let's be honest, if 3 siblings and i went into the wardrobe and made it to narnia, i would totally be edmund: the jerky snot who runs off, betrays his friends out of pride and ruins everything.
just like edmund while i was on my self-absorbed fairy-bender, i would run into the white witch. to get me on her side she would do some of her albino house-elf magic and offer me a snack. an enchanted snack consisting of anything my cold, pouty heart could think of.
now, edmund chose turkish delight, which i have to assume is authentic english fare and therefore unfit for human consumption. here's where i am better than him (but still in desperate need of aslan...lestyoulabelmeheretic).
if i was snowbound with a rumbley belly in the land of always-winter-but-never-christmas, i would look right into that witch's face and demand my most favorite of holiday delights.
here's where i change roles. i'm no longer edmund. i come to you today as the white witch (a title that hits on at least 1.5 out of 2 facets), to bestow upon you the gift of: PUMPKIN ORGASMO.
prepare for the afterglow
i first had this dish 6 years ago. a friend brought it to our annual potluck and it stole the show and my heart. i think she called it "pumpkin cobbler," and that was just fine, but it didnt go far enough. so i rebranded this beeyatch with a far more descriptive surname (note: when i take this to church or preschool thanksgiving feasts, i tend to let it just be "cobbler" because of, you know, propriety). but a i assure you, the orgaz cant be silenced.
i secured the recipe from my buddy, adapted it a little bit, and now i make it 3 or 4 times a year to insane fanfare. this is by far the lowest investment / highest reward dish in my arsenal. it really is stupidly delicious and just bananas easy to put together.
it tastes just like october, november and december.
it tastes just like october, november and december.
you can even make most of it ahead of time and refrigerate until youre ready. i mean, an orgasmo never disappoints.
what's that you say? you hate pumpkin? mmmkay. yeah, me too, usually. but when i'm in narnia, everything is different.
i need you to just roll with it. trust me. when people say they wont try my pumpkin orgasmo because they arent pumpkin fans, i have an almost physical panic rise up inside of me. i have to resist the urge to bodily grab them and force them to eat some. focus on the orgasmo, i want to say, not the pumpkin.
so if youre hurting for something to impress your in-laws, to wow an office party, or put a neighbor to culinary shame...this is it. i am giving you the magic. use it only for good.
ingredients (serves 15-20):
3 eggs, beaten
1 (15 oz.) can pure pumpkin (not pie filling)
1 (12 oz.) can evaporated milk
1 cup sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1 ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 tablespoon vanilla extract
1 (18 ½ oz.) package yellow cake mix
1 ¼ cup butter, melted
1 cup chopped nuts*
*walnuts, almonds, or pecans work great--or any combo of them
1. preheat the oven to 350° (unless you want to make it ahead and cook the next day or so)
2. in mixing bowl, combine the first 8 ingredients (eggs through vanilla) and beat until mixed
3. pour mixture into ungreased 13x9 inch baking pan or 2 pie dishes (if you are making ahead stop here and refrigerate until your ready to cook it...just gently restir the mixture when you get it out of the fridge)
you will get to this point and think, "nuh-UH! that ho is a liar. this looks like runny cold mud liquid!" yes, yes it does. but have faith. believe in the magic.
4. sprinkle the cake mix evenly over the top of the liquid mixture (dont push it down or mix it in--let it just sit on top all light and ladylike). use the fork tines to gently rake the cake powder to all the corners and crevices where it needs to go. dont sweat any clumps. its so forgiving, yall.
5. melt the butter until it's all liquid.
yeah, i know. ithis is a tad obscene. a picture is worth a thousand words...or, you know, 412 thousand calories.
6. drizzle the butter evenly all over the cake mix
again, just get the butter generally well-spread all over. dont get fussy about the drier or puddling areas. butter is a friendly fella. very eager to just make itself at home and spread out (like it does in my arteries and on my booty) and it will mingle in the oven.
7. bake at 350°. if you are using a 9x13" dish, set timer for 45-55 minutes, if using two pie dishes, set for 30-35 minutes.
8. prepare your nuts. for this batch i used 1/2 cup walnuts and 1/2 cup almonds. i have used pecans before too and they are awesome but were too expensive lately. one time jesse even added some heath bar crumbles (secretly) to the nut mixture and it was great.
you can use a food processor or blender, but this little hand chopper works great and is easier to clean up for me.
from many...one. unite the clans!! chop until you cant tell the individual nuts apart and they are nice little crust-worthy shards. do the whole bunch of them.
9. when your cooking time is almost done, open the oven and shake the container or rack a bit. if the middle of the mixture is still super liquidy/jiggly, let it cook a few minutes more. you want to leave it in until it is pretty stable.
it might look like the edges are "burnt" but they arent. this brown part is actually delicious and kind of the best part...tastes like a heavenly candy bar. so dont be afraid when it gets brown at the edges at you wait for the center to firm up.
10. top the mixture with nuts
11. pop the dishes back in the 350 oven on the top rack. bake for 10-15 minutes more until the nuts brown up and toasted a little bit.
the house should smell like golden perfection at this point.
get out some seasonal flair and serve that baby up!
i took a bite right out of the gooey middle
guaranteed culinary satisfaction.
you'll have what she's having? i sure hope so.