googly-i's

it occurred to me recently that you probably could start an online dating service based on a new type of compatibility algorithm: recent google searches.

because really, who knows more about your current interests, musings, and weird medical complaints than your stalwart friend, Mr. Google?

with him as matchmaker, i'm betting everyone could find someone as weird and secretly rash-covered as they are! obviously, there would be a strong confidentiality clause built in to our Terms of Service Agreement (wait, "our?!" am i actually starting this site?!) because people often ask google things that they would NEVER ask another human being out loud (i.e. "explain black people's hair." that one from yours truly).

and since i have already found my soulmate and we are obviously compatible in every way (he brings me cheese), i can waive my right to confidentiality and share some of my own recent google searches.

"average transit times for crossing the atlantic throughout history" because i am reading an alexander hamilton biography and i need to know how long the information lag is as far as the colonies receiving news from europe. and because from the vikings to the concorde, holy moly, what a cool undertaking and display of technology=efficiency.

"amazon super saver shipping not working" ugh. as of october 21, you have to spend $35 minimum to get this. BARF! i feel so betrayed.

"how tall is zac brown?" because i am 95% sure i ran into him leaving a doctor's appointment.

"big booty hoes" um this was NOT an image search, but rather a brushing up on lyrics from the classic song so that i could make a pun on my friend's buddha picture on instagram.

"how do you pronounce Exchequer?" because, seriously, english people? what a weird word. 

"what happened to kim kardashian's face?" answer: lots of plastic surgery. yucko.

"james madison university" because their mascot is the dukes, and i mean, i would love to get a nice "dukes" shirt and rock it because of funny.

"how to simulate bangs" a halloween costume related inquiry.

"is eyebrow dandruff a thing?" oh yes it is, and looks like i have it. along with FACE DANDRUFF. dont worry, this IS the most embarrassing thing ever. i always thought i just had persistent dry skin from my eyeballs up in the winter time, but dr. google says that it's Seborrheic dermatitis, or cradle cap....of the face....on a grown up. dont laugh, you probably have it too since it's stupid common. and dont mind me while i'm over here swapping out my face wash for head & shoulders. #shuntheleper

"mean preschool friends" ugh. i dont even want to talk about this one. but it pertains to judah and it is heartbreaking and it totally proves original sin.

"thomas jefferson was an ass" YES HE FREAKING WAS. i am so mad because i spent my first 20 years thinking that he was my favorite president. NOT NOT NOT. turns out he's a racist, backstabbing, sniping, patrician cowardly punk. 

"how do i find a list of my recent google searches?" because i'm too smart for my ownself..

ok, there. i showed you mine. why dont yall ctrl+H and divulge some of your weirdest recent googs. 

EwLOL

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i cleaned out my closet this week and was pleased to find a few pairs of used, but really nice, nike running shorts at the bottom of one of my perma-piles. i decided to give them a wash (and, let's keep it real, a crotch-bleaching for curb appeal and general sanitation), and list them on eBay. i figured any profit would be a suitable reward for tidying up a neglected area of the house AND for gaining all the weight that rendered these shorts too small for me.

i listed them last night after the sanitation process was complete, proud to feature sparkly white inner-linings. 

this morning i awoke to this lovely message from a prospective buyer!

so that's fun! stay classy, universe!

i am torn between thinking this is the funniest thing ever and the creepiest thing ever (i think i've landed on: BOTH). i am also wondering if the bleach was a mistake...did i unknowingly disintegrate many dollars of profit when i rid the linings of all trace organic material?! 

maybe "women's workout clothing" wasnt the right category to list them in at all. but then, i never saw an option for "sweaty grundle essence" to list under to really cash in. where is eBay's suggestion box!?

for such a brief (pun) message, he really goes the distance. i cant decide if my favorite part is the "for me"--as if i would do this little favor for such a close buddy--or the "(uncleaned)" parenthetical that conjures up some levitical connotations. 

i posted the screen grab to my personal facebook page and had some awesome suggestions from friends. from letting jesse put them on and take them for a jog before sending them (with a pic!), to putting some kimchi or dog poop in them and then shipping.

another friend jumped right to the logical* conclusion that i had perhaps nabbed a serial rapist (all in a days work...). 

i particularly liked the one where i tell the guy "sure!" and then have a friend get into a bidding war with him to drive the price up. 

however i am pretty sure that answering in the affirmative in ANY way (for funny OR for profit)  somehow constitutes a form of prostitution (even if it's just in my own head), so i will obviously be ignoring this (and any future weirdo requests...in case yall are feeling panksy).

what would yall do? are you fully creeped out or laughing? why can this guy not get ahold of FREE dirty workout lady gear in his home country (austria)?



*opposite.

weird jollies

let's talk about weird things that make us happy.

when i was in high school, i would sometimes take a little square of aluminum foil to class in my backpack. when i'd get bored, i would take it out, crumple it up into a ball and then spend several enjoyable minutes smoothing it back out to flat perfection (which was ironically my middle school nickname) with my fingernail or other implements. insta-stress relief.

another one that i love is pulling off the protective plastic film that comes on new things: screens, digital clocks, appliances, whatever. bonus points if you never realized you even had a protective factory film on there and then i come along like 3 months later, spot it, and whoosh it off--leaving a pristine surface beneath.

egg shells. whenever i cook eggs, i take the empty broken shells and wrap them up in some paper towels and then crunch the mess out of them. the sound and the tactile sensation of this is SO PLEASING.

i found a new one a few days ago: efficient lint removal.

my most favorite new shirt, an ombre tiered ruffle tank (from my all-grown-up makeover post) was pilling like crazy. it was generating so many pills that pfiezer was getting nervous about their market share (oh, man. i really just said that).

so many ruined tiers...so many salty tears.

at first, i thought it was because i usually wear a long necklace with this top and maybe the links were snagging it. but even after i reaccessorized in the name of blousal longevity (i'm such a martry, i know) the pilling persisted.

in the name of being a grown up and trying to take care of my belongings, i purchased a lint shaver thing from amazon for $7. i had very little faith since i remembered my mom having one of these when i was little and it never worked (though to be fair, i think i was using it to try to shave my stuffed animals).

it arrived and i laid out the patient on the operating floor. the prognosis was grim: it looked like a thrift store cast off, all fuzzy and sad.

i cranked the little fella up and ran it over the surface of my first tier.

i mean it was a jesus-meets-leper kind of transformation. complete restoration and healing!

the process of slowly canvassing the entire shirt surface and leaving behind a snail-trail of perfection was pure ecstasy.

my shirt was brand new and all the evil linty minions were banished!

of course i had to pull them out and see just how many stowaways had been piggybacking around with me on this ONE SHIRT

i went on a one-woman blitzkrieg against all the pills in our house. the satisfaction i felt from this task can only be described as "borderline OCD."

so spill it: what are the weirdest, most random things that de-stress or strangely please you? let not make this something freaky-naughty, people; i am talking about G-rated random as hell things. plushies can just sit this one out, because that's not what we are looking for. (again, thank you 30 rock for that vocab nugget...never thought i would need to use it in a sentence).