it occurred to me recently that you probably could start an online dating service based on a new type of compatibility algorithm: recent google searches.

because really, who knows more about your current interests, musings, and weird medical complaints than your stalwart friend, Mr. Google?

with him as matchmaker, i'm betting everyone could find someone as weird and secretly rash-covered as they are! obviously, there would be a strong confidentiality clause built in to our Terms of Service Agreement (wait, "our?!" am i actually starting this site?!) because people often ask google things that they would NEVER ask another human being out loud (i.e. "explain black people's hair." that one from yours truly).

and since i have already found my soulmate and we are obviously compatible in every way (he brings me cheese), i can waive my right to confidentiality and share some of my own recent google searches.

"average transit times for crossing the atlantic throughout history" because i am reading an alexander hamilton biography and i need to know how long the information lag is as far as the colonies receiving news from europe. and because from the vikings to the concorde, holy moly, what a cool undertaking and display of technology=efficiency.

"amazon super saver shipping not working" ugh. as of october 21, you have to spend $35 minimum to get this. BARF! i feel so betrayed.

"how tall is zac brown?" because i am 95% sure i ran into him leaving a doctor's appointment.

"big booty hoes" um this was NOT an image search, but rather a brushing up on lyrics from the classic song so that i could make a pun on my friend's buddha picture on instagram.

"how do you pronounce Exchequer?" because, seriously, english people? what a weird word. 

"what happened to kim kardashian's face?" answer: lots of plastic surgery. yucko.

"james madison university" because their mascot is the dukes, and i mean, i would love to get a nice "dukes" shirt and rock it because of funny.

"how to simulate bangs" a halloween costume related inquiry.

"is eyebrow dandruff a thing?" oh yes it is, and looks like i have it. along with FACE DANDRUFF. dont worry, this IS the most embarrassing thing ever. i always thought i just had persistent dry skin from my eyeballs up in the winter time, but dr. google says that it's Seborrheic dermatitis, or cradle cap....of the face....on a grown up. dont laugh, you probably have it too since it's stupid common. and dont mind me while i'm over here swapping out my face wash for head & shoulders. #shuntheleper

"mean preschool friends" ugh. i dont even want to talk about this one. but it pertains to judah and it is heartbreaking and it totally proves original sin.

"thomas jefferson was an ass" YES HE FREAKING WAS. i am so mad because i spent my first 20 years thinking that he was my favorite president. NOT NOT NOT. turns out he's a racist, backstabbing, sniping, patrician cowardly punk. 

"how do i find a list of my recent google searches?" because i'm too smart for my ownself..

ok, there. i showed you mine. why dont yall ctrl+H and divulge some of your weirdest recent googs. 


  1. Jefferson founded West Point :-( that is terrible.

  2. ok i should say that we WAS a genius and obviously founding west point was a great thing. HOWEVER martially speaking, he never served in battle. and after ignoring washingtons urgent warnings to prepare the city's defense beforehand, when british forces invaded richmond during his governorship of viginia during the revolution, he straight up abandoned richmond. he's a bummer.

  3. I'm super glad someone else is upset with amazon and their shipping change! right before christmas, too. what a bunch of greedy mcgreedersons.

  4. Keight founded this blog. And though the blog is a great thing, it in no way means Keight is a great person. Of course, we all know that she IS, in fact, a great lady...but the reasoning is the same. In your justification of Jeffersonian-suckiness, you left out sleeping with and impregnating slaves. He fathered children that he made work as slaves until age 21. Thanks, Dad!

  5. DIY Dog Costumes, the period store (awesome website btw), teenage mutant ninja turtles colors and names (custom crochet request), roku won't play netflix (first world problems)

  6. "DIY Dog Costumes", "the period store", "teenage mutant ninja turtles colors/names", "roku won't play netflix". Just your average first world problems over in this google search.

  7. my google searches!

    the worst room- a hilarious and sad blod depicting just how little your money can get you in NYC.
    simple chicken breast recipes
    here comes the night time arcade fire lyrics- looking for this line "But if there's no music up in heaven, then what's it for?"
    Victoria's Secret birthday reward-momma needs some new bras on the cheap(er)
    alex and ani mother mary- the bracelet I am super in love with
    Jetty Unite Rebuild- Jetty is a clothing line based in NJ that has given crazy amounts of help to residents in need. Go jetty!

    oh, and I went to JMU. I've got scads of Dukes tees!