Is It Working Yet? (Doesn't feel like it)

I went back to our small group for the first time last night. Jesse leads it, and we always have great discussion. I almost never ever want to go (because lazy introvert), but am always glad that I did (because Jesus).

We've been going through Galatians for a whole year (and it's not a long book) and it seems like my takeaway every time is, "Oh crap, am I maybe not a Christian?"

Not because I stop believing or something, but because we often end up circling back to very foundational truths about Jesus and the Gospel and believers and I end up saying "well it doesn't work like that for me."

Soooooo, I'm either sitting here as the one person of all the times whom God's word and promises just don't work for (actually I guess Pharaoh is on the bench with me; spiritually redshirted by God who hardened his heart so that he literally couldn't repent--which always seemed like a pretty unfair deal to me. I'll be sure to ask Jesus about it)...

OR 

Some of my premises about Jesus are wrong*

*I bet to my non Jesus-loving readers you're all like, "I'll say! Yeah they are!" zing. #IllPrayForYou #Heathen #Joking #JesusJuke

Here is what I am working with:

Galatians says (like 28 times in 6 different ways...Paul seems to be fussy about this point) that when you attempt to add anything to the saving power of what Jesus did on the cross, you totally alienate yourself from His Grace. Because His Grace is everything and we need nothing else to be right with God. In the Bible the example was circumcision; Jewish Christians were trying to tell new, non-Jewish Christ followers that after they put their faith in Jesus, they ALSO needed to get circumcised too--for extra holiness. Somehow believing in Jesus wasn't quite enough.

And Paul heard about this and was all, "DROP THE FLINTKNIFE and back away from the foreskin!"

It had been part of religious law that Jews and converts to Judaism be circumcised. There were also a butt-ton of other laws that they had been trying for centuries to follow (really weird-sounding stuff that doesn't make a ton of sense to me: DONT TIE THAT KNOT). Paul said that Christ freed us from the law completely by being the only one who actually ever obeyed it perfectly, and when we try to bring parts of it back (usually the parts the we feel like we've got in the bag already: Lev 18:21 Do not give any of your children to be sacrificed to Molek. Well I'm a friggin Saint in that department! Judge me on that category.) we actually put ourselves back under ALL of it and its impossible requirements, and we have instantly failed. 

The application for me isn't so much circumcision (probably not at all, actually), but the gold stars I try to pile on top of the cross: "Yes God came to earth and died by torture for my soul, yadda yadda, but ALSO I am not an alcoholic, I don't cheat on my husband, I gave $5 to a homeless person today, I have cute kids,  and I have powered up some extra kindness from myself today soooooo, in a way, God is kind of lucky to have me in His club."

NO NO NO. Paul tried to ram this home: there is nothing I can do or that can be outwardly measured: no act, no "try", no inherent awesome, no "well, at least I don't ____,"  in me that can possibly make me one millimeter closer to being clean and or good enough for God. Jesus is the only thing that covered that distance, and He is adamant that the journey be exclusively His. 

All my "look at me I'm a good Christian" trophies are worthless; they add nothing to Christ's gift of grace and any faith I put in them actually puts me back into chains.

PREMISE #1: I need to stop thinking that if I somehow do enough of the right things, I could actually improve upon or add to what Christ has already done for me.

Okay I got that. So I am just letting Jesus be His magic, world-saving self in me. But then Galatians also says that the byproduct of having Jesus in my heart (aka Holy Spirit) is actually something that SHOULD show on the outside.  A Christ-filled heart should produce a life marked by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness goodness, and self-control. (Gal 5:22)

PREMISE #2: When God's Spirit is alive and active in my heart, there should be outward signs/fruit.

I paint myself into a corner sometimes when I feel like the outward signs just aren't pouring forth from my life.  I figure, well, if they aren't coming on their own, maybe I can force them out by trying to "man-up" in my own power (aka premise #1) to get the byproducts of premise #2. 

This is impossible because the fruit of the Spirit (from how I understand it) should just be a naturally-occurring overflow of the presence of God in me and of my gratitude and devotion to Him. When I try to just summon patience (accio FORBEARANCE! ) because I know it's right or that I "should" have it, I can maybe squirt out ten to twenty minutes of it (and it's never fun or breezy).  But surely something is better than nothing when it comes to fruit?! 

NO. According to Premise #1 I gotta stop trying to make stuff happen in my own power that is outside of Jesus.

And then I just let the natural overflow of my heart make the outward change in me.

Okaaaaaaay, except...what if nothing happens?

PROBLEM: When I stop using my own efforts to squeak out cruddy little examples of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness goodness, and self-control, ALL semblance of those seems to disappear from my life.

What gives? Where did I go wrong in my theology? Is it me? Am I just terrible?

HYPOTHESIS: I have Holy Spirit antibodies that trigger graft vs. host disease and my donor heart just won't take because my wretched one keeps kicking it out.

But no. I don't really think that outside of the dreary little pity party I throw myself in an attempt to not take responsibility.

"Is this smoothie made from fresh Spirit fruit?" No, fool, it's clearly 100% freak juice.

The problem for me lies in Premise #2. The "alive and active" portion. It's not a puppetmaster situation where as soon as I put my faith in Jesus I instantly became this Bible zombie under the power of the Almighty-pilot and fruity Spirit rays just shoot out of me wherever I may roam. 

No, it's fruit. And the roots and the soil have to be tended. I guess I already know how that is done. I know that means praying more, reading my Bible (which I already struggle with), and just spending time with Jesus. I don't think I am looking for shortcuts there, but--aside from that regiment sounding so cliche--I feel like I have done those things in the past and it doesn't always seem to "work" (that sounds so manipulative-y.)  Does that mean I wasn't really doing those things with the right heart? Because dang, it felt right. 

I want God to draw nearer to me, and I know He promises that very thing if I draw nearer to Him, but what does that really look like? My analytic, not-touchy-feely, ultra-skeptic, cynic brain needs help on getting back there when I am feeling in a rut like this. I need access to that overflowing engine of love and I feel like I am blocking myself. I'm in a port-a-potty at Disneyworld complaining that the place isn't nearly as magical as people said it would be, when I just need help stepping out of the john. (or maybe I just have the secret flu).

QUESTION: What are some practical ways that you've found most fruitful for reigniting your relationship with God? Are there any verses that talk about this stuck-in-between feeling (no longer my power, but not yet feeling His) that you can share? That make YOU overflow?

I'm not just looking for one of those wonderful feelings-full encounters with Jesus (though those ARE awesome). I'm looking for a way back to the kind of life-everlasting and the utterly sufficient grace reservoir that doesn't make me shoot dragon eye daggers at my kids 14 times a day. I know it's a lifetime walk, but I am mature enough in my faith that I need to/should/want to be getting fruitier as time goes by.

I hate feeling like I am just bad at this. Just a stinky worm of a believer (I know, super red-flaggy that I am either considering Jesus lucky to have me or pouting). What gives?!

LIFE IS HAPPENING/HAPPENED

Hey Friendlies! So, 2015, huh? 

My maternity leave is over (which I took from my real job AND my bloggy job, in case you missed that), and we have hopped back on the "normal" life train.

It's actually less of a train and more of a secret treadmill turned up to "Usain Bolt" speed that you even didn't realize was in your path and then all of a sudden--WHAM!--you find yourself bruised under a pile of rubble wondering what in tarnation just happened to you. Well, lemme tell ya, self--this is what happened:

Here are some highlights of what I did during my time away:

-Lost all of my baby weight the week I got home from the hospital and then gained it ALL back as food weight through a strict regimen of gorging myself nonstop on the delicious meals that friends brought to us over the course of Noa's first month. Dessert after breakfast? BUT OF COURSE! (note: if I was a stay at home mom, I would NEVER stop eating!). Still working on this [not so] little development...especially since I am a freak for whom breastfeeding does NOT take weight off.

-Fell just stupidly in love with Noa Lou . Wondered how I would EVER be able to resist constantly getting pregnant just so that I could always have a tiny baby to snuggle...until the treadmill situation above reminded me. She eats like a dream every 3-4 hours, has chubbed up like a champ, and sleep-trained herself at 9 weeks to sleep from 12-7 am. Noa is easily the cutest infant we've had yet, and she is very chill and just generally easy like Sunday morning (Hold up. What a horrendous simile, Lionel Richie!! Sunday mornings are the HARDEST because I have to get 3 kids and myself to church all by myself. Never trust a Jheri Curl!).

She did however lose her sweet baby tan, and seems to be working towards her momma's brand of pale (white/purple). She might very well be transparent in her 4 month photo. Who do I need to speak to about bilirubin injections for adults, because that golden glow is THE STUFF!

Somehow she seems to be shrinking in this series. I assure you, she's not; despite my sorcerer's attempts to keep her newborn. 

cracking up at our wonderful nanny-fam's house today.

-Came in third place in my Fantasy Football league's tenth year in action (beating Jesse in the playoffs felt nice).

-Had daily LOL's at the memories of stress when we first became parents with Judah. Having just a single tiny baby to take care of is a vacation. Alas, you are not able to realize that until the vacation is over has been commandeered by loud toddler predators rappelling down into your idyll, armed with skidmarked underpants and thumbs strong enough to unbuckle themselves on the highway AND gouge each other's eyeballs out. I'm sure if someone handed me a newborn right now, I would look back at the past few months as cake (which I ate a lot of during that period).

My view when all 5 of us are home. Layla is preparing to jump atop the pile. Now imagine this scenario when Jesse is working and it's just me.  Controlling children with just your words when you're stuck in a chair feeding a baby is tricky stuff. My threat-speech has gotten very honed.

Sure they look docile now...

-Flew to Utah with Noa to visited my newly retired parents in gorgeous Saint George. Noa was a championship flyer. I had been prepared to let her nurse the entire 5 hour flight time if she wanted, but when I tried to "offer her the breast" (as the fancy people say) during takeoff she was super annoyed and was like, "MA! just let me sleep!" She would pretty much just wake up to smile. 

Boarding first, back of the plane, PRAYING for a kindly grandmother as my seatmate. Ended up with a father of two teeneagers who is a neonatal respiratory therapist! fairly awesome. He was on board with 20 other doctors and specialists from Children's Healthcare of Atlanta. Not a bad flight for a nervy momma to be on.

I'm just gonna charm your socks off real quick and then it's milk and back to sleep! Planes = giant white noise machines.

Haha. Flying into Vegas I spotted a "really cool looking river and wall thing." After I snapped this pic to later show Jesse and ponder what it could be,  I heard other passengers referring to the "Hoover" something. Ah, so. Me + Geography for the win.

Hiking with my DNA donors. 

D for Dixie Mountain. And Dukes. And Doy.  I'll let you guess how many tries it took my mom to capture this shot. I started with just my hands shaped like a heart, but that bullseye was FAR too challenging for her. 

G-ma getting her grandbaby-wearing on.

Snuggling momsy at a town overlook before my massage (with special mammary-accommodating pillow for milk filled customers!) 

  

No matter how wonderful the baby, flying solo with one is HARD. My arms were aching from holding her the entire time while trying not to spill over into other people's space or lose feeling in all my extremities.

Pop-pop and Noa in my folks' backyard. Their views are straight stunning.

-Got the new iPhone 6. May have mortgaged part of my soul to AT&T in transferring to their "Next" plan. In the process of swapping everything over I ended up with a bunch of my photos being not on my phone; adrift somewhere in a cloud with Jennifer Lawrence's hacked nipples, I suppose. There's plenty of stuff in there documenting the stuff I have left out. As soon as I can pierce the cumulonimbus and retrieve them, I'll set about updating the blanks.

Well that was about as slipshod as a blog post can be. Working on tightening up my focus....and m'glutes.

Thrilled to be back!

Girl Charlee KnitFix (Fabric Giveaway!)

Comin' atcha live from the milky, sleep-deprived fog of maternity leave because it's scarf and gifting season, and that means my braided scarf tutorial is exactly what the world needs now. After, of course, it gets its fill of love sweet love.

I knew approximately diddly-squat-point-five about knit fabrics (think T-shirt material), and had sewn with almost exclusively woven fabrics (think bed sheets). Then I wrote that tutorial and started selling the scarves in my Etsy shop. Here now in my fourth season of churning these scarves out for customers, friends and family (I've made over 300!), I am intimately acquainted with knit fabrics. THEY RULE. No ironing, no fraying, super soft and perfect for truly practical projects.

A quick look in my shop will show you that I get almost all of my fabrics from Girl Charlee. I discovered them through a friend a season or two ago and have been slurping down their yardage ever since. I was even their customer spotlight this past February (I am suggesting a pinup calendar...I will dress as a fat baby holding a bow and arrow as befits my month...and my current physique)!

So how pumped was I when I found out that Girl Charlee has invented a new way to introduce sewists to their yummy goods? Answer: very muchly so. 

Here's the lowdown diggity (if you've tried or read about other "fixes," it's kinda similar, but in yardage form!):

-The first KnitFix sale kicks off on December 9th

-Each KnitFix contains 6 specially selected, unique and exclusive knit fabrics in two yard cuts each (12 yards total).  

-These are fabrics that will never be available anywhere else, ever!

-KnitFix sales are only once a month, the second Tuesday, and are on a first come, first serve basis.

-Each KnitFix sale has fabrics that are only available for that one month's sale so you can buy each month and never get the same fabrics.

-Retail price is $69 (for 12 yards) and each fix comes in a custom designed, limited edition Girl Charlee KnitFix reusable tote bag.

Because I'm a lucky sneaky duck, I got to get my first KnitFix a little early. Wanna peek? 

This tote's adorbs, right? (it's okay to hate me for that one)

Getting my first glimpse. What a fun bunch! I spy floral, tribal, stripes, lace, geometric and quatrefoil. 

I was barely able to snap this photo because Layla kept grabbing at the floral print begging me to make her "sumpfin!" out of it. Guess who is getting pretty flower leggings from mommy for Christmas! 

So if you're digging on these fabrics, guess what? You can win my exact KnitFix yourself for free! Girl Charlee is giving one of you these same 12 yards of sewing goodness free to your doorstep just in time to whip up some awesome custom gifts for your people/self.

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