(all) that. just. happened.

okay. so christmas and new year's, huh guys?

the first phase of our break was entitled "parties" that was followed by "sickness" and the final act has been "cabin fever."

here's a rundown of the past fortnight in the duchy (as in, territory ruled by dukes...blammo first comedic home run of 2013).

went to a NICE dinner out for my office party. so much food a spirits. one time i was a leetle bored with the conversation and jesse had gone to the car to get something and i started pretended i was texting the babysitting when in fact i was taking some hot selfies with my cocktail like an airhead. 

it got super cold and judah was forced to wear pants. he chose to wear less of them that we had hoped.

3 days before christmas just woke us up with the splish splash down the hall of THE STOMACH BUG. jesse got baptized taking him back to his room and then i got baptized 3 hours later at the doctor's office. luckily we had RX anti-puke meds and the dr. said it wasnt contagious (no fever) and should be gone in 24 hours)

on the way home, still smelling of blue gatorade and flecked with chocolate speckles (really jesse? you give the sick kid candy?) i started to feel that awful stomach sloopy flutter that precedes nausea. and just like that 2 hours later i was down for the count. followed soon after by jesse.

layla, impervious to the bug, ran utterly amok this day. we were powerless to stop her. 

that night after my 9th barf of the day i had dozed off. i woke up and was weirdly out of breath. i went to get some water and then started a bath for myself. i kept noticing that i couldnt seem to catch my breath. as i sat down in the tub it got intense. i felt like i was suffocating. like i couldnt get enough air in my lungs. i started thinking i was allergic to something and asphyxiating. it was like i had just been on a super hard run but was getting worse instead of better.

i screamed for jesse to call 911, thinking i would pass out at any moment and drown in my tub. he came in, verified what i was saying (screaming/panting) and ran to call. while he was gone things got worse. i kept telling myself to slow down and be calm but all i could think was that i was suffocating. 

then i barfed. then i was fine.

911 sent people anyway (its free) and feeling a little stupid, "sorry guys, i know i am perfectly normal now, but SWEARSIES! i was gonna die 10 minutes ago" i described what had happened. 

turns out i had had a panic attack. despite being high-strung, type-A all my life AND already on antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds, i had never had one of these in my entire life. and it was extra weird because i wasnt stressed (i was asleep!) at the time. 

it was so much scarier than childbirth yall, because A: i didnt understand why the pain was happening, and B: rather than getting a baby at the end i just got a tub full of puke.

the next day was sunday and poor jesse had to lead worship at church. i couldnt move and felt like i had been hit by a train the next morning so some of our friends and family looked after the kids (judah was all better layla impervious). this SAVED my life. i slept until 2 pm and besides a little weakness from no food, was good to go.

so yes, panic attacks: AWFUL. such a new appreciation for people who deal with these monsters.

christmas eve service at church. pretending this is what our family looks like all the time

this is really what it looks like: blurry kids and adults beckoning

this little elf was not a happy christmas eve shopper. she wanted a cruddy old bakery cookie instead of the delicious fresh santa cookies that we were to make at home.


i just happened to have my camera out when this amazing scene took place before the nativity. we are working with layla on sharing. (follow the numbers).

i feel like this wont work on layla next year. 

presents wrapped, stockings hung, watching the bumpuses ransack the turkey. and of course, the hallway barricaded because at 3 1/2 judah totally gets christmas.

sadly, jesse parents caught the AWFUL bug in the line of being awesome grandparents and helping us out so we couldnt go over there for christmas day. so our little family stayed in ALLLLLLLL day long (this would become a theme with school on vacation). 

we were getting desperate for activities on christmas evening (it was raining and cold all day) so we had a hot chocolate tea party bath tub (like you do).

after the kids went to bed we desperately called a sitter to come literally sit at our house while we escaped to see "Les Mis." it was AWESOME. i saw the play as a kid and the old version of the movie and wasnt a ga-ga fan, but might be becoming one. i immediately bought the book and am 800 pages in. seeing play then movie then book is fun because i just keep getting more and more of these characters rather than less and less. (ps was anyone else utterly distracted by eponine's CGI waist!?!?!?! she's a warlock)

snuggled up with two of his gifts on christmas night: thats kind of magical. one is his pirate spyglass and the other is his dreamlight. despite being pretty vigilant about watching commercials (we always fast forward) somehow judah had seen an infomercial for dreamlights a few months ago. 

it was insane. i guess because it was his first commercial ever, it imprinted on him like whoa. he remembered that junk and would not stop talking about it. the good news is, he really does love it and it is fairly cool. but now layla is obsessed and sneaks in his room to steal it, yelling as she makes her escape, "muh deem lai! muh deem lai!" naturally, they are enamored of a stuffed animal (yuck) with a plastic laser show coming out of its back.

this little thing got braids for the first time ever!

and followed that up with a lovely duckface photo.

one of our longtime friends was home for christmas and found this gem of jesse in some old photos. look at slickback lamar!!

a lady at target heard me talking to judah and asked me if i was a montessori teacher. highlight of my parenting life! i love hippie methods and crunchy parenting so hard but am so naturally bad at it. so to have someone who knows something (her kids had gone to montessori school) recognize some of their kid-empowering methods of communication felt really good.

this was cancelled out minutes later when we had to drag a melting-down layla out of the store. alas.

judah is really into "working on plans" these days. he found a nice spot to do so. this was the most exciting thing that occurred on new years eve. when you have kids that are waking up at 7 no matter what, new years looses its appeal. i was reading in bed when the ball dropped (not a euphemism, much to jesse's dismay). jesse barely remember to grab a kiss as he turned on the TV with 50 seconds to go. 

 the adorable start of ANOTHER day at home, inside with the kids. 

i'm serious, you stay at home moms, you are amazing and it must be a calling. we are losing our minds not being able to take the kids to school for stimulation and scenery and not being able to go to work. i went like 9 straight days with no makeup on. that was were the fun ended.  it didnt really feel like much of a vacation a lot of the time. but in between the chaos and cabin fever, it felt like magic. so i'll take it.

glad to have made it through 2012 unpregnant and happy! glad that christmas break isnt for another 11 months. glad that this crazy, frazzled, magical, redeemed life is mine.


  1. We had that awful stomach bug at our house, too! My sister and I both suffered with it all Christmas Eve night :(

    Glad the Dukes are feeling well now!

  2. Christmas break is OVERRATED. We're at the dissolving-into-tears-over-laughably-minor-issues part of break. And I want to know what you were saying to Juday in Target. Our kids are in Montessori, so naturally I want to emulate you and sound like I know what the hell I'm doing.

    Glad you're puke and panic free!

    1. i think it was a classic, "was that a good decision or a bad decision?" we say that one a lot. the answer: BAD DECISION. always.

  3. Going to google Eponine CGI waist right now. Because, i was thinking-- scary, she is actually shaped like a real barbie doll, instead of realizing, duh-- movie magic.

    1. hahahaha no i was just kidding! i'm sure thats her real waist! but yes, kill me now.

  4. I'm really sorry about the panic attack. I had my first when I was 10 :-( very scary. And how bizarre that it happened in your sleep?!?! I've woken up with an asthma attack in my sleep, but not panic. I'm sorry.

  5. I think I just commented with my work email... oops!