Little Girls Gift Guide (6-8 years old)

1. Aaron Slater Book // 2. Doll Laundry Set // 3. Magnetic Beads // 4. Nail Stamper // 5. Sweater // 6. Sharpie Set // 7. Pom Pom Beanie // 8. Bow & Arrow // 9. Shrinky Dinks // 10. Blue Light Glasses // 11. Marble Maze Puzzle // 12. Fanny Pack // 13. Jeggings // 14. Chain Set // 15. Sneakers // 16. LOLs  // 17. RC Car //18. Taco Cat Game

Gift Guide for Low Effort Women

I'll have to let someone who wears a bra daily and her hair down more than once a fortnight do her version of this guide. I realized as I was making this that it looks like a gift guide for the ill or elderly which is.... honestly, fitting. 

1. White Noise // 2. Heaven's Mug // 3. Clay Mask Scrub // 4. Fleece Socks // 5. Foundation // 6. Migraine Ice Cap // 7. Pain Free Brush // 8. Undies // 9.  Wristlet // 10. Tweezers // 11. Shaver  // 12. Waterproof Kindle // 13. Tyler Detergent // 14. Cream Blush // 15. Nightingale // 16. Wine Chiller/Pourer // 17. Studs // 18. Dry Shampoo // 19. Chopper

1. White Noise I've bought 3 of these since I got the first 5 years ago. Once as a gift (they loved it so much they bought another one for their sibling's wedding!) and once to have a second one because i DO NOT TRAVEL WITHOUT this and Jesse was sad at home without it. The top volume of this machine is amazing and like being on an airplane) plenty of low volumes too. If there's one thing I am elite at: it's sleeping. This is my MVP

2. Heaven's Mug: Look its expensive, I know. But you heft one of these once and youll know why (also they are all handmade in Atlanta and Asheville and the company is so freaking responsible and magical).

3. Clay Mask Scrub: I dont want to know about skincare from someone who has amazing skin. Im realizing "Good skin" is just genetics and using sunscreen. So I wont sit here and say this gives me good skin, BUT it does make my skin feel really good and fresh and smooth. I use it as a scrub every few days or leave on longer as a mask occaisionally. the 2oz bottle is $36 retail (INSANE), but I always buy on eBay (('m on my 4th tube in 4 years) and can get twice as much for less than $20.

4. Fleece Socks: Sometimes i get cold feet and no amount of wrapping the bed covers around them will warm them. These are the very very best for when you're the right temp but your feet are frozen. My mom gave me my first pair of these in 10ths grade and I still have them. I have a few more pairs too now. 

5. Foundation: One time my friend Steph was getting ready in the backseat of the car. I lept turning around to chat with her from shotgun and after she had put this on it was like I turned around and she had put on an IG filter. I bought this the next day. (I'm Birch 1.5 for reference).

6. Migraine Ice Cap For those hormonal headaches I get a few times a month that medicine doesnt touch. This has a hole for high ponytail, 9 gel packs that freeze hard to use as counterpressure and can be pulled down over your eyes.

7. Pain Free Brush I have crazy tangly hair for it being so straight. After getting fresh highlights it turns into one big wet dreadlock after I've washed it. This baby gets my untangled with zero rage tears (kid approved too).

8. Undies: Ive been wearing  these since AE released the style in 2002. I used to get livid when any of my teammates wore the same ones...because I'm a delight. But now I want everyone to know the comfort of these and I have learned to share.

9. Wristlet: When I need to carry more than my phone (which is my wallet too) But when I am being fancy and have a few other things to carry This little fella is great. I love the 2-tone leopard and brown for sass.

10. Tweezers: Death to tweezer that don't grab. This has been my go-to brand for years and I have a pair of these in both cars, my makeup bag, my nightstand and my desk. Yeah. 

11. Shaver: Continuing the glamour parade of being a 39 year old woman: this little thing lives in my makeup bag too for when I spot  soome fuzz on my face or steel wool on my legs, and don't have a bathub handy. 

12. Waterproof Kindle: I saw my friend using this at the beach and was super jelly. Im usually a hate of e-readers and prefer real books, but i also love reading in the tub and at the pool and beach and am sick of getting my books all bloated and wrinkled from thw moisture. This waterproof baby is on my list this year for letting me be literate and wet n wild.

13. Tyler Detergent: A few ladies at my gym use this and I was always intoxicated by it. One of them gave me a bottle for Christmas in 2018 and we've been smitten ever since. Towels and sheets are MADE for this stuff and it's the only stuff I've ever used in the wash that seriously holds scent.

14. Cream Blush: I feel fancy when I use this. I think young people use it too. Ive been working on my first tube for a solid 2 years now so it lasts.

15. Nightingale: Awesome book. 2-3 day read. Compelling but not disturbing. Theyre making it into a movie...which is typically a good review.

16. Wine Chiller/Pourer: I had once of these years ago and it didnt have the pour-through feature. This is a huge upgrade. And you can look like Mr. Freeze at Hogwarts with it.

17. Studs: Super minimalist and cute. $10 shipped right now! 

18. Dry Shampoo: Okay full disclosure, I bought this and haven't used it yet bc it's at my friend's house. She raves and raves about it and convinved me to buy it so it's on here for her.

19. Chopper: No matter how nice of a knife I buy or how much I practice, dicing SUCKS. I got one of these in 2010 and use it weekly for perfect little cubes of many many foods. It can perfectly dice 20 tomatoes in like a minute.  (I have broken the bottom catch bowl by putting things in it that should be (re: sweet potatoes) so just be reasonable about that.

Gift Guide for Tween Girls

1. Tee  // 2. Slippers // 3.Colored Pen Set  & Interactive Journal // 4. Hoop Set // 

5. Scent Diffuser // 6. Jellyfish Lamp // 7. Makeup set // 8. Black leggings  // 9. Gold chains  // 

10. Questioners Books // 11. Headwraps // 12. Mini brands // 13. Sweater  // 14. Yeti  //

 15. Echo clock  // 16. Bento box  // 17. Jeans  // 18. Combat boots // 19. Beginner Volleyball 


All of these are products Layla already owns and recommends OR is being given this year (either by us or grandparents). Here's my unsponsored take on each. (Affiliate links in effect).

1. Tee: Hopping on the trend of short, boxy and repping a band that came out when her grandparents were in their prime.

  

2. Slippers: I don't know. I never would have thought these would be on her list but I asked her for some things she really wanted and this came up. I do, however, love this style.

3.Colored Pen Set  & Interactive Journal: these have been my favorite pens to write with since college and the set of 30 with the roll up case (which you should obviously arrange in rainbow order) pack a huge punch on value and ease of toting around. We got her this journal last year (it give prompts to help them write. draw, or create on every page) and she loves it.

4. Hoop Set: Does it look like something you wore in the 90's and then donated? Then its in style now apparently. I understand nothing and have reached the age where if I dont love the look of it, that means its probably cool. I am not passing the vibe check.

5. Scent Diffuser: Okay teen boys get all the glory for being weird smelling, but girls represent too. Layla (and her pet guineas) moved into her own room this year and this will be appreciated by everyone who visits (to be fair its the rodents that smell and its because she's lazy about cleaning her cage).

6. Jellyfish Lamp: She got this for her birthday and its super useful for calming down her frenetic brain for bedtime. I actually kind of want one for my desk too. (Pro tip: you need to open it up and fill it and soak the jellies in soap before they'll full be ready to bob right so plan for that if you want full va-va-voom on gifting morning)

7. Makeup set: Because she wants to be 20 but also 6. This age is weird. 

8. Black leggings: Pretty much uniform for women from age 3-90. Layla really prefers the active dry-fit kind. (these are great quality and <$20)

9. Gold chains: All the cool kids are doing it. And the Professional baseball players. Win-win!

10. Questioners Books: For kids that love the Iggy Peck/Ada Twist etc. series of picture books for littler ones, there's now a set of chapter books from the same author and they're just as highly reviewed.

11. Headwraps: I mean they're $1 each. Cute and boho and soft. Splitting the set in half and each girl gets 5 in her stocking! Major bonus for them being nice solid colors and not a 20-pack of insane patterns.

12. Mini brands: This is the one that I'm buying partially for myself too. These teensy versions of real products get my mini-loving heart a-pumping. The dollhouse is about to be so stocked.

13. Sweater: one of the only fashion items on her list that I would wear the grown-up version of. 

14. Yeti: This one is another item I'd have never come up with but she put on her own list. Kind of fancy style for an 11 year old, and I'm 100% she won't lose it.

15. Echo clock: Layla recent got very into knowing what time it is at all...times. I have a theory that she doesn't like or possibly CANNOT tell time on the analog clocks but she SAYS there's only one unbroken clock at school.  She got a digital watch for her birthday and loves it. She also kidnapped our bathroom Alexa so this combines her two passions or clocks and bots into one gift--and liberates our assistant back to us.

16. Bento box:  Another one from her birthday list. She LOVES this thing and actually packs her lunch thoughtfully now that she has it. Now her leftovers can rot in style over weekends and holidays.

17. Jeans: Loose fitting and gently distressed, just like my figure. 

18. Combat boots: I actually love the look of these Doc-alikes. And the price point is about 70% better too.

19. Beginner Volleyball: This is the correct weight of ball for leagues up to 13U, so this is what we practice with at home. Fun color combos and Layla named hers Vanessa. She is also getting this trainer leash to help with arm swing without chasing the ball down or beating against my house at all hours.

Gift Guide for Tween Boys

1. Slides // 2. Waterproof Speaker // 3. Phone Holder // 4. Patch Hat // 5. Patches: Kirby  Tape  ATL //

 6. Nerf Digital Target // 7. Quality Time Punch Cards // 8. Hatchet + Sheath // 9. Lightning Cable // 

10. Shocktato // 11. Champion Hoodie // 12. Undies // 13. Pass Back // 14. 6-can Mini Fridge // 

15. Pull Up Bar  // 16. Guiness Book  // 17. Toilet Light

All of these are products Judah already owns and recommends OR is being given this year (either by us or grandparents). Here's my unsponsored take on each. (Affiliate links in effect).

1. Slides He'll happily wear them through winter with socks, they take 1 second to put on, and theyre far cheaper to replace monthly when he outgrows them than sneakers

2. Waterproof Speaker Judah is the prime age for going around the neighborhood and up to the park with his friends on his bike. This super sturdy, waterproof, clip on bluetooth speaker lets him play his jams  the whole time and he can even still listen for traffic. 41,000 5-star reviews have me willing. 

3. Phone Holder If you follow me on Insta, you've seen Judah's burgeoning love for making TikToks. He keeps borrowing our massive tripod, but this will let him film wherever with one of his own since it clamps on. AND it doubles as a hands free stand. 

 4. Patch Hat He fell in love with my gym hat in this style and kept stealing it, so we finally got him his own. Velcro 2x3 for interchangeable patches

 5. Patches: Kirby  Tape  ATL we are adding a few to his collection for Christmas (and I am DIY'ing a framed velco board for him to store/display his patches when not in use).

 6. Nerf Digital Target This comes with 3 different games programmed on and is slightly safer for my walls than a traditionally dart board.

7. Quality Time Punch Cards Like I wasnt going to put my own invention on here. But for real, middle school boys don't tend to emote well, so giving him and easy out of "I want to use my dinner punch" is an easier way for him to say he needs time with you.

 8. Hatchet + Sheath I got him a hatchet before we wetn glamping and it might as well have been an iphone based on how many hours he spent with it. Go ahead and buy a  Sharpening Stone too because the fools will hack on things that dull the blade.

9. Lightning Cable never enough. We own 2 of these (have had both for months) and theyve held up SO WELL. Not even one power blink or spazz out yet. Plus fun colors/

10. Shocktato You had me at "electrocute your child." But for real, this was made for idiot boys.

11. Champion Hoodie I was shooketh to find out this brand is cool at my kid's school now.

 12. Undies I mean, if they have them, SURELY they're more likely to wear them. We have several packs of these and Judah like them best for anti-wedgie protection. I just want as many barriers as possible between the farts and my face.

13. Pass Back My SIL gave him one for Christmas a few years ago and its been a best buddie since then. Chucking it against our house for HOURSSSSSS when Jesse or I are available to toss the full football.

14. 6-can Mini Fridge  He is going to feel like the too-est cool for school guy when he gets his own teeny fridge in his room (these are only $25).

15. Pull Up Bar  We have had this one installed in his room for over 4 years and its never fallen down despite him using it daily (and Jesse and I using it now and then too). 

16. Guiness Book  If Judah has failed me in one way its that he doesnt love reading like Jesse and I do (yet) He will however read books like this cover to cover repeatedly. So I'll keep buying them.

 17. Toilet Light I scored one of these in a White Elephant game a few years ago and they're AWESOME! Part motion activated night light, part runway lights for landing the plane. Tween boys aren't known for their pee aim in the best of lighting, so adding this into the mix in the dark is USEFUL,

Gift Guide for Men

1. Desk Cube // 2. Key Tracker // 3. Lounge Shorts // 4. Utility Knife // 5. Hoodie Shacket // 6. Flannel Shirt // 

7. Wallet Phone Case // 8. Cigar Whiskey Glass // 9. ATL UTD Hat // 10. Three-Body Problem // 11. AirPods Key Case //

12. Flex Khakis // 13. Perfect Pocket Tee // 14. Bug Rifle // 15. Travel Cereal Cup

All of these are products we already own and recommend OR are being given this year. Here's my unsponsored take on each. (Affiliate links in effect).

1. Desk Cube No more crawling under the desk to access the power strip: 3 USBs, 3 AC plugs, all within reach.

2. Key Tracker This little square has saved our marriage many times. Because apparently his favorite activity for unwinding after work is to hide his keys in the most unknowable locations. This is the electronic version of Accio! (I know Apple has a version of these now but we've had these for years and have been super pleased)

3. Lounge Shorts Comfy as hell for him around the house, but can still be worn in public without bringing shame upon your family. PLUS excellent fit on the caboose for my viewing pleasure.

4. Utility Knife We borrowed one of these from a friend and after 30 seconds using it I went and bought one for us. This mamma-jamma reloads a new blade with one hand from a supply inside  the handle. Refills are super affordable. I haven't felt so passionate about a tool since discovering my demigod of a manual screwdriver

5. Hoodie Shacket Fuzzy, sporty, warm. I love this color and the rust one too. Great for layering under another coat or going solo.

6. Flannel Shirt Cozy, fits great, and a million colors to choose from. I look forward to stealing this for myself.

7. Wallet Phone Case We own 3 of these (Judah too!) and havent carried wallets in years. Major drop protection and card holds that doesn't stretch out. They make them for all the iPhone models and some androids too

8. Cigar Whiskey Glass These are going to Jesse's dad because he LOVES to bro out hard with whiskey and cigar nights.

9. ATL UTD Hat The man is OBSESSED with this team. This design looks cool to me and is a change up from the 103,458 other pieces of swag he has.

10. Three-Body Problem We shared (re: fought back and forth over) one copy of this book on vacation and both simultaneously read it in 2 days. 

11. AirPods Key Case He kept getting enraged by the basic silicone case getting stretched out causing the lid to flop off. This one is tight as a drum (he's had it for over 6 months and still raves)

12. Flex Khakis I don't want to talk about how often the grown man rips the crotch of his pants. Give him all the flex.

13. Perfect Pocket Tee Found one of these at Goodwill once and it fit him so well I started buying them new.

14. Bug Rifle Literally the only item he said he actually wants. If we're going to be shot-gunning flies in the house, why not add the laser sight to be fully extra?

15. Travel Cereal Cup one handed, spill proof cereal consumption on the go. I am intrigued by this gimmicky genius goodness.

T H I R T E E N

Let's sidestep the part where I address the 22-month blog absence and instead consider today's post as nothing but an abnormally long Instagram caption. It's a blip. ("Blogs are out, but people are texting each other'" -Ryan Bailey Howard).

Today is our 13th Anniversary.  Or, to use Layla's favorite emphatic, we've been married thirteen frickin' dang years.

Lots of people stay married for 13 years. It isn't particularly impressive as a number. And even to say you've been happily married for 13 years isn't a terribly Big Whoop on the world stage of all whoops. Maybe a medium whoop. A grande at Starbucks. 

 Lucky and Plucky AF

Today becomes impressive for us only when you consider that Jesse and I were exceptionally--almost comically--ill-suited for having a healthy marriage to each other when we started out (in terms of temperament/conflict style/Enneagram type). It's a big whoop considering how much FREEEEEAKING effort and practice it took (and takes) to get us to this place where our marriage is now my favorite and most valuable thing on this planet.

SPOILER: the incompatibility had jack crap zero to do with how in love with each other we were. We were utterly obsessed with and committed to the person we were marrying and wanted nothing but the best and brightest and healthiest for one another and our marriage--and we still quickly pivoted right into making each other miserable. Precious.

Happy Anniversary, being in (what you think) is love is the stupidest thing you're going to have to overcome.  

Best wishes, SUCKAZZZZ.

I made a list of the 13 most important things we do and have learned. I will FORSHORE need to come back to this many times. It will also be worth the effort to write if it can spare at least one of you a failed dramatic exit from Outback Steakhouse in your own marriage (that example inspired by real events). 

1. Marry for LIKE

This is my #1 marriage advice. HEED ME, O ISRAEL.

Being in young, fiery so-called love is a trick of biological and evolutionary warfare waged by your DNA on your stupid, unsuspecting brain--the sole aim of which is to get your gametes together with another's to propagate the species and ensure your microscopic code pieces are a part of it. Your DNA doesn't care if  you are fire and they are ice, if all your disparate instincts and relational tools are incompatible--it just liked their musk and wanted to mate with it. It will wear off--and FAST.

"But we were so in love--TRUEST LOVE!" I proclaimed! Oh dummy, that wasn't actually love. It was lust and obsession and fun and adrenaline and dopamine--and it had to go away or else you'd never remember to pay your taxes or do the laundry because that feeling makes you a single-minded idiot. 

Jesse and I got lucky here (well, I did--he's not an idiot like I was). I had quite the history of being in love with people I didn't really like. *insert the face-est of palms.* But how many movies had I watched where someone you don't get along with, don't want to spend time with, or even actively hate, turns out to have been the one for you ALL ALONG. Awwww. 

No. This is a bad story. AVOID.

I don't care how good they look on paper, how hot they are, how much your mama likes them: if you don't enjoy talking to them (without touching or looking at their beauty) and want to change most of the things that come out of their mouth: IT ISN'T GOING TO WORK. 

Because that love-drunk, starting out feeling WILL fade. If you work at it, the REAL, enduring, deep magic kind of love will come--but in the meantime it makes things SO much easier if you actually like the human whose farts you have to smell. 

There were times in the first few years of marriage when we were over the crazy-in-love phase but were still figuring out how to build our real foundation. All the quick-burning fuel had consumed itself, and we didn't yet have a good stockpile of the clean, slow burning, renewable stuff to use. In these in-between times it was LIKE that saved us. 

When I didn't have grace to give or more effort to contribute to doing the hard or self-denying thing--the fact that I liked Jesse so hard was a marriage-saver. I'd want to be mad at him but he'd make me laugh. I'd be attempting to freeze him out and see a joke that ONLY he would get and have to share it with him. 

God makes us lots of promises about the power and immortality of selfless love and how we can have it infinitely for all humans everywhere. It can do just about anything and resurrect itself for sure. But I think He maybe left it more of a tossup when it comes to liking each other--some people you will like and some you won't. No big deal and it wont keep you from loving them like Jesus did, but go ahead and make sure you get it right in marriage because that ish is hard to conjure.

Just my frickin dang favorite

2. Say what you want, you idiot

We laugh now about the HOURS of our pre-children married life we wasted in a stalemate. We'd be in a fight and ALL I'd want was him to hug me or to just forget the stupid argument and go to dinner. But I wouldn't say it because that's not spontaneous or romantic. I'd just wait for him to think of it (IF HE REALLLLY LOVED ME HE'D KNOW) Again, I blame my poisoning at the hands of Hollywood for this. 

I'd be mad at him already for whatever, and then I'd double down in my head "and he's so dumb and evil he doesnt even know I want to be hugged right now as I'm actively pushing him away, what an unromantic fool; clearly we aren't soulmates, oh the injustice."

The first time I growled through clenched teeth with my back turned "canyoujusthugmeplease?" it almost physically hurt (SO UNROMANTIC IT SHOULD BE RAINING OR AT THE AIRPORT), but we saved like 2 exhausting hours, and I realized spontaneity and mind-reading are nice but I'd rather not get divorced waiting for them, so let's go ahead and speak up.

3. Go to counseling

It's 2019. There is no stigma. Find a mentor couple, an actual counselor, a trusted 3rd party and GO TALK TO THEM ABOUT YOUR JUNK. Go together and go separately.

You simply cannot be objective about yourself. You are the subject of your life and you are inherently biased. You cannot referee your own match just as you can't lift your own body.

You are riddled with blind spots and do not know best.  It won't work itself out on its own.  Get off your high horse and see a counselor. 

Also cannot dip yourself

4. Ask "How can I help?"

I get crazy overwhelmed. When stress hits me my capacity to take things on plummets. This stresses me out even more. The cortisol hits my brain and my fight or flight almost always picks FIGHT. I  get angry and lash out.

One day a few years ago Jesse hacked this situation like he was getting infinite lives in Contra for NES.  Instead of defending against my crazy venting at him or telling me to calm down, he asked "how can I help?"

KEANU-LEVEL WHOA. 

This stopped me in my tracks and forced me to analytically think about action steps rather than just unleashing a Jackson Pollack painting of stress rage AT HIM. I have to triage my current stressors to determine the most helpful thing I can let him do. Not only do I have one less thing on my plate when I give him one, but I have a more organized and rational picture of everything going on and how to tackle it.

This question is a gift. Give it and receive it.

5. Tell Reruns

This one is easy. Go back and retell each other your story. Indoctrinate yourselves with your history and legend. Parts of it, moments, the whole thing. Again and again. I make Jesse retell me about when he liked me and his secret thoughts from dating quite often. I ask weird and specific questions. 

We together try to go back and piece together timelines and situations from the early days. It's fun and puts a little of that early magic back in without the all-consuming-meth-addiction-like disregard for the rest of the universe that we had back then. Meth is healthy in small doses, after all.

6. Listen to the Fans.

Another easy one. Find people that adore your spouse and make them tell you why. When others start bragging on your other half, listen. Don't downplay it, lean in and hear. Coworkers, parents, friends, mentors, customers, whatever.  It's so cool to hear people love your person from angles you don't have.

"Jesse is an amazing dancer." Still waiting to hear than one.

7. Find Something to Lose About

It's natural for me in fights to amass a mighty stack of evidence against Jesse detailing his legion of wrongs. I will dig so deep to find more to blame him for. I have driven him to bitter tears of frustration doing this--when all he wanted was for me to see one way that I was hurting him and take responsibility for it. I just couldn't see it or hear it because it wasn't my mission.

It was after a Jesse had preached one Sunday about how "losing to win" was the entire essence and magic of how Jesus conquers that I told myself the next time we were in a frustrating, drawn-out stalemate of a disagreement, I'd attempt the mental exercise of TRYING to find something I could apologize for (very different from my typical "IT'S ALL YOU" method). I would purposefully lose the argument so our marriage could win. 

It was like dang sorcery. I said something like "I definitely could have done a better job hearing you and caring about what you wanted." Truly not that hard or humiliating but gahhhh it made things easier. 

Tons of energy is required when you're trying to convince someone that nothing is your fault and everything is theirs. When you admit that, okay, this one part at least was totally my bad, the pressure of defending your perfect behavior record disappears (surprise: it wasn't perfect), and it becomes much easier to keep finding ways you could love better. The first one is the hardest to see and admit. Dig for it.

What did I do?

8. Keep Choosing.

I like to tell Jesse " I choose you every damn day." I don't know when this started, but I do remember before. When things were impossibly hard, I'd get mad that some dumb 23 year old had "done this to me" AKA my younger self. She made the choice to marry him, and she's a skinny idiot. I blame her. Ugh, HER.

Instead of being some passive victim of the 2006 version of myself--living out the consequences of her choice--I decided to take active control and show up and choose Jesse again and again. 

I mean, I don't know what the alternative was, but this was a mindset shift for sure, and it helped me remember that this marriage and this dude were both something I have to continue to want and chase after. 

I'm not just married to Jesse because we said the things in 2006--I'm married to him every day still, by choice. I'm not bound by dusty old vows I said once and didn't really even understand back then; I'm purposefully renewing and trying to learn and live more of those promises every day (even when it's a pain in the ass to choose him and costs pride and ego and self). 

Choose each other every damn day.

9. Have the Sex

Non-negotiable (I mean as a concept in marriage-CONSENT ALWAYS, YALL. Come on). 

We have friends (male and female) who shave shared that they haven't had sex with their spouse in months and years. This is heartbreaking to me and I think fundamentally not how it's supposed to be. 

It's not always (or even often?) going to be earth-shattering, wake-the-neighbors level, but it IS almost always really important. For a few reasons. Some spiritual, relational, physical and some even animal in nature.  

I know you have a headache, I often do too. Just find a way at least weekly (and try to wake the neighbors a few times a year). I'm not a doctor. Don't @ me.

S-E-X

10. Request more info

"Oh look, Jesse put his used wet bath towel on top of my pile of clean laundry, CLEARLY he thinks his clothes and time are more valuable than mine, and even though we both work full time this is YET ANOTHER sign of the patriarchy in him and he's lazy and just doesn't care about me or the time I put into washing HIS children's skidmarked underwear because he doesn't love me enough to  even try."

And we're off to the races and the narrative is WRITTEN. Jesse's entire body of work from of loving me--decimated by a wet towel. Boom. 

Boy oh boy I can fill in some blanks. But maybe, just maybe, the actions that annoy me aren't evils on par with terrorism--even if that's where my brain goes  pretty fast and furious. Sometimes he IS just being lazy or careless, but other times he dropped it because Noa slammed her hand in a door and started screaming and he ran to her.

Maybe "hey, what happened with this?" is a better option than "YOU ASS!"

Maybe.

It's a little embarrassing that I had to learn to not throw someone's entire character into the flames before I asked them for the entire story, but here we are. I still get this one wrong more often than not (in all my relationships, you know who you are). I know that I'm ten times more likely to respond well if someone says "hey I have a question about something you did" versus "I saw what you did and I know exactly what you meant by it and YOU ARE OF SATAN." I appreciate deeply the people who have treated me this way, so I want to do it better.  Especially with Jesse. 

Because he often throws down wet towels but only rarely terrorizes intentionally, and I need to square these two facts in my life.

11. Get a Thing.

Oh a fun one. Find a thing you are both into and fangirl over it together. You don't even necessarily have to do the thing together at the same time, but you have to both be into it and enjoy talking about it. 

Example: about 2 years ago CrossFit  became one of our things (2 years is the longest a CrossFitter has ever gone on a blog without mentioning that they CrossFit). We rarely go to the same class, but even if he does the workout at 5am and I do it at 5pm, we can talk about it when we look at it the night before, he can tell me hints for surviving after he does it before I do, and we can fully debrief after I've done it. Then we can be horribly sore together for three days afterward and watch CrossFit videos on YouTube. It's A WHOLE THING and we share it and it's fun and awesome (and you love how much we are into it and need to come to CrossFit with us). 

It could be a podcast, a sports team, a board game, a TV show, a hobby. Find something that is not about your kids or directly about marriage, and nerd out over it together.

12. Jesus

Ok this one may be optional since I know many healthy marriages where the couple isn't about Jesus. And it's astounding to me that it's possible for them. Because it just isn't optional for us. And not in a "oh it's a deal-breaker" gross fundamentalist way. But in a practical "There's no way I could love you when I think you deserve my hatred if I hadn't been loved that way by God first and so much" way. 

I've said many times to Jesse "Efffffff I don't want to make this right with you and I'm so mad and think I'm totally right...BUT JESUS" (died for serial killers so I guess I'll forgive you).

He's the engine and example and authority over both of us and he says to never ever stop loving each other and that it's always worth it. That's a decent endorsement.

13. Keep Learning

This is kind of a cop-out because I couldn't think of a good last one, but it's also true. If i'd written this list at year 5, I wouldn't have known half the things on here yet. But if you'd asked me back then, I'd have thought I'd pretty much circled the basics so far. 

HELL NO.

It's crazy encouraging to know that we will keep learning each other and about marriage as we go. And it's reassuring that those same things that drove us to the brink years ago? we now have solid strategies for and experience dealing with--and can even laugh at (sweet Moses, they were NOT funny at the time--that Outback storm out was SOBERING HIGH DRAMA). I want to remember that when new trials and issue come up and FEEL hopeless. 

"I hate your guts and kind of want to murder you right now, but oh, how we'll laugh about this one day, darling."

Our fire-ravaged wedding album. Kind of perfect.

In Too Deep

A dream of mine came true recently. It took a hard left turn into a bit of a nightmare, but, like, a funny one, where you wake up scared-- but laughing. 

A mistaken identity text exploited for japery!

The sender thinks they are texting someone else, and rather than telling them "wrong number," you just roll with it. You've seen instances of this online, they sometimes go viral because the recipient plays along or trolls the sender, and hilarity unfolds as things escalate. I always say, "dang I wish that would happen to me so I could mess with someone."

Because in my head, and despite never actually attempting it, I'm an improv genius, and the world is missing out on my star-shine because I'll never be camera-ready. 

With all this pre-existing desire to have a wrong-number text fall into my lap, I may have been over-primed and shot out of the gate too fast when it actually did.

Let's dive in. Here's the initial text:

if you already know where this is going, congrats on being smarter than me, and maybe we should get you some help.

Now, most of this was pure nonsense to me, but I didn't care. MY MOMENT HAD COME! And if my sender/target is a little less proficient at making the Englishes, it could be even more fun!

Since I was shooting blind with zero context of what this dude is talking about or who he (she?) thinks I am, I just went wide with it, employing the classic Righteous Wronged Lover/Friend ploy as my opening gambit.

I'm confident I have him off-balance right away.. He's thinking of every way he's ever wronged whoever he thinks I am. 

I am expecting a little more personal and specific intel when he replies. Is he an ex-lover? A bro turned enemy? A mild mannered co-worker that is spiraling now that I've come out guns blazing? 

Damn. My new friend is surprisingly emotionally healthy (unlike 80% of people I typically encounter) and apologizes immediately rather than escalating or striking back like I'd hoped. BUT he is accepting the fact that he does in fact have a lot of nerve contacting me--meaning there's been some drama in the past.  I'M AS GOOD AT THIS AS I HAD HOPED.

I'm concerned but still frosty. I care about him, at least, hurt though I may be. Trying to keep him on the line here. If his grandma died, or he was in a car accident, and that's why he wronged "me,"  I don't want to be so mean to him that he just cuts me off.

Ummmmm. Okay. Was NOT expecting that.

So what we know:

1. He screwed over someone, but 2. he didn't want to--there was an extenuating circumstance, and 3. the emergency ended well because he escaped from something/someone.

This is like guessing someone else's Mad-Lib answers. I am genuinely intrigued and want to know his life and story at this point.

He could 100% be reverse trolling me here, but I don't care. I'm eating out of his hand. And anyway, once I figure out what he escaped from, I can double cross him and return to my pranksmanship.

I'm wracking my brain though as I wait for a reply. What on earth is happening? Is the initial message he sent me the Rosetta Stone to figuring out the rest of this convo and our secret backstory?

I look at it again and drop out everything that is nonsense words to me and get a rough translation of  "super super a1 on deck and zans."

"really much/extra noun (probably) is on deck (aka on hand, coming up soon, ready, etc.), and also some plural nouns(?)" 

The lack of syntax should have been my first red flag. "Lean not on the words of he who useth not verbs" -(1 Keighticles 2:14)

But he replies!

Okay, on first glance this doesn't make sense either. But then one "word" jumps out. "Popo." As is Police, or policía, if youre Ben Stiller in Anchorman.

But policía are not people that I attempt to get away from. I'm now concerned that I am trying to be Bart Simpson and I have Tony Soprano on the other end of this little joke. I notice the texts aren't blue like they are when an iPhone texts, and all my Breaking Bad knowledge comes flooding back: he's texting me from a burner!!!

He elaborates and clarifies.

Someone tried to set him up with the police and he *thankfully* got away. Oh dear. None of this is how I imagined it. 

I decide to do what I should have done from the beginning (if I hadn't been so giddy to start my punk'd episode): Urban Dictionary the words I don't understand from the original text.

Urban dictionary has two types of entries: those that are so elementary or stupid that even a 3 year old doesn't need to be told what they mean, AND horrifying (surely fictional) sexual terms that turn any (and basically EVERY) normal word or phrase into something that--at 35 and rather acquainted with the rated-R aspects of modern life--I'm too young and innocent to be exposed to. If you can leave this website without cringing, you've got me beat.

First mystery term: a1

Aw, okay. That's kind of what I figured. So my friend is talking about something lovely or on point. Nothing to be afraid of there!

Buuuuuut then I scroll down to the next most popular entry

horrible word blurred by me, in an example sentence that is unintelligible.

Wellllll, now I've done it. He's writing me to tell me he has some very pure cocaine. I am not in need of riding the cocoa dragon: I can't even drink two freaking cups of coffee in one day without losing my mind and trying to make friends with strangers at the grocery store, can you imagine me on cocaine (no baking soda)? I’d for sure try to balloon boy one of my kids

 I almost don't even need to search "zans" because I have some solid context now for who this guy is and why he's texting "me."

Ah. Xanax. Yes. So I'm guessing this fellow isn't a pharmacist, because though cocaine was prescribed back in the day for your dropsy, swooning spells, and overexertion in the gold rush of 1848, I don't believe its pharmaceutical heyday ever overlapped with that of Xanax. THIS IS NOT COVERED BY MY HEALTHCARE PROVIDER!

It's a drug dealer. I'm trolling a drug dealer. I regret everything and I want out. 

I immediately google my cell phone number to see if it's in any way associated with my physical address, name or children's schools (mama don't need no Man on Fire Dakota Fanning drama). It's not. Shwew.

I have not responded since then. I couldn't sit still for like 3 hours after this adrenaline spike (like I'd gotten ahold of some super super A1, amirite?). 

Ironically, I never thought I needed Xanax until this little episode! 

I think I'll talk to my doctor about it instead of my texting buddy, though.