5.13.2014

Goodbye Pacis: 2014 Edition

For some reason we seem to always try to rehabilitate Layla off pacis around her half-birthday, May 14. We did this last year so that we could have a little mini celebration (complete with half of a cake) to amp up the fanfare and gloss over what must seem to a 3 year old to be a horrifying trauma of saying goodbye to her most treasured comfort object. 

I guess it was just sort of "tradition" then that we did it again this year during the same week. "Again?" you say? Yes, again. because after three weeks of cold turkey paci-sobriety last year, we gave Layla back her pacis. We decided she just wasn't ready and that we were doing it mostly because we felt like "we were supposed to." As in, it looks weird for a 2.5 year old to have a paci. 

Deciding to let her keep one of the last vestiges of babydom was one of our best parenting moves yet. We stopped caring how it "looked" so much and started paying attention to what it gave Layla to have the paci in certain situations (car, bed, sick). I cant really explain it beyond saying, we are her parents and we just knew she wasnt ready yet.

But I knew after her first ever visit to the dentist last fall, that we were approaching "need to" realms in terms of going off the paci. You can already see her top teeth warping out from that little plastic imposter of my boob being in there so much. We'd love to avoid spending thousands on metal torture devices for her mouth when she's older, therefore we felt like three and a half was the time. She had also during the past year shown signs of not "needing" it as much as just liking it at times.

We've been talking to her about giving the pacis away for months. We told her that when May came we would get her a wonderful surprise and then one day she could trade her pacis in for that treasure. We also encouraged her little budding big-sisterhood by telling her that the new baby would need them. Every time we talked about the future moment of saying bye-bye pacis, she was totally on board. 

Last night we decided to pull the plug.



You can see what a strung-out little addict she looks like when she's hitting the paci-pipe (and you can see where Judah gave her one strand of bangs with my sewing scissors, and you can HEAR what a freak i am), and how ready she appears to be for this milestone (or at least for the bribe that come along with it).  I also ADORE how she immediately plans what "events" she is going to wear each look to. And how she calls it a "Let It Go" toy (in case you thought she was saying LEGO...no).

And then shortly thereafter this was the scene:


Layla was happy as a clam in an Arrendelle fjord to be in scratchy lace netting and polyester. Judah shocked us all by asking to put on the Anna costume ("it's just silly, mommy, i'm not really a girl") since he has been very anti-"girl things" lately despite our attempts to not force gender lines on either of them. We were happy to oblige and Judanna was a fetching sight (even whilst scratching himself..."dont know if he's elated or jock-itchy, but he's somewhere in that zone").

We let her go to bed as Elsa (Judah was ready to take off his Anna duds rather instantly and ask for a Kristoff costume...which, stupidly, is not a thing) and did their normal bedtime routine, reiterating how proud we were of her for making such a wise choice. Afterward, Jesse went to the store to fetch me some ice cream (pregnancy stereotype anyone?) and I was in the studio sewing next to their room.

About ten minutes after putting them down, I heard soft crying and talking. I had been prepared for a full-on fit of "I DONT WANT THESE DRESSES GIMME BACK MY PACI, YOU CON ARTISTS" but not for this. She wasnt even yelling to be heard by us, she was just softly pouring out her sadness. Oh, my heart.

I went in their room (Judah was thoroughly unconscious by now) and climbed into bed with her. Her little face was soaked with tears and she was just quietly murmuring about "mah pathi." I told her I knew how hard it was to give something you love up, but that I promised it would be okay, and even better, eventually.

I looked around and saw how she had previously gotten up and gathered a few favorite objects in bed with her to use as a substitute (a doll, more of their binky cloth diaper snuggle rags, a pony), and for a moment I even thought about offering her her own thumb or something else to chew/suck on, but then thought better of it, since that would be totally defeating the purpose. She said, "I wanted to give my pacis away so I could be big, but I want them back now." She wasnt whining or being demanding (which made it all the more hard and heartbreaking), just mourning what feels like a huge loss to her little heart. 

I told her how proud i was of her and how it was going to be so much better soon. After I left, we didnt hear another peep from her until this morning (when she was a little weepy again not to get her wake-up dose of paci...but quickly got over it). 

As I thought about what had just happened, it hit me so hard that maybe this whole paci saga was more a lesson for me than for her. Because in an instant I saw how many times God has gently told me it was time to let go of something that i have nursed or held onto for too long--a relationship, a sin pattern, a job, bitterness, a goal, unforgiveness, control--that I simply dont need anymore. 

It seems like every time He has tenderly told me, "it's time to put this aside now, child," I have screamed and cried and raged and doubted and fought to hold on to whatever it was, to control the situation so I could just have everything back the way I wanted. When I  finally do let go, how quickly I  go searching for something else to quickly fill that empty place, and how it never ever works out and just leaves the hole gaping all the bigger. And in the end, how I resignedly end up on my butt, empty-handed and red-eyed, throat raw from bargaining and denying, and I finally just surrender to what He has left me with: Himself and His promise. And how finally--after so much extra, self-inflicted, pain--I am ready to dive in to the promise He has made that this way is better for me: not because it will be happier necessarily, but because it's His way and He knows.

Layla completely schooled me in how beautiful this process can be. She handled it with such trusting grace. She was still sad, and still misses her pacis, but when i said, "I promise; you can do this, and Daddy and I will help you, and there are even better things on the other side of this," she really grabbed onto that and BELIEVED. No screaming, no scheming, just faith like a child that her mommy and daddy's promise was true. She let me wipe her tears and was comforted by my presence and my acknowledgement of the legitimacy of her pain (things I rarely stop to honor Jesus for in my own suffering).

With so much uncertainty and change in our future, I have been getting taken to town on faith and what it means to believe the promise through tears. I am so thankful that Jesus used my precious little Layla to model what that can look like when it's done with unblinking faith.

I'll sum it up by staying on theme with the entire post: That kind of faith doesn't suck.


6 comments:

  1. Keight. You are amazing. Love this post. Thank you for writing it. Must stop the short sentences now.

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  2. Love this post too! Bless your sweet and sassy girl as she grieves her paci and the rest of the fam as you support her. Thank you for always being so real and honest....seems like more of a coffee date than most other blogs. Praise the Lord for Layla's faith in you and Jesse....may we all strive for such pure trust in Jesus.....cause you're so right....it doesn't suck!
    Lisa

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  3. Love the paci post...such beautiful comfort and understanding, and especially no shame for her pouring out her little heart and then you validating her feelings while still proceeding was awesome...it sounds like it God's timing. So proud of you for listening to your heart last year, and working up to this and giving her something special to look forward to in preparation for the big moment. Then you go and really blow doors by applying the whole thing to yourself and Jesus--WOW-love, love, love your humility in sharing your journey.

    The new costumes are so cute -- had just made myself a note yesterday to find some more boy duds for Judah-man so he has a few more boy choices when dress-up time comes over here!

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  4. Love the paci post...such beautiful comfort and understanding, and especially no shame for her pouring out her little heart and then you validating her feelings while still proceeding was awesome...it sounds like it God's timing. So proud of you for listening to your heart last year, and working up to this and giving her something special to look forward to in preparation for the big moment. Then you go and really blow doors by applying the whole thing to yourself and Jesus--WOW-love, love, love your humility in sharing your journey.

    The new costumes are so cute -- had just made myself a note yesterday to find some more boy duds for Judah-man so he has a few more boy choices when dress-up time comes over here!

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  5. I love the photo of the two of them. You can share that one again when Judah turns 18/21 :-)
    And how sweet that Layla finally managed to give up her pacifier.

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  6. I guess it's time to start making him a Kristoff costume ;) She's a strong little girl! Good luck!

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