me he pooped in his pants and follows that up with, "mommy go away," and points to the door.

it's like getting punched in the stomach and i am too empty to even begin to deal with that one. i turn around to leave, smile at layla and give her a hug. i think she smiles back at me.

i dont say a word to jesse because we are in some god awful fight that is not really a fight but is some form of walking marriage cancer where we both are bleeding out and have nothing to give each other but both still need so much. when you have cancer, your body sometimes cant even handle a tiny cold. a stupid fight or disagreement becomes a full blown meltdown of all systems. there is no time or energy to fix it, so you just ignore it and limp on. after all, there are pants full of poop that wont empty themselves.

as i walk back down the hall i hear judah get up and slam the door behind me; shutting me out. that sound and that image of the door slamming me out is a knife to the gut. i get in my car and go to work. that was the entirety of my family time until 4 pm when the kids will wake up from their naps and jesse will be gone out giving guitar lessons so that we can pay our bills.

i have unanswered emails, comments, facebook messages. people who need and want things from me. i have scads of outstanding orders and a totally broken sewing machine. jesse and i have 9 cavities between us and i also need a dental procedure that is going to cost thousands. that is precious rare resources of money, time off work, time away from important stuff, so that i can have the pleasure of getting my teeth and bones drilled on.

i am signed up for a half marathon in december. i havent run in over a week. i paid money and have run hundreds of miles in preparation for this event that it looks like i might not even be physically prepared to finish. we use precious free babysitting so that we can drive 14 hours to pay money to run this race, but it just makes us even more busy and get even more behind emotionally and relationally and physically.

it feels like everybody and everything in my life needs something from me right now, but i am not living in community or being refilled with or by any of them. not my husband, not my kids, not my friends, not my church, not my family, not my hobbies. it's no one's fault (or it is our own for over-extending ourselves). it's just the place we are in right now. i know jesse feels the same way about his life right now so he cant give either, the kids ONLY take because that is what kids do--they dont give back, we are geographically far from most of our best friends and dont have the time or freedom to be with the ones who are close in any meaningful way, church is wonderful but is only one hour and a whole lot of stress and prep to get the kids ready just to be there (and to jesse, it is his job).

we are universal donors right now and we are dying for a transfusion.

i KNOW the answer of course. the answer is jesus. and there's some really cool thing i could do with keeping the blood metaphor up and talking about jesus's blood and how it revives, but i just dont feel like it. because i'm failing hard at that relationship too.

yes, i know better. i know all the truths about how it will get better, how we are so blessed, how we will come out of this stronger, but honestly? they just sound like lame-ass trite platitudes to my ears right now.

i just dont feel like it. all i want to do is cry and sleep and not have to be a grown up. (is that like THE pre-screening indicator of clinical depression? awesome. add that to the list of "shit i dont have time for"). i cant even think of a fairy tale ending that would or could pull us out right now. a million dollars? a live-in nanny? 5 extra hours per day? i dont think any of those would fix the real problem here.

i am painstakingly choosing to have faith through this. my god, i dont feel it at all; i don't feel anything, but i am declaring the truth that jesus is still here in this and that he has overcome the world.

this is probably my most favorite jesus song ever. it has a bitching tear-jerker of a light-brite stop motion video (good videos dont exist in christian music typically) for it too, but it's the lyrics that seem to be one of the only things that are able to pierce this nasty dementor fog of hopelessness and my utterly overcome heart and remind me of him and his light. it is my mantra right now; my please jesus, let this be true scrap of wreckage that i am clinging to.

Send me a sign
A hint, a whisper
Throw me a line
'Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet
Breathe your awakening
Bring me to life
'Cause I am fading

Surround me with the rush of angels' wings

Shine Your light so I can see You
Pull me up, I need to be near You
Hold me, I need to feel love
Can You overcome this heart that's overcome?

You sent a sign
A hint, a whisper
Human divine
Heaven is listening

Death laid love quiet
Yet in the night a stirring

All around the rush of angels

Oh, the wonder of the greatest love has come

Shine Your light so all can see it
Lift it up, 'cause the whole world needs it
Love has come, what joy to hear it
He has overcome
He has overcome


  1. Oh Keight... If you only knew how these words could have been voiced through me as well. I am one ball of emotional mess right now. I am pregnant so I'm wanting to chalk it all up to hormones, but I know that it's my lack of faith and motivation in my relationship with Him! There's a wall.. there's an emptiness and a numbness that comes with no communication and intimacy with Jesus. I know and WANT to feel he's near me, but sometimes the overwhelming-ness of life and initiative it takes to be a mom, work, wife... etc, you don't want to give anything else!
    So, thanks for sharing... even though both you and I know the solution... it's nice to vomit all the bad out to get to the answer!

  2. i know there are no perfect words when everything feels wrong, but i wanted to let you know i'm sending you hugs. hang in there :) xoxoxo

  3. Aww.. hope it passes and things get better very soon.

  4. We struggle with the community thing, too. We don't live close to a) anyone we know or b) our good friends. And finding a church that fits with us AND has cool people isn't always the easiest thing. It's hard. And at the end of the day, you just look at your spouse and think, "please don't ask anything of me-I have nothing to give" and then you feel like the crappiest wife ever. I get you.

    The Theology for Women blog had a good entry (last week?) about moms of infants and toddlers needing to give themselves grace first, and I think it's a good reminder for all of us: we need to cut ourselves some slack sometimes, especially when the kids are young. The demands are too great to handle without God, and we are just too rotten to always depend on God. And that's not to say we shouldn't strive for biblical relationships or set (reasonable) expectations for ourselves. But it's ok to say, "screw the half marathon- let's just check in to a hotel in Atlanta, nap, swim in the pool, and have some good time to ourselves. I tried to make it work, but it just made my life crazy. Maybe next time".

    Oh- and please do not stress about my sewing order. The only thing I need by January is the valance, and the rest of the stuff isn't needed until end of January.

  5. I feel like I am a few years ahead of you, in marriage and in raising a family, so I thought I could share some encouragement. It seems like you are attempting to invest in all areas where you have been given great gift and talent. Some of those you can't let go of (marriage, kids, income producing responsibilities), but some, you might be able to cut back on a little. I had to learn that while there were lots of things I was good at, some just had to wait for their season. And raising little kids is hard work. Worth it, but hard. They make you feel like crap sometimes, but they still love you with their whole heart. They can push you away because they know, without a doubt, that you are there when they decide they want to pull you back in. You've got this. That overextending thing is a sneaky beast that tries to creep in on all of us. Praying for you, and I really mean that.

  6. I have no words of wisdom, as I have a feeling I'm only just considering a voyage of a similar nature. All I can offer is a metaphorical hug.

  7. Totally have been there. Several times, actually, through my 13 years of marriage & 2 kids. At first, it was really difficult to deal with...but I've learned that if I can ride out the storm (or depression, or whatever it is) things will right themselves in time. Just hang in there & keep praying. And I love the idea of cutting back on things (the extras, of course) you're committed to. I'm actually in the process of doing just that, and it's HARD. Especially when money doesn't grow on trees, houses don't clean themselves, and kids can't cook their own dinner. Anyway, this helps me sometimes: sit down, make a list of everything you've got to do - EVERYTHING. I usually find that just getting it all out of my brain is a huge load off. Then prioritize and don't take on anything extra till you're back above water.

    Just some suggestions...for whatever they're worth. I'll be over that way whenever my sister-in-law has her baby, so if you want me to look you up, I will! :)

  8. Coming out of lurk-dom to tell you that I could've written this and just substituted my family names for yours...in fact, maybe i will. My family keeps asking me to blog again so maybe i'll start with this. Ha! I kid. Sorta. I'd change the song too...cuz while yours is awesome and I'm adding it to my list - the one that is on auto-play in my head and in my van is "I lift my hands to believe again. You are my refuge..." Chris Tomlin (I Lift My Hands)

  9. I'm praying for you.

  10. I wish I didn't relate to you in this post, but the reality is I was a sobbing mess with Nate this morning about many, many similar themes. SO sick of the constant feeling that I have only half the energy I need for all the things on my plate. --Even more frustrating and guilt-inducing is the fact that most of those things are so good and so beautiful (like my daughter, my marriage, my ministry). And yet, most of the time I just want to escape it all. This is a lot of the sentiment behind my last blog post too. Anyways...I feel you. Way more than I wish I did. (Timely quip or encouragement or word of hope should go here but I got nothin'.)

  11. I have always wondered when reading your blog how you do it all...everything involved in being a wife, mother, steward of your home, working gal....then plus all the extras of sewing, running, reading, blogging....You have too much going on, and no one will judge you for having to cut back on some of your "extras". Do what is needed to cut out everything that is not a priority....hopefully some serenity and happiness will come your way asap!

  12. Keight, just know that even in your darkest moment, you are still giving to lots of people. When I read this post I thought, "Well, Hell , yes. That what she said up there, I second that. All of it." Thanks for putting it out there so eloquently. All too often we get caught up in the thought process of it not being OK to admit that we are not perfect, but you did a marvelous job of expressing what a lot of us moms with too many balls in the air feel all too often. Know that there are a lot of us out here who really think a lot of you and who are behind you 110%. I'm sending hugs from Alabama!

  13. This post made my heart hurt for you--and for me, because I understand those feelings better than I wish I did. One of my favorite songs has a chorus that says, "I can't see ahead, but I can look behind, and I can see how faithful He has been." That gets me through so many times in my faith--it hurts too much to look forward, and it's too overwhelming to try to get out of the pit. But you have the truth, and you are choosing it. Cling to the hope that you know is there even when you can't feel it. (Also, please don't quit on humanity. I am SO looking forward to meeting you in a few weeks, and I think we're going to get along just wonderfully :D)

  14. I never comment, guess I'm a "lurker" but HAD to after this post. I love reading your blog and can connect because you are a working mom with a full plate. I totally understand and want to thank you for being honest enough to blog about it. It has helped me knowing that I am not the only one that struggles; sometimes in the blog world everything seems so "perfect" when we all know it is not. Thank you for being honest and for sharing your faith. Hang in there!

  15. Praying for you friend. I am struggling with the right words tonight, so just know that you're covered in prayer.

  16. I don't ever comment on blogs. Funny that the first time I feel compelled to comment is on a topic such as this:). Thank you for being honest. I think lots of people who blog tend towards the 'look at my perfect life/children/home' posts, and it is refreshing to know that you are human, as we all are. My husband and I are going through some junk right now, and though I know the Lord sees it all and even orchestrates it, some days it's just hard to say 'oh, but y'all, I just KNOW the Lord will use this for good' yadda yadda yadda. Like you, I know that the truth is He really will use it for good and will get me through it, but today is just not a 'say what I know to be true instead of how I'm feeling right now' kind of day. I think God appreciates our ugly. Thanks for being real with us today, Keight. I will be praying the days ahead bring more and more little rays of light to get you into some straight-up-crazy-sun-glaring-in-your-face kinds of days:)

  17. So good to know when we're feeling crappy that others have been, or are, in the hole with you! Honestly, even though I had 5 children, I don't think I could have done one and still worked part time, much less full time, so to all of you who are doing that, I really stand in awe of you. I can't imagine the constant pressure you are under. I got a taste of it for several years when our 4th child was born with a disability and developed multiple illnesses, including leukemia, and I can tell you there were days when I didn't know how I could put one foot in front of the other, and seriously wondered where God was in the midst of my life taking a serious dive for the crapper. Two things helped me more than any...praise music (since I was so not in the mood to praise myself) and listening to Scripture on tape (yep, I'm THAT old) since there was no way I was getting much Jesus time any other way. The music played in the hospital room, at home, in the car, and Scripture played on the hour long rides to Egleston Hospital. I'll never forget the day I heard, "Keep on praying and do not lose heart." I had to stop the tape, back it up and listen again, and again, because I was so close to losing heart, faith, soul, mind, etc...Luke 18: 1-8 was a life line. Blessings to each of you, especially Keight. God is near to the brokenhearted even when it seems like He's nonexistent.

  18. "it feels like everybody and everything in my life needs something from me right now, but i am not living in community or being refilled with or by any of them. not my husband, not my kids, not my friends, not my church, not my family, not my hobbies. it's no one's fault (or it is our own for over-extending ourselves). it's just the place we are in right now.".....you took the words out of my mouth/heart/soul/brain/core. huh. thanks for your honesty. God will overcome.

  19. Your honesty is just amazing. You and Jesse must be pretty amazing people, considering how hard Satan tries to bring you down. Keep the faith.

  20. Keight, I too am one who doesn't tend to comment, but I read your blog and love it. And this post just resonated with me. You know, Jesus had pretty low standards and hung out with the people who do not have their act together. We often attempt to hold outselves to some unattainable standard that our culture has created. Balancing is an idol--one you achieve balance in your life, you are panicking about how to not lose it. It is a myth and I swear not one mother out there is accomplishing it on a sustainable basis...it can't be done. I have four kids and I ride the roller coaster of life feeling good and then taking the plunge where nothing is right...I've had to cut back on things in my life--good things--but good things are no good if they are tied to your neck and you are trying to stay afloat. Cut yourself some slack :) And know that you have a fan club out in cyber space who think you're awesome

  21. This resonates with me so much. My husband and I have been dealing with the same cancerous rut that drains, that makes us wonder if love is enough or if we are just too messed up individually to ever work as a couple. And it hasn't been said out loud quite like that, but we're just s-t-u-c-k much like you and your husband are. In the work, the coming home, the trying to relax, the trying to unwind, the trying to have five minutes of alone time without the other one feeling ignored, the trying to please every other person on the planet and have couple dates where we don't talk about this stuck-ness. I feel set free by your post, to talk about it, to blog about it, to be real without compromising anyone's dignity. We are all deeply flawed and in need of God's grace. I think talking about it, and helping each other through it (virtually or literally) is maybe how God can use times like these for His glory.

    He sure used you this morning.

  22. Well said, my friend. Praying for y'all. When things get tough your post about jesse "not being the enemy" is ALWAYS in my head. But about my hubby, of course. Satan is the master of lies and defeat. Thanks as always for your honesty. (and for answering my fb message... How do I always catch you at your busiest? Thanks for taking the time to love people.) God's doing a mighty work through you & jesse. Even when it doesn't feel like it! Again, prayers being said.

  23. I haven't commented much, and I know I'm a post behind now, so I'm going to try to rein myself in. Just wanted to say thanks for this post--I was nodding or tearing up after practically every sentence. My husband and I just had our 3 year anniversary yesterday and I totally lost it on him for watching a football game instead of spending time with me. Silly, stupid fights just seem like the end of the world when you've got so much other crap to deal with. I blame pregnancy hormones most of the time--I'm desperate to feel normal again after being pregnant 10 of the last 11.5 months (and still have 4ish to go). Being angry at God for taking 2 babies and terrified he'll take this one, too, has left me a mess the last 5 months. So if it helps you to know that you're not the only one feeling this way--that all your relationships are crumbling, then, well, you're obviously not! It's good to hear you and Jesse have some of it worked out--praying that God will help with the rest and you'll find that it's falling into place like you never imagined it would--because isn't that how He seems to do it--so that the only thing explanation we can give is Him.

  24. We are overcomers through the blood of the lamb, and by the word of our testimony! (paraphrased).. Rev 12:11

  25. so behind in reading and am seeing this now - love. Love and love. That is all.

  26. I just stumbled across your blog (from your scarf tutorial) and this post just totally drew me in. I have no advice to give, all I can say is I feel like I am in the exact same place right now in my life with my marriage, my two young girls, my walk with God, just everything.

    You are not alone.