Home Alone

Judah got off the school bus at the wrong stop yesterday. He ended up bawling. I am thrilled that this happened and so freaking proud of my 6.5 year old.

He was supposed to get off at our church (aka Jesse's workplace) which is on the same route as home and about 2/3 of a mile away. We put a note in his folder to let everyone know about this unusal change, but there was a substitute teacher yesterday who didn't check. 

So he stayed on the bus and got off at our street like he does most Mondays. The bus drops off at the corner, maybe 20 yards from our front door. At the beginning of the year I would wait by the window and then walk out to meet him getting off. Then I started just keeping an eye out the window and stepping outside to greet him and watch him cross the street. That has progressed to complete independence where I just go about my day and he gets off the bus, crosses the street, and lets himself in 100% independently.

ASIDE: I am having a weird feeling right now because it's like "wait is this actually something to be proud of or call 'independence' in this day and age? Is that where we are?" but also simultaneously, "uh, wait, could I get in trouble for this is someone tattled on me?" WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?!

A few weeks back I had a spare key made for Judah on a total whim. We were are the hardware store getting paint and he was being a dreamy little delight. I saw the key blanks and remembered we needed a spare anyway. Then I saw they had Star Wars themed ones! I got Darth Vader for myself and Jesse yet couldn't leave little Yoda behind (even though his design wasn't as cool), so I asked if Judah would like a house key to have just in case I ever forgot to unlock the door for him. He was very excited and when we got home we practiced using the key and secured it to his back pack.

And yes, Tile is very worth it. Jesse and I are serial key misplacers. This has saved fights and money already.

When we were attaching his key we talked about how he'd probably only ever have to use it if we forgot to unlock the door for him, but how if there was an emergency or something crazy happened and Jesse nor I were home, what would he do?

After some truly whacko and concerning options from him (mostly involving punching and potions) I realized it was god that we discussed this. I suggested knocking on a few neighbors' doors to ask for help with calling us or walking all the way to church; and we decided the best first option was to grab his or Layla's iPad and wifi-call mommy or daddy. We then took the time to put pictures in our contact info so that they could both easily select us.

He has had his key for about 2 months, and that was the last time we talked about this stuff.

The first day he had his key with him and got off the bus he got mad at me for opening the door when I happened to see him coming because he had wanted to use the key. So for the rest of the week, Layla and I would lock the door when we heard the bus, stay in the house, and listen to him struggle until he was able to turn the lock and enter victoriously.

So yesterday I was out running errands with Noa and Layla and Jesse was at work. Judah came in and started doing his homework (can we talk about how great that is that with ZERO supervision he did his dang homework!!) and then he noticed things were quiet (when he tells it, he adds, "maybe toooooo quiet").

He went to the front window and saw neither car in the driveway (smart thinking!). That's when he says he first felt afraid, but then "felt powerful in his chest". I told him later how this is called adrenaline and how our bodies are made to power us up with it in scary moments. He liked the thought of Hulk juice in him.

He tried to find his iPad and couldn't, but did find Layla's in their bathroom beside the toilet (that's my girl!). He pulled up FaceTime and called Jesse. As soon as Jesse saw the call from Layla's iPad--which he knew was at home--he knew Judah had ended up there alone.

When Jesse picked up the call and Judah saw his face, the power juice in his chest dissipated, and he started sobbing, finally feeling the scariness of the situation fully now that he was safe from it (man, biology is cool).

After I got out of my class (I'm soon to be certified to lead RYH groups!) They told me what had gone down. I was instantly SO SO SO proud of my boy and felt so confident in the head he has on his shoulders. I was also incredibly grateful that we was able to process and feel and talk about the fear and sadness and power he had felt through it all as well as satisfaction from solving it on his own.

Am I glad he's safe? Yes, but he was probably never in any danger whatsoever.  I am THRILLED however that he took action, used critical thinking, and remembered what we had talked about. That is worth about 100X more to me than him being protected by circumstances this one time.

If you can't tell, we are Free-Range parents. We parent not to protect our kids from the world, but to prepare them for it. We have practiced getting separated in stores and taught them how to find helpers as well as how to spot "tricky people"  versus almost all other strangers who are happy to really help kids. We believe that talking to grown-ups gives them the experience they need to determine when a grown-up is acting shady or suspicious or asking something inappropriate of them.

Abductions and stranger danger have actually decreased over the past decades, but media coverage, social media fear-mongering (including many totally false stories) have blown it up so that even in my head--which I considered pretty level--it can feel like there are boogey men around every corner. THERE AREN'T. All the statistics say that if your child is going to be kidnapped, abused, raped or have violence committed against him or her, the OVERWHELMING odds are that it will happen at the hands of someone you or they trust.

We need to adjust our parenting energies accordingly.

All that helicopter parenting does is drastically limit the amount of time our kids practice thinking and using judgement--these aren't gifts that come with their draft card or college acceptance at 18--these are character values and neural pathways; brain muscles that have to be exercised and built up.

Otherwise we are turning 20 year old babies loose on society and calling them "adults."

There is no measurable proof that helicopter parenting makes a difference in the safety of our kids; I think there is demonstrable (if anecdotal) proof that it makes our kids less capable. Ask any high school teacher who has been in the game for decades what kind of trends they have seen in parental vs. teen responsibility and involvement. 

There was nothing I could have done to stop Judah from forgetting to get off the bus when he did (I mean beyond pinning a note to his shirt or nagging him, but even then kids are championship-level oblivious sometimes), no matter how low the helicopter flies, these are autonomous creatures we're raising and they're going to go off-plan at some point. But if the goal is to eventually have them making their own life/choices/character (living permanently off plan!) then these age-appropriate forays to independence seem vital...even if they are play-acting or controlled (not suggesting you lock the door and leave home today at bus time just to see what happens).

Tonight we are going to talk hypothetical fire scenarios. I will probably let them play with matches as a visual.

Adult in Training.

Hindsight in 2020, but What Now?

Jesse​ had to talk me down last night from a full panic about the presidential race. My disturbed-horror-face wrinkles are becoming as entrenched as the polemic views in the two-party system...HIYO!

I had up until now convinced myself that, yes, we Americans are reality TV-loving dumb-dings on a superficial level (I'm looking at you, me), but that deep down and collectively we have sense and virtue too. 

I am now beginning to doubt this. 

The best Jesse could do for me was to say that he thinks we'll have to just grin and bear it for the next four years and hope it's a wake-up call. (The upside: seeing which candidate will be the first to use the "Hindsight in 2020" campaign slogan. It's so good, right? I thought of this on my own, but someone else already made a bumper sticker for it too!).

source

But as a passionate reader and admirer of American history (I cry like a big dumb nerd every time one of my Presidential biographies ends with the guy dying...spoiler alert: most do), it's not that easy to just write off this lunacy and resign myself to 4 embarrassing (if not dangerous) years. I am literally brought to bitter tantrum tears when I think about some of today's candidates possibly holding the same office as Washington/Adams/Lincoln/Roosevelt. I am ashamed when I read what the founders entrusted to us and how disappointed they would be about what we've done with it.

Many countries attempted to carve out republics before the U.S. did. There are lots of theories as to why our Great Experiment has worked for so long while others didn't. But one thing that the men who gave their lives to seeing that it would succeed seem to return to is the idea of liberty thriving as a result of a nation that esteems virtue above all, and not the idea that liberty itself could create or even was necessarily a virtue in itself. 

"We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. Avarice, ambition, revenge, or gallantry would break the strongest cords of our constitution as a whale goes through a net."-John Adams

"To suppose that any form of government will secure liberty or happiness without any virtue in the people, is a chimerical idea."
-James Madison

"It is in the manners and spirit of a people which preserve a republic in vigour. . .  degeneracy in these is a canker which soon eats into the heart of its laws and constitution."
-Thomas Jefferson

"Only a virtuous people are capable of freedom. As nations become more corrupt and vicious, they have more need of masters."-Benjamin Franklin

"Can it be that Providence has not connected the permanent felicity of a nation with its virtue?"
-George Washington

"Whenever we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary."
-Thomas Paine

They aren't saying, "you need to pick one perfectly virtuous person, and as long as you do that, you'll be okay." Obviously that person doesn't exist. Every president we've had, from the most epic (Washington truly was a mythic leader, but still a slaveowner) to the most jerk/idiot/criminal/nympho (Nixon did good things in China between crimes and Clinton did lots for worldwide peace, the economy and promoted women's rights, between doing other things with lots of women), has had glaring gaps in their own character and would probably admit it. This was never supposed to be a top-down system where we emulate government. The leaders and laws are a product of us, not the other way around.

And it makes sense. We have an entrenched bureaucracy. I have always laughed it off when people say "this is how Hitler got his start" about an American politician because by design, it's very hard for one person to make rapid, sweeping changes in American government. Sure, the gridlock is infuriating a lot of the time, but it's there as a check against the kind of despotism and ass-hattery that would ignore the voice of the majority and lead us quickly into trouble.  

No, these guys who literally wrote the book on what America should/could/would be seem to be saying that we the--"We The People"-- are the engine and we make our own destiny, and that it's on us to make sure it all works by prioritizing the right things. 

This idea had been bastardized by many talking heads and stump speeches and sermons, and it's NOT what these giants of history (nor Jesus) are referring to when they talk about virtue. The idea of America "turning back to the Lord!" to be "great again" is cheap and easy and it's bad politics and theology in my opinion (aka Jesus Lite). Because neither is ever that formulaic.  Neither the constitution nor the bible says, "if you stop doing X, everything will mostly go well for you." And also America simply isn't a Christian nation, by definition nor by practice or composition.

As easy as it is right now to point at a few (or more likely one particularly glaring, orange) examples of leaders without virtue, the true blame...or at least explanation, lies with us. The political party leaders and strategists aren't morons, and they aren't backroom conspirators trying to saddle us with a candidate that more than 50% of us would never, ever vote for. If politicians are the product, we are the market, and the political parties are there to supply that which we demand.

These are our monsters.

So what does a nation that values virtue look like and why do we seem to have strayed from this? 

I don't know. Crap, that was anti-climactic.

I don't even have a well thought out idea. My best theory is kind of morbid and it's that we haven't had a major, nation-consuming war in too long. The people of the Revolutionary, Civil and World wars weren't inherently better than us, yet they are pretty universally revered, admired and called "the greatest generation." What they did all do though is rise to the occasion of drastic circumstances. Human nature is crazy resilient and adaptive, and immense hardship can bring out incredible character (that's historical AND biblical). 

These major wars were big enough to require the efforts and courage and sacrifice of the entire nation to survive, and I think that as a result they were transformative to our large-scale national character and values. So a country that has been sitting on peace (on a macro level, I know many heroic men and women have died in service to our country in wars and conflicts that may be regional or less than nation-consuming), and prosperity for 70 years could very understandably have taken on the character of a spoiled and pampered child. 

I really hope I am wrong. But I get nervous because it feels like we may be close to electing someone as the face and voice of our nation who is extremely contentious, bombastic, arrogant, and conflict-happy. My nightmare is that well-armed, reactionary, antagonistic countries who may be looking for a reason to cripple us would see Presidential vitriol and political/diplomatic incorrectness as reason enough to begin or draw us into a conflict that would cost blood on a large scale.

But again, that is all so very macro: "Our nation needs to esteem virtue more." Ummmmm, okay, George Washington/Keight Dukes...what do you want me to do about it? Yeah for real.  What do I--one chick with one vote in a hidebound conservative state that will undoubtedly vote Republican no matter what--do to count it as "doing my part." Even aside from voting or campaigning or this one election, how do I change anything about our nation's virtue? How do we? Because I really don't want the answer to ever be that I have to send my son to war, ration butter and go to work in a tank factory.

This is really, really hard stuff. It's reductive to just blame Donald or Hillary or Obama or W. and complain, so what else can we do? It's infuriating because it feels like at the highest level things are spiraling and changing rapidly, but at my level, I'm just a flea trying to reroute the Titanic. Everything feels upside down. The few should feel as constrained in their power as the many feel in our freedom. Problems happen when it gets flip-flopped and change can only happen in a few hands, but the masses can't seem to do anything--and it feels like that's where we are.

I am kind of just ready to see this period of America as history, but I don't want to be one who commits evil or let's it happen because I did nothing.

P.S. Full disclosure, if I had my way from here I think I'd like to see Rubio vs. Sanders, and I am not sure who I would then vote for.

About That 3rd Baby...

I was looking back at a post from years ago because I needed to find an old photo of Layla, and read a few little snippets from her baby-hood. I was shocked because I had written about phases, quirks and stories  of Layla the Baby that I have since completely forgotten. This was depressing because I have been terrible about blogging during Noa's life (I'm excellent about Instagramming though! Partial credit?), and am now wondering what phases of hers I have already forgotten and aren't even on the record for posterity.

So here is a post all about Noa, and her first 15 months.

Baby's first August.

Noa can whistle. Like legit whistle. She unintentionally holds her lips in the exact right position (that older children try SO hard to pull off) so that her normal breathing creates a 2 second whistle tone. I first noticed it during her crawling phase (around 7 months) when I was home alone with her and kept hearing whistling. This is alarming when it's just you and a baby in the house. She hadn't been doing it so much lately, but it definitely belongs in the annals of her weird.

Noa was the EASIEST infant of all time. She would do cardio smiling most of the day, and when she got tired from that, she would whine a little bit. We learned that this first whine meant that she wanted to be taken to bed immediately with no other to-do. We put her face down, and she would do a move we called "shrink-wrapping" where she would just short of condense in on herself, snuggling her blanket closer, and drawing all her limbs into a little ball. No crying, no looking back, just shrink wrap it, and nap it.

Lighting up a room is tiring...better go straight to sleep.

That said, she has become the worst sleeping toddler of all our kids. This is 100% our fault as we havent tried even a bit to sleep train her, and since I let her nurse around the clock when we were breastfeeding (which went away after her 13th month and she doesn't even care!...meanwhile I am mourning.). She wakes up 1 or 2 times after going to bed every night. She doesn't want anything in particular--though we sometimes give a bottle (bottles forever, because she's a BABY!). We are, um, in process on that one. Since she and Layla share a room (Noa is in the walk-in closet), crying it out isn't really the same game as it would be if she was alone (though Layla can sleep through a LOT). This storyline is TBD.

we are now paying for the11 pm nursing/snuggle sessions that I allowed. WORTH IT TIMES INFINITY

Noa has the most sophisticated palate of any baby I know. When she was about 8-9 months old and had barely started solids, she seemed interested in Jesse's sea bass risotto one day. Her let her try some and ended up with legit stingy thoughts about how significantly much of his meal she ended up eating/taking from him. She gets incredibly bored with simple foods like yogurt or cheerios, and needs at least one adventurous meal a day. She will snub applesauce and slam farro and soybean salad. The big kids cannot believe she won't join their "team" of picky eaters and are disgusted when they see her downing sundried tomato couscous.

Baby is a fiend for kale smoothies. Check out that leg pudge glory.

Naturally after eating comes the poop. Like Layla, Noa thinks it's the height of coolness to poop in a brand new diaper. She also poops tiny pellets (and no, shes not dehydrated and she gets plenty of fiber) that look like little nothing-balls, but smell wretched. She's creating like poop's equivalent of bullion cubes. Such concentrated "flavor" in a tiny package.  She also is the quickest draw in the west at reaching down during a diaper change and grabbing the open tab of the dirty diaper and whipping it out from under her--sending poop pellets scurrying about. Even when you are ready for this move, you cannot prevent it.

Dolls upon dolls.

Noa is a safety enthusiast. We knew we wouldn't do a baby gate on our stairs, so from the time she could climb them, we started teaching her how to safely go down. Same for disembarking from couches and beds: get on your tummy and scoot back down until your feet hit something solid. She took to this rapidly, and may be guilty of overusing it. if we are walking and there is the slightest downhill slope she turns around, lies on her belly and tries to backward scoot "down" it (even if it is just a 4-inch difference in sea level over 3 linear feet). Any change in altitude =  belly scoot.

She has begun to loathe her carseat and car rides longer than 10 minutes. This is brand new for us as we have only had kids who were great car riders (including her!) up til now. But we have also never kept a kid backward-facing past a year (b/c Judah and Layla were around before that was like a fully real thing and, I dunno, we are terrible) so maybe it's developmental. Her current carseat is rated up to 30 lbs and she is currently only 22, so we have a long time to go still.  That is fine, but the weird thing is that when she is staying with her Grand Dukes, she LOVES the seat and will go crawl into it and immediately fall asleep. Does she do this anywhere else? No. 

So one night when she was 10 months old, we were hanging out with Jesse's parents after an early date night and Noa was sleepy. So Jesse got her "all set up" in her carseat in the bedroom. After an hour or so I asked him, "you totally buckled her in right?" because, I dunno, she was already walking at this point in life and those things are hard to balance a moving child on without restraint. He was like, "um, no, she passed right out though." I asked him to go check on her and buckle her just in case.

He walked in the bedroom and the carseat was empty.


So that's a bit startling for him. But there's no sign of her anywhere else either!


Then he sees this...

Nerd had gotten out of her seat, crawled under the bed--in the pitch dark, mind you--and fallen soundly asleep. Freaking wonderful!

She MAY have a temper. From being the easiest and sweetest little baby, she is now in the running to be the most rage-a-holic older baby in the family. She is just NOT about being told no. I think since she's our magic #3 princess who has always been pampered by everyone, it's kind of a rude awakening to be discovering that her will does not equal law any longer. At the first sign of noncompliance to her wishes, she gets MAD. A completely mad--not sad--baby is a wonder. Seeing her hulk-rage against who or whatever is holding her back is a sight. She can hissy jump her entire high chair across the room if we refuse to let her out of its bonds. If I am holding her while telling her she can't do/have something, she will PINCH ME. It should be interesting to see how this unfolds.

This was taken on an airplane after 2 hours in the air sweatily rage-wrestling each other for dominance. A one year old is the worst travel companion: all the motion and will, no dedicated seat or language skills.

Noa and I have a strong bond. I don't know if it's the longer breastfeeding, spending more days working from home, being more relaxed and a better mom on my third baby, or just her personality (I suspect its all of those combined), but she makes me feel like more of a mom than either of my other two did by this point. That sounds kinda harsh, but it's true. 

Tite-bond.

Because they stopped "needing" me for milk at 5-6 months, it was easy for Judah and Layla to bond elsewhere (re: Jesse) so I didn't get the full measure of that action. And being the broken, flawed person I am, when I feel unloved or un-pursued, I tend to pull back myself (I know this is nuts to do with a baby, but I only realized this in retrospect). I think that led to a bit of a gap in my mommy bond with those two until they were older. With Noa I have never doubted that I am her #1 source of attachment and security and have intentionally leaned in to her even when I don't feel that. She adores Jesse, but I finally feel like the "Oh, she just wants her mama!" thing is actually true, and it has been affirming (and sometimes annoying--Noa, let a lady pee!) to feel so secure in that position.  

Cant really blame anyone for liking him best, though.

She has three teeth. 3. The bottom middle two teeth came in as expected around 6-8 months. Then nothing until 13 months, and blammo: one tooth. And just like Judah: IT ISNT A MIDDLE TOOTH! It is a single, next-one-over, vampire situation! Unlike Judah, there have been no other teeth following close behind (he had a nice matching set). Poor girl doesn't even have a top-bottom pair that matches up yet. 

Precious Moments.

Dark hair. Her entire life. No sign of fair. I am giving it one more summer to lighten up and then I'm ordering a maternity test.  I joke.  I would love a little baby brunette. I think all 3 kids will end up brown (Jesse started out very blonde his first few years). She is rocking the full on mullet right now with no sign of curls, but can pull of delightful piggie sprout tails. I do think the sun with lighten her up a good bit, but am doubting it will go full blonde. What a world. 

She has an obession with LaCroix sparkling water. This is Jesse and my every day, 4x a day drink. But kids don't usually love it, much less babies. But she sees that can and is all "WAH-WAH" with grabby hand motions until I put a straw in and let her have some. The bubbles make for interesting reactions since she is utterly surprised by them every time and does this bizarre inside-out-mouth face. 

This is the same face she makes eating buttered rice: sucking the butter off every grain. Maternity test cancelled: she's OBVIOUSLY mine.

Hopefully I have covered enough of her quirks to fill in the rapidly growing brain gaps my old age is providing. This little baby is sweet and feisty and attached and independent and soft and fiere and we cannot wait to see who this delightful potato dumpling is becoming and all the weird phases she goes through on her way!

We love you, Noa Lou!