2.26.2013

my not so sweet 16

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i'd rather not talk about it because i'd rather it not be true. but since it IS true, i'm gonna talk about it.

when i went for my insurance physical i asked my doctor how much weight i had gained. i have never really cared about numbers, but i knew i had gained just because of how my clothes were(n't) fitting lately.

she looks at my chart and gets this squinty-pained look on her face and goes, "are you sure you really want to know?" 

and i'm like, WTF!?!?! youre my doctor! if youre playing the "ignorance is bliss, maybe you DONT want to know" card on me, it must really be brutal.

and it was. since the last time i had been there (6 months prior) i had gained 16 pounds.

um yeah. that is embarrassing as all to even type. because there's no baby, no injury, no sickness, no depression to explain it away. its just a big old ugly number (although it is a perfect square, i'll give it that) that sits there unflinchingly berating me.*

remember last spring when i first started caring about how i presented myself? even back then, i was struggling with a healthy body image (and this is pre-16). when i started being more intentional about my clothes and hair and makeup, i decided to let go of hating the parts of me that i found imperfect.

awesome, right? yeah it so was. 

but in typical keight all-or-nothing fashion, this quickly went from "i love me just how i am and wont be anorexic!!" to, "i deserve a lapful of PB m&m's, popcorn and milk after dinner NIGHTLY because i love me, yall!" and now here we are.*

so i joined the hive mind of resolutions and started weight watchers on new years. i had done weight watchers after giving birth to judah and within 3 months i was back to pre-pregnancy and feelin' fine. i wont lie, jennifer hudson is an awesome choice for spokesperson and her commercials really did motivate me.

even still, i did NOT want to talk about it. i think in the first month i maybe told 2 people total. i HATE giving off the impression that i need a fad diet or professional help in solving the non-mystery of weight. i hate that in my head i am still an uber-athlete but i'm signing up for a weight management program. that doesnt jibe with the stud i feel like i should be. 

you know how far feeling like a stud but acting like a slob will get you? about 16 lbs far. 

so i decided to live in reality, even though it hasnt been fun. better than deluding myself and still feeling miserable.

but i still planned to never ever blog about this thing. because of shame. because of, ugh, arent ladies on the internet supposed to have their mess together? to keep it tight no problem?

i made it almost 60 days of keeping a secret like this from the internet. thats a record for me. and it helps that i have had some success already so i can distance myself from that "before" chick so that it doesnt sting as bad (though after v1.0 is still bigger than i am in my head).

it's not been super fun. when youre losing weight youre supposed to feel hungry. this was not an easy lesson for me to learn. hunger is not an impulse i have a lot of practice suppressing or denying and millions of years of evolution have bred me to have a panic response to hunger and to stuff my face in times of plenty. thanks a NOT, darwin. 

but i am really committed to this. we are absolutely not having (or at least TRYING to have...jesus is captain) another baby until i can honestly say i am happy with my weight, fitness and overall image. that's a tall order right now, but i know that assuming you'll deal with it afterwards never works out as planned.

and i realized that a lot of the heart-yuckiness i talked about here was coming up as a response to how i felt about my own body. that i was becoming bitter when i saw my fit or hot-looking friends or even just a random pinterest lady looking good.  16 lbs is one thing, but when my weight starts interfering with how i show the love of jesus (even in my own silent thoughts) then its time to do some soul searching and probably make some changes.

so that is where i am now. i have a whole set of BEFORE pics in various outfits (mega password protected for the skimpier ones) and am working daily of crafting my new afters.

 let's be clear: skinny isnt the answer. living fully with what jesus has given me is. all the resolutions and works in the world dont matter if there isnt a heart change sustaining them (thats bible AND biggest loser, so you can believe it!). i already talked about the heart change i'm experiencing and 1/1 felt like the right time to start the outward work too.

i'll try to keep yall updated on how this process is going. these pics were taken at -9 lbs at the beginning of february. my realistic goal is -25 and then my super goal is -40. dang those look like insanely huge numbers when i write them on the internet.

 if i look happier in the BEFORE pics, it probably because i just ate a whole pizza.

yikes. putting this out there is terrifying. truth.

finding the balance between healthy self-love and constant self-indulgence is extremely difficult for me. anyone been here before? (not necessarily a weight-specific issue!) verses, wisdom, experience to share?




*also, i have a theory that when i turned 30 on october 2, my metabolism downshifted by 20% and now i am fighting an even tougher battle.

48 comments:

  1. So I have been looking to delve into the weight watchers program. What kind of work out schedule do you do? I hate working out, but I know I need to.

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    1. i dont have any work out schedule right now beyond just talking long walks with the kids and going for the occasional run. no part of WW makes you work out, but if/when you do, you earn extra points to eat more!

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    2. Thank you! You've given me a motivation! I know that I've been dealing with the same issues of body image and Jesus.

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  2. Thank you for putting this out there, Keight. Seriously, I'm struggling with the.exact.same.thing. It's been a year and a few weeks since I gave birth. Last July I was 4 pounds away from my pre-preg weight. Now I'm back to 10 lbs away from my pre-preg weight. Which, frankly, was about 15 lbs too high to begin with. I am struggling with the same balance - self-love vs. self-sabotage, really. I don't have any wisdom to share, just some sympathy.

    I admire your courage in putting the photos on the internet and applaud your efforts. Keep being a good role model for you Layla, and for the rest of us!

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    1. thank you so much for this encouragement, joie! ugh, that feeling of being worse off than when youre post-partum is awful! we really are in the exact same boat it seems.

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  3. 1. you're gorgeous, + or - those 16.
    2. i'm glad you're not hiding your secrets from those of us who web-stalk you.
    3. hang in there. fight hunger with water (i.e., when you're hungry, drink!).
    4. a stranger in the blogosphere has you in her prayers!

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    1. thank you so much for all 1-4! la croix sparkling water is my go-to treat and i love it. we have a whole fort of 12-packs stocked in the garage.

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  4. You can tell a huge difference already! Good job! I got back on the ww train after gaining 10 lbs in 11 days. Yeah I am not kidding. I love it, it works! Good luck and can't wait to see more of your journey!

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    1. oh man. i so feel you. all aboard!

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  5. Get it, girrl! Way to be gutsy. I swear by TheFirm workouts. I especially love their Firm Express workouts because they work a lot in a small amount of time(20 minutes!). Also, I'm not a gym workout kinda gal...I want someone telling me what exercises to do, how many, and when to do them. Having a video in my house makes me(when I'm not being stupid lazy) less likely to make a valid(ridiculous or legitimate)excuse to skip a workout.

    PS. Still working on my last 10 to get back to pre-Axl...who is pushing 2.5.

    You're a strong and beautiful woman. Keep it up!

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  6. Get it, girrl! Way to be gutsy. I swear by TheFirm workouts. I especially love their Firm Express workouts because they work a lot in a small amount of time(20 minutes!). Also, I'm not a gym workout kinda gal...I want someone telling me what exercises to do, how many, and when to do them. Having a video in my house makes me(when I'm not being stupid lazy) less likely to make a valid(ridiculous or legitimate)excuse to skip a workout.

    PS. Still working on my last 10 to get back to pre-Axl...who is pushing 2.5.

    You're a strong and beautiful woman. Keep it up!

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    1. a to the men on needing someone to tell me exactly what to do. i just want to turn off my mind and obey! my friend is forcing me into jillians 30 day shred starting monday....eeeeek! if i do well with those 20-min ones we will totally check out the firm!

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  7. "Thanks a NOT Darwin." HA! You crack me up.

    I've fought with weight issues my WHOLE life. Seriosly- hard core weight issues- if I only had 16 lbs to loose, I'd be doing a happy dance.

    There's a book called "Made to Crave." It's amazing. It speaks to the heart of a God-lovin' girl. Check it out!

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    1. i have heard of that! does it really address food issues in the jesus context?! cool!

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  8. Just remember that our bodies handle stuff differently as we age, so yes, you can do what you've always done and still not have the same results that you used to have. I'm reading an excellent book that explains the way your body processes food, and the bottom line for these gals, who have tried EVERY fad diet there ever was, is to avoid eating carbs and fats in the same meal (or within three hours of each other). You don't have to deny yourself any of the food groups, but you do have to be careful about eating certain things at the same time. Just starting this life change myself, so I appreciate your sharing, as well. I can see a difference in your pictures already! Way to go!

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    1. whoa thats some interesting science! this stuff is fascinating. except the older=fatter thing. thats not too cute.

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  9. Love this: 'skinny isnt the answer. living fully with what jesus has given me is.'

    We all aspire to something better than our current state. God doesn't call us to a static life. And if the reasoning behind one's pursuits is to somehow bringing glory to God, push it.

    You got this, friend.

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    1. neigh to you my equestrian compadre.

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  10. Dude! Awesome job! There's no shame in taking care of yourself. I'm a lifetime member with WW. I still go to a meeting every week. It works for me and motivates me to stay with it.

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    1. oh wow! i couldnt do the meeting nearest me. i went for about 4 minutes when i first started and wanted to die. it was like a nursing home and smelled like my grandma. maybe bc it was at 10 am on a workday. i need to not be the hottest person there...thats not too motivating (though they were all over 60, so its not even saying too much)

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  11. The boldness of a true braavosi! You are doing great! It stinks though, it is so hard to be a woman. Between the societal pressure of how we should look (a 13 year old girl with no boobs), how our metabolism drops every few years, and how our husbands still look like they are 22, while child bearing leaves us with skin elasticity of jabba, boobs that look like tube socks, etc. it is hard! And food is so GOOD and really one of life's pleasures. It is hard not to over analyze every meal we have. So good for you for trying to be balanced about it :)
    Also, kudos for the honesty thing! Girls gone child just had a great post about keeping a nanny. Sometimes seeing the hand-selected, lovingly crafted world and words of mommy bloggers can leave the rest of us feeling like lazy losers who can't sew, have poorly executed DIY projects, an egregious lack of wit and who read awful YA instead of non-fiction :-) it might mean you are exposing your self confidence to an onslaught of insecurities and possible Internet trolls, but we really appreciate seeing the real struggles behind the scenes!
    Thanks and love you!

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    1. jabba's elasticity. thank you for that. i love you and our matching cardis. and your YA

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  12. This is a great, inspiring post. It is obvious that you have a whole host of people supporting you, but even more than that, you are inspiring other people (myself included) to take those first steps to a healthier body. I would love to blame baby weight (my baby is only 20 months old, after all), but since he's adopted, I don't think I can call it "baby weight." So I'd better just stop with the PB M&Ms (yes, I love them, too!) and start with the calorie counting.

    Thanks for giving me a push!

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    1. hooray! let do this shizz together. and i dont care if he is adopted, that still totally counts as baby weight! hello, the stress of a new child? no matter what route he took to get to you. :)

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  13. Thanks for sharing this! Very inspiring! I'm working on weight loss too - my weight has never been a huge struggle for me, but when I hit my late 20s, it was like my metabolism stopped working. That, and I had slowly worked myself up to enormous portion sizes (whole pizza - been there). I'm using an app on my phone called "LoseIt!" which I've found really helpful. It's based strictly on calorie tracking.

    Your before and after pictures already rock! Way to go! I love what you said about finding the balance between self-love and self-indulgence. That's definitely a struggle for me too (and not just with food - also with money, time, etc.) I'll be checking back to see if any of your commenters have some rockin' advice or wisdom on the topic.

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    1. jesse has used loseit before...thats a great app! if i can get to my goal with WW i might transition over there to be able to maintain at no cost.

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  14. Wooo, go Keight! Thanks for sharing.

    "even still, i did NOT want to talk about it."--me either. Only 3 people know that I am doing it. And I was forced to tell 2 of them (my mom & sister) when I had to spend the whole weekend with them. Why am I ashamed?

    "i hate that in my head i am still an uber-athlete but i'm signing up for a weight management program. that doesnt jibe with the stud i feel like i should be. you know how far feeling like a stud but acting like a slob will get you? about 16 lbs far."--BOOM, exactly! You took my words.

    "i have a whole set of BEFORE pics in various outfits (mega password protected for the skimpier ones)"--I only took skimpy ones, dang it! Should've thought that one out.

    I started WW February 1st. I'm doing it online. I have 30 pounds to lose. After age 25, I have no idea what happened to my body?! I was stuck on a roller coaster of weight gain and I could NOT get off that thing. The lap bar was stuck! It was probably a mixture of getting older and not being able to control myself at the drive-thru window. A friend of mine lost 70+ pounds on WW last year, so I had seen what it could do first-hand. I'm actually enjoying it, minus the getting used to points so that I don't have to spend 30 hours in the grocery store each week. I don't feel like I'm on a diet. I had a chili hot dog for lunch! You're right, it's totally not about being skinny. It's about being the best me. Aand not having to buy new pants again. Good luck! Keep us posted. You look fabulous, girl!

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    1. hahaha yes the lap bar IS stuck! and its too tight on me!!! loud and proud (ish) on the WW bandwagon!

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  15. You're awesome and brave and cool to share this, friend. Because it's the truth and it's something that we ALL deal with. (also? turning 30 makes things go WRONG!!!) I'm up 7 pounds since October and right in that happy little self-loathing/nothing fits right place that makes me feel guilty for even caring. I shouldn't. But I should.

    For the record: you're doing great! Congrats on the numbers and for seeking Jesus above numbers or inches.

    Love your face (and your heart)

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  16. yay for you keight!!! i don't know you "IRL" but i love your blog and your awesome personality. i recently lost 80 lbs in the past 19 months (after having my 2nd son). i did it the "old fashioned way", an hour of working out every day plus majorly changing my diet. it's a wonderful feeling to know you've changed your life for the better. i can run around with my boys now. i can play at the park with them without being winded from just climbing the stairs for the slide. i just wanted to cheer you on. it's still a daily struggle for me not to go back to my bad eating/no exercising habit. but it's worth it knowing i am setting a positive example for my kids! good luck and i can't wait to see the updates!!!

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    1. holy crap! you are a goddess!!!it really is awesome to hear over and over again that it isnt about a certain workout or special foods...its hard work and self control. good for you, dude. its also scary AND simultaneously a relief to hear that its still hard sometimes in the face of certain foods. i keep thinking something is wrong with me because i dont barf at the thought of mcdonalds or drool over wheatgrass yet.

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  17. Girl I have a goal of losing 20 before I turn 30 in may. Slowly getting there but it ain't easy. Keep it up and secretly we can still believe we are amazing athleteA.D.

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    1. best gift to yourself ever. we ARE still amazing. it has to be true.

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  18. Keight you're awesome for sharing. One of my favourite things about your blog is that you're real. Keep up the good work x

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    1. oh i am as real as a cellulite dimple, baby! :) thanks for always being so encouraging, gemma!

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  19. First of all, what a huge difference before and after. Seriously - congratulations!

    "finding the balance between healthy self-love and constant self-indulgence is extremely difficult for me. anyone been here before?"

    This really is the crux of it. I've never been good with will-power, and am always flummoxed when people eat just half a slice of cake. It's actually more enjoyable for me to turn down cake entirely than to eat a little and then have (and lose) a staring contest with the rest. "Only eat when you're hungry" or "just eat healthy and don't worry about it" doesn't really work for me.

    5 years ago, I did manage to lose about 30 pounds (involving the Firm, running, TurboJam, and some hunger), and the journey to keep it off while striking this balance has been... interesting. There have been yo-yos and frustration, but what finally seems to be working, is this: I weigh myself in the morning, and put it in a spreadsheet.

    It's a laissez-faire-invisible-hand letting me know whether it's a "pizza day" or "not a pizza day." Today is not-a-pizza-day (I blame last night's hot chocolate). So I already know I'll be skipping dessert - the scale decided, and will-power isn't really part of it :) It's tolerable because another pizza day is probably just a few days away.

    I wouldn't say I never over-indulge or feel bad about myself, but this system kind of keeps both sides in check in a way I can live with.

    I know weight isn't the best measure of health, it's just an easy one to track. I do think you could sub in any criteria, as long as you can measure it (heart rate, number of steps, etc).

    Anyway, I hope I didn't just monstrously overstep with this. This is such a tricky issue that's difficult to talk about without adding to the body-image problem (making people feel judged or like there's something wrong with them). You really are very brave to blog about it!

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    1. naturally i can count on you to be the perfect genius. as psycho as it sounds, the spreadsheet self-accountability things sounds pretty good. hard to pretend like nothing is changing when you can plot that bitch with a wicked upward trendline.

      and you have just written my VERY realization from yesterday afternoon. i was going to get a kids fry (teensy) at mcdonalds bc i was starving but it literally sounded worse to me than none because i couldnt stuff my face with them in fist-over-fist fashion. WTF is that!?!? "just a taste" is not a part of my genetic makeup.

      if you did overstep, it was just further into my heart! i love the idea of the robot scale being the boss of me.

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    2. Also, I know it sounds like the robot scale is boot camp drill sergeant, but in reality it feels more like the good angel on my shoulder. Like, my mind's telling me no, my body's telling me yes, and angel scale swoops in with the tie-breaker. And she's merciful and sometimes says pizza is OK! :)

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  20. You're amazing. I'm super-struggling now too. Yes, I "just" had a baby (but it's been almost 5 months) and I am tired of my clothes not fitting. And just feeling crappy about myself. And I'm not buying ALL new clothes (maybe just a FEW new stitchfix-y ones). And funny, I have exactly 16 to go before I'm at pre-pregnancy weight. Aaaaand I'd be mega happy with losing like 14 more after that. So a whopping super goal of 30 to go for me. WE CAN DO THIS.

    Thanks for pulling my feelings out and putting them down much more eloquently/funnily than I can. And you're a hott-ay no matter what.

    PS- it sucks at first, but cutting out dairy is so helpful in losing the weight. And the bloat. I feel so much better when I nix the dairy. Pretty soon you won't miss it. Trust!

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    1. you dare ask me to cut out dairy!?!?! how could you, AK47!?!?! amen to 16 to go...but really 30 :)

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  21. Great post! Once again, you've summed up something that I've been struggling with too in a beautiful, honest, thought-provoking way. I've been thinking about starting to exercise and eat healthy again, but I've kind of been using "I'm breast-feeding, so I need the calories" as an excuse. But those calories are going to other parts of my body than the milk, and I'm not so happy with that, so...maybe time to start making healthier choices. Anyway, thanks - you're awesome! Your before and after pictures already look incredible, and thanks for being bold enough to share the pics and your story.

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    1. i was so miffed when breastfeeding didnt make the "pounds fall off" like everyone promised. in fact i dropped 10-15 lbs as soon as a weaned both kids and actually gained a few over the months of nursing. my body is jealous of the calories i give to my mammal young. i love you and your hotness and your baby and your mimosas.

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  22. You're amazing!!!!! I love your honesty, and sometimes (ok, not sometimes...All the time!) I think it's so easy to read what others write/post and start to compare and feel bad about your life because everyone seems to have it together through what they share online. This was actually really inspiring to read and I'm so proud of you for sharing! Keep it up, girl! You've got this! Don't be too hard on yourself. At age 31.5 I really think it's SO MUCH harder to stay healthy (especially because we're young moms who have tons on our plate). Just stay positive and keep trying, and be proud at your efforts! I'm cheering you on from good ole' Illinois:-)

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  23. I understand how you are feeling. I am up right now. My husband and I would like to start trying for a baby this summer but he is requiring that I lose weight before we do for the health of the baby (he is dieting and exercising too). I want this baby so bad but dieting and exercise is so hard. I have the baby motivation but as a true blue procrastinator I;m having trouble putting my feet to the treadmill.
    What do you do to stay inspired daily because I have lost mine....

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  24. Gooo Keight! You are amazing and I know you'll be healthy in no time. I love that your documenting it... I did it with my first big weight loss after Parker and I still love going back to see the before/after pictures! I'm cheering you on... can't wait to see you happier and healthier in a few months!

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  25. So much respect for you for posting this, and I love that you were brave enough to share it all. Congratulations on the first 9! I've had success with WW myself in the past. Right now I'm just selfishly using my Lenten promise to give up all desserts, and wouldn't you know, it's working (praise Jesus?)! I like having a militant "no" answer in my head for the time being, and can't believe how much it helps me abide. Also, can't believe how excited I get to eat something even slightly sugary, like dried fruit or a granola bar. They're my new 'dessert' -- let's hope it lasts past the inevitable Easter gorging... er, feast.

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