my not so sweet 16

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i'd rather not talk about it because i'd rather it not be true. but since it IS true, i'm gonna talk about it.

when i went for my insurance physical i asked my doctor how much weight i had gained. i have never really cared about numbers, but i knew i had gained just because of how my clothes were(n't) fitting lately.

she looks at my chart and gets this squinty-pained look on her face and goes, "are you sure you really want to know?" 

and i'm like, WTF!?!?! youre my doctor! if youre playing the "ignorance is bliss, maybe you DONT want to know" card on me, it must really be brutal.

and it was. since the last time i had been there (6 months prior) i had gained 16 pounds.

um yeah. that is embarrassing as all to even type. because there's no baby, no injury, no sickness, no depression to explain it away. its just a big old ugly number (although it is a perfect square, i'll give it that) that sits there unflinchingly berating me.*

remember last spring when i first started caring about how i presented myself? even back then, i was struggling with a healthy body image (and this is pre-16). when i started being more intentional about my clothes and hair and makeup, i decided to let go of hating the parts of me that i found imperfect.

awesome, right? yeah it so was. 

but in typical keight all-or-nothing fashion, this quickly went from "i love me just how i am and wont be anorexic!!" to, "i deserve a lapful of PB m&m's, popcorn and milk after dinner NIGHTLY because i love me, yall!" and now here we are.*

so i joined the hive mind of resolutions and started weight watchers on new years. i had done weight watchers after giving birth to judah and within 3 months i was back to pre-pregnancy and feelin' fine. i wont lie, jennifer hudson is an awesome choice for spokesperson and her commercials really did motivate me.

even still, i did NOT want to talk about it. i think in the first month i maybe told 2 people total. i HATE giving off the impression that i need a fad diet or professional help in solving the non-mystery of weight. i hate that in my head i am still an uber-athlete but i'm signing up for a weight management program. that doesnt jibe with the stud i feel like i should be. 

you know how far feeling like a stud but acting like a slob will get you? about 16 lbs far. 

so i decided to live in reality, even though it hasnt been fun. better than deluding myself and still feeling miserable.

but i still planned to never ever blog about this thing. because of shame. because of, ugh, arent ladies on the internet supposed to have their mess together? to keep it tight no problem?

i made it almost 60 days of keeping a secret like this from the internet. thats a record for me. and it helps that i have had some success already so i can distance myself from that "before" chick so that it doesnt sting as bad (though after v1.0 is still bigger than i am in my head).

it's not been super fun. when youre losing weight youre supposed to feel hungry. this was not an easy lesson for me to learn. hunger is not an impulse i have a lot of practice suppressing or denying and millions of years of evolution have bred me to have a panic response to hunger and to stuff my face in times of plenty. thanks a NOT, darwin. 

but i am really committed to this. we are absolutely not having (or at least TRYING to have...jesus is captain) another baby until i can honestly say i am happy with my weight, fitness and overall image. that's a tall order right now, but i know that assuming you'll deal with it afterwards never works out as planned.

and i realized that a lot of the heart-yuckiness i talked about here was coming up as a response to how i felt about my own body. that i was becoming bitter when i saw my fit or hot-looking friends or even just a random pinterest lady looking good.  16 lbs is one thing, but when my weight starts interfering with how i show the love of jesus (even in my own silent thoughts) then its time to do some soul searching and probably make some changes.

so that is where i am now. i have a whole set of BEFORE pics in various outfits (mega password protected for the skimpier ones) and am working daily of crafting my new afters.

 let's be clear: skinny isnt the answer. living fully with what jesus has given me is. all the resolutions and works in the world dont matter if there isnt a heart change sustaining them (thats bible AND biggest loser, so you can believe it!). i already talked about the heart change i'm experiencing and 1/1 felt like the right time to start the outward work too.

i'll try to keep yall updated on how this process is going. these pics were taken at -9 lbs at the beginning of february. my realistic goal is -25 and then my super goal is -40. dang those look like insanely huge numbers when i write them on the internet.

 if i look happier in the BEFORE pics, it probably because i just ate a whole pizza.

yikes. putting this out there is terrifying. truth.

finding the balance between healthy self-love and constant self-indulgence is extremely difficult for me. anyone been here before? (not necessarily a weight-specific issue!) verses, wisdom, experience to share?

*also, i have a theory that when i turned 30 on october 2, my metabolism downshifted by 20% and now i am fighting an even tougher battle.