eating a sandwich, dressing and looking like a high-schooler, no biggie.
judah, i love you so much. from the way you pronounce ,"the moon" as, "da miuhn" to the way you monkey growl, "HUH?!?!" at us when we tell you something you dont want to hear.
you love me too. the other night after your bath, i was going insane trying to swat a fly and you just sat on the counter and cackled your little face off nonstop as a took swing after swing. you wave your little hand when you head off some where and say, "come, come, mommy, come, come on." or if i get too far ahead of you somewhere and you think i am leaving you say so pitifully, "wait, mommy, wait." you seem to be a shy guy around new folks but i love it 100% because it makes you so snuggly as you try to hide and burrow into my lap to be unseen.
you are the best big brother. you run and find a paci for layla when she starts fussing without anyone telling you to. when you see her after it's a been a few hours you say, "hey coodie-pah!" which you got from your daddy calling her "cutie pie" all the time. you are working on sharing and right now mostly just snatch whatever you want away from her, but you always give her a replacement consolation toy. she seems find with this right now too since toys are just all teethers for her (the world is a teether for her).
i look at you and it's like my eyeballs need more surface area to take you in. you are laughter and life and joy and beauty and love. you are the perfect little sprite that i am lucky enough to be the mom of. my heart feels like it's going to go up in flames sometimes when i think of what you mean to me.
yesterday at your grandparents' house you ran away from your dad when he was calling you, trying to keep you safe. you ran directly into a fire ant pile. you got bit over 60 times. you seem to be more allergic to those nasty fellas than some folks, because you are pretty swollen and miserable. i took some pictures to send to the doctor just in case...they are pretty horrifying to my mommy heart.
you've had bites and scrapes before (hello? you are a 2 year old boy who loves outside) but something about this is really tripping me up. it's like this was the first time something out there in the world maliciously set out to hurt you and it just has me swallowed whole knowing that couldn't stop it. and moreso that there are more of these coming: stings and hurts to your heart. that it's a really yucky, fallen world out there and things happen that seem so pointless and evil and unfair, and even mommies can't stop them.
i am not trying to get worked up here. but i am trying to remember that the problem of sin is bigger than i like to acknowledge in our fairly awesome, cushy, middle-class, whitebread, healthy life. this is where i usually stop and get stuck and go crazy for awhile: just thinking of all the horrible things that are out there and could happen and even just thinking about the "normal" wounds we all get from growing up and being hurt by others. you are fairly intact right now, pure and innocent and untouched by the darkness that is in the world and man's heart (even your own heart..that's a whole 'nother ballgame that mommy deals with too) and what i wouldnt give to keep it that way forever.
but just when i am on the edge of locking you in the panic room and never letting the world touch you, my tsunami of worry and fear and hopelessness crashes up against the unshakable shore of my mustard seed faith. even your mom's tiny, crappy, schizo, flaky trust in jesus is enough to kick the ass of all that yuck that the devil wants to use to make me swallow his lies. lies that you aren't taken care of in a much deeper, abiding and everlasting way than avoiding bug bites, broken hearts or even the worst of man. that has to be enough, right?
it's so easy to say, "you're not ours, youre jesus' and we just get you for a little while," but trusting in that, resting in that, LIVING in that is a whole different story. you sure feel like mine; you sure throw a fit like you're mine, you sure get down on some waffle fries like you're mine. you sure ripped the junk out of my lady parts as you came in to this world. that makes you utterly mine, right? well, yeah...but really no still.
i know you're the one itchy and swollen, but it feels like i got a big dose of venom too. it's making my heart quail a little bit under my love for you and the fear of what it means to really allow jesus to be your protector. i am jesus' child too, and my really "letting" you be his is a way that he takes care of me. but it's so hard, and sometimes it feels easier to just ignore what he is telling me and try to do it all myself, for myself and for you. that would be stupid though, right? cause he's kind of infinitely awesome and certainly knows better where our hearts are concerned.
you learned a lesson the hard way last night. you didn't trust that what your daddy wanted for you was better for you than what you wanted. you got hurt because of it. i'm really trying to learn that same lesson myself.
jesus: "trust me"
me: *monkey growling* "HUH!?!?"