you guys are unreal. i am buckling under how humbled i am by your words, comments, emails, texts and PRAYERS. but the cool thing about being humbled by love is that it actually takes weight OFF of shoulders rather than burdening them; so i guess i am not buckling under, but being buoyed upward.
i went back and read tuesday's post and cringed at how badly that COULD have been taken. instead of my normal editing and proofreading, i just shot the vomit straight out of my fingertips without looking back. i wasnt being careful not to offend, wasn't being sensitive to anyone but myself. it was yucky and selfish and it is exactly where i was.
it could have come across that i was calling my wonderful friends greedy leeches who never invest in me. that i was accusing anyone who emails me of siphoning my plasma to sell to blood banks just so they can buy pool noodles to flog me with. that i was taking for granted my healthy, perfect, beloved children and husband.
of course, that wasn't where i was coming from, but if you've been around blog-land (and sadly, especially jesus-y mommy blog land), you know there are people out there who habitually misinterpret motives and intentions and feel hurt or angered or offended by them. there even seem to be those who not only misinterpret, but just don't care to look for your good/real motives, and seem to actively look for and project negative motives onto honest, raw posts like these.
so after realizing how my words could have been taken, i was then immediately overwhelmed with how they were taken. those of you who have reached out to me all really heard my heart, despite the fact that it would have been very easy not to.
thank you. thanks for not condemning me when my crappy outlook might have given you reason to. thank you for your prayers...they were felt. including a freakish "coincidence" that involved me falling, crying, into jesse's arms at a local mcdonalds and ended with a great reconciliation (we are still both so run down, but at least we are on the same team again...what a difference a teammate makes).
you were so very encouraging. you gave me insight i couldnt find in my dark dungeon hole, perspective i couldnt see with the monster of despair up in my grill, camaraderie in this battle that i was sure i was all alone in. you gave me ideas (a list! love it),virtual hugs, and grace...such grace.
thank you for being the body of christ. for being him to me. i'm just sure of the fact that he was using yall to, like the song says, throw me a line, come break the quiet, and surround me with the rush of angels wings (which is a touch christianese for my normal taste in lyrics, but is hitting the spot here).
thank you for shining your light so i could see him.
turns out that even though i am almost always too busy to go anywhere but work and home these days, i still actually am living in a type of community with friends. on the internet! yes, that sounds about 49 frizskillion times lamer than it actually feels in my heart, and no, i will not play world of warcraft with you.
thank you for letting me be transparent and honest and raw even when it doesn't look good or isnt pin-worthy. thank you for welcoming that. i dont do guile, and aside from that, i dont even have the self-editing genes that it takes to be the kind of blogger who only pops in to share the good and pretty (though i LOVE those blogs lots and 100% see why they would want it that way).
though i will always be honest and authentic on here, sometimes i don't even have the self-awareness to have sorted through everything myself and to even know if what i am sharing is really the issue. people are complex. knowing and relating to anyone is tough, but i am learning that the same is equally, if not more so, true about knowing ourselves. thanks for letting me dump the dirty laundry in this space while jesus and i sort and wash it.
i feel better. not great and not cured, but so much more hopeful. nothing is worse than feeling like you are in a bad place and won't ever get out. thank you so much for helping me see that even though i may be in a tough patch right now, it's not forever, and we're not alone.
yall are rad-faces. i wish i could give you all a big hug. instead, please accept a kiss: