7.31.2013

medit8

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well, my big fat mouth stepped in it again. 

a few months back, i thought i was being all sassy and "fight the man!" and bra-burningly awesome when i accosted jesse with a, "hey, how come women never seem to be asked to give the communion meditations at church?"  

i sat back, satisfied with myself for shaking up the food chain and opening my husband's narrow mind. ZING! suck on that, you prejudiced chauvinist! i just blew your MIND!! time to shake up the establishment with my forward-thinking ideas!!

to which jesse replied, "would you like to do it next week?"

to which i replied, " uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG. 

yeah. so, bluff: called. food chain: nonexistent. foot: in mouth. player hoddwinked me good.

i talked the big game and now i had to bring it. so on sunday i gave the communion meditation for the first time ever. jesse was preaching (his amazing sermon is here) so it felt like the right time.

*p.s. a communion meditation is just a fancy scary church-ish term for the 2-or-3-minute little talk given leading into the time of communion. our church does this every week.*

i had rolled around some ideas in my brain about what to say (kind of assuming i would get kicked out for this lovely little piece of heresy before i actually had to deliver...i didnt, because our church values REAL people) but on saturday night jesus grabbed my cortex and took us on a sharp left turn into somewhere unforseen.

i know it was jesus and not me because as i typed it up i wasnt sure how sentences where going to end and when i (he) finally finished and made it to "the point," i found myself crying.

my own writing does not make me cry. so yeah. proof.

since i typed it out, it's pretty much a ready-made blog post for posterity and everyone who wasnt there and might care to read it. all you need to get full picture is to insert a hearty dose of voice-tremble, rushed speech and awkward leg-crossing up on stage and you'll know what it was like to watch me say this stuff live. it was WAY scarier than i had anticipated (and i am not afraid of public speaking at ALL).

it wasnt quite this packed sunday...but here's what it looked like. that glowing jesse man is where i had to stand. OH THE SPOTLIGHTS!

here it is:

when I think about my life versus his on earth,  i have a really hard time relating to jesus.

obviously the part where he is god is the starting point and biggest of our many differences. no one was more shocked than me when, at about age 6 I realized I am NOT the all-knowing center of the universe. right away there’s one less thing to have in common.

but if we set that aside for a second: even in his human ways i have a hard time seeing any of myself in jesus's story. as I go through from his birth on, I cant seem to empathize with much of it or even put myself in his place because it's just so foreign.

i am an american girl living in the year 2013. jesus was a middle-eastern man born in the year 0. in terms of how daily life went and the cultures we were born into, there is almost no intersect.

of course, I cant set aside his divinity for long, so when i add to the differences in our human experiences the fact of jesus being in very nature god and truth and love, it is almost overwhelming how the disconnect between us grows.

jesus never experienced the guilt, pain, shame and brokenness that are consequences of committing sin, whereas sometimes it feels like i am nothing but a bundle of broken pieces; shattered by my innumerable selfish choices and desire to honor myself before others and before god. 

john 2:24 says that though many entrusted themselves to him, jesus didnt entrust himself to any man because he knew our hearts. he was so very fulfilled by and rooted in his identity because of his relationship with the father that he didnt need to go looking for validation or security from the flawed hearts of men.

yet again this is so different from my story: i constantly look to humans to tell me my worth, and entrust my heart to earthly relationships and validation. and because jesus was right about what he saw in the hearts of man, my trust has been misplaced, so i have been wounded and damaged as i have sought my value in man rather than in god.

so here we are: me and jesus, both at 30 years old: he is god come to earth, his heart unblemished by any sin of his own and unwounded by the shortcomings of man. i am a purebred daughter of adam: sin-soaked and damaged from trusting myself and others above my god. 

and if he hadnt BEEN god, this is where the story could have ended: keight over here, jesus over here. 

but he knew the longer that i lived, the farther away from him and his perfection i would stray. and in love, he chose to take off that perfection and put on my sin instead. to give up a heart unbroken and bear my wounds, my shame and my hurts. to spend his agonizing final moments separated from his father.

at the cross jesus became like me. he gave us something to have in common finally: sin and brokenness and separation from the father.

that alone is a pretty amazing story, but we know there’s more. 

three days later he rose and said to me, and you, and all of his children: I’ve defeated the grave. sin and death cant hold me anymore: now YOU can be like ME. 

when i take communion and look at that cross i remember how he was broken, inside and out, for me and like me. i remember the power of his brokenness and blood, and of a king who humbled himself to be like us JUST ONCE so that we could be like him and with him forever. 




5 comments:

  1. beautiful...thanks for sharing.

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  2. I really appreciated reading this. It was kind of one of those right-when-you-need-it type things. I have always appreciated your honesty on this blog, and to know that other people get to be refreshed by your honesty at church makes me happy. I think too often my brain shuts down at either end of the spectrum: sugarcoated "good" churchiness or "we are worms" and will always be crap sinners. The gospel is where it's at, yo, and you took us there perfectly. Thanks.

    PS: Not that you are, but I know that putting yourself out there is freaky, so just a ps to say, don't let the amount of comments, either way, make you feel weird, because it meant a lot to at least one person, me. :)

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  3. I loved reading this, it was lovely. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. Thank you so much for accepting that opportunity (challenge) and for recreating it here, Keight. It was an awesome thing to do. I loved hearing you say it that Sunday, and love even more being able to ponder it here, and marvel at the incredible way God has made you to share His message in your uniqueness. So eloquent in your Keightish sort of way!!!
    Love you!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you so much for accepting that opportunity (challenge) and for recreating it here, Keight. It was an awesome thing to do. I loved hearing you say it that Sunday, and love even more being able to ponder it here, and marvel at the incredible way God has made you to share His message in your uniqueness. So eloquent in your Keightish sort of way!!!
    Love you!!!!!

    ReplyDelete