txt luv

you guys. my mom is funny. for the longest time, she wouldn't text. then she got a crackberry and is now addicted. the thing is, despite her master's degree, high intelligence, and ability to spell quite well in real life, she texts with the abbreviated shorthand and grammar of a 12 year old girl. and not a 12 year old in the honors program. it sometimes takes me considerable effort to decode some of her messages (i.e. she sent one saying "pos to tell you," which meant, "i was supposed to tell you").

i was ROLLING laughing last night in bed when i got her most recent message. judah and layla are spending one night this weekend with my parents. she was writing me to say that the family dog, Guinness, a 13 year old black and tan miniature dachshund that we've had since i was in 11th grade (she introduced me to him while i was working at Chick-fil-a: by bringing him as a surprise through my drive thru while i was working the window. i thought, "dear lord, a rat!") was really excited to see judah again.

i have never really loved guinness the way i loved vincey, our first dachshund. she was our first dog whom we got when i was in 4th grade and lived until i was 23. but guinness is super clingy and needy and annoying. my mom LOVES guinness with the burning passion of a double tatooine sky. much to my horror, she sometimes calls him "black lovah," especially when jesse and i are impugning his honor. she'll get all riled up, "dont talk about him that way! he's sooooooo sweet. he's my black lovah!" thanks but no thanks.

my mom will probably commission a painting like this when/if guinness ever departs this earth.

boy dogs gross me out with their red rocket lipstick boner action, and guinness is no exception. he will find the most defenseless thing in the room and go have his way with it. for a long time, this was a teddy bear that jesse had given me. i was horrified to see guinness's baser (and removed...via neutering!) natures coming out on sweet bear face whenever i left the two of them unattended. but at least they were both animals.

and then judah came along. look! something even more sweet and adorable and defenseless than a teddy bear. now that judah can fight back it's kind of funny. a 2 year old beats an 11 pound wiener dog every time, and my parents have trained judah to push or kick guinness away and say "no!" but guinness bides his time and waits for opportune moments when judah isn't going 349 miles per hour. then he pounces.

so here is an (unedited) excerpt of the text wherein my mom described how excited that dog is to see judah man:

Guinness is S0 excited!!! when I tell him judah is comin n we r gonna run run run ar the house...he does a dancin dancin dance...cutiest thg.last month judah said"just 10 more laps ." imagine it.Me runnin;judah chasin,guiness chasin judah...he falls down...guinness humpin...I am spankinG....precious

some of my favorite highlights:

-"guinness is S0 excited" (with a zero instead of an O)
-"he does a dancin dancin dance"
-"imagine it" oh , but i do, mom. you've painted the perfect picture. (also, how did she manage to un-dot the "i" in "imagine?")
-"guinness humpin...i am spankinG"
-"...precious" well, that's an interesting choice of adjective to describe this vignette.

the funny thing is, judah LOVES guinness too. his overwhelming adoration of my parents has led him to it. "i wahn go see gamma an pop-pop and gin-nis!" the 4 of them have a blast together. i'm just glad layla can crawl, cruise and (sort of) walk to escape this stubby little cassanova.

this isnt the real guinness, but it looks IDENTICAL to him (i dont take pictures of dogs). and it's perfect because he is lying in wait for judah or bearface or your leg to come along so he can feel a little taller than 6 inches high and forget for a moment that his furry little change purse is utterly empty.


  1. I literally laughed through this whole post. Your mother is quite successful at painting scenes out via text!

  2. Ewwwwwwwww. I've long felt the same way about boy dogs. That's really the only sentiment I can take away from this post.

  3. I was looking forward to a post about the hilarity of boobs, but this wasn't a disappointment. Soooo funny!! :)