11.19.2013

SOS

i had a massive breakdown today. if i actually wrote out what all it was about you would probably think i was being dramatic or overreacting. you'd probably be right because it really wasnt anything that should have caused a DEFCON IV level freakout. i know that in my rational brainparts. 

and yet it just took over me. like full force, relentless, all-consuming took over me. it felt like i was drowning in pure, undiluted toxic stress acid. 

i ended up having to take the morning off of work, made jesse take the kids to school, and then about 4 hours later, i was ready to talk about to jesse about it. i made a list of things that were causing this tsunami of overwhelmedness and we started sorting them into categories: 1. things i could take action steps to relieve, 2. things that jesse could actively help with and 3. things we didnt have any control over anyway and just need to pray about.. 

when i'm in a coping crisis like this, the littlest thing can threaten to sink me. the straw feels made of lead and i am a camel with a very brittle backbone. anything can further the downward spiral in my head to the point that it finally just obliterates my attitude, self-worth and peace of mind. so putting it all on paper was surprisingly helpful. whereas minutes earlier, it had had me in tears, seeing on paper, "my blush broke apart in my makeup bag and now there is pink dust everywhere" is slightly less intimidating (and almost funny...except that effing dust is EVERYWHERE). thats just one line of writing and 10 minutes of cleanup. writing it down is like turning on the lights when my imagination is running wild at night. oh, there is no monster in the closet, after all, that's just a sweater. i can deal with a big pile of sweaters a lot easier than i can deal with a horde of unknown monsters.

i also learned (for the 1,427th time) that my husband is AMAZING. i was feeling so guilty as he went down the list and said, "okay i can take care of this one. i will handle that one. i can do this while you take a nap." i was like, "that's not fair! i cant keep asking you to do things like this. then it's all on you and when are you going to finally break like i have?" and he just said, "i dont break." 

he wasnt being braggy or claiming to not have stress or get overwhelmed at times. he was just stating the fact that he doesnt struggle with this kind of issue like i do. instead of adding, "i feel guilty about putting my junk on jesse's plate" to my stress list, i decided to just shut up, believe him, and accept the blessing from jesus himself of having a husband who is able and willing to help me and who doesnt have the same personality type as me.

as i was finally headed into work i started thinking about this aspect of my personality. how insanely unhelpful it would have been to hear someone tell me, "well, you shouldnt be freaking out about such little things. you just need to calm down." solid advice, and true--for sure it's TRUE-- but completely useless in penetrating the fog or actually doing anything but making me feel worse. immediately my brain associated this idea with telling an addict that they "shouldn't" want drugs. and then i thought, "could i be addicted to stress?" 

i have heard alcoholics say that they hate drinking. hate how it makes them feel, hate how much it hurts the people in their lives; and yet they say they are powerless to stop going back to it. i usually judge these forms of addiction and pat myself on the back for being "strong enough" to not be a slave to anything so destructive. but today it hit me that i might actually be full of self-righteous crap when i think this way.  because maybe i do have an addiction that is just as destructive in its own way.

i am not trying to play the addiction card to one-up anyone or even to equate my struggles with something as serious as a substance abuse addiction, but after how fast and hard things went down today, i am also not willing to just write it off as harmless Type-A, frazzled mommy behavior. all i know is that it felt sinister, it felt hopeless, and it felt totally out of control. sadly, this was definitely not the first time i have felt this way (even in the past month) so i am going to be asking jesus about this pattern in my life and how he wants to heal it. 

another one of the items on my list of stressballs was "i havent been blogging enough." jesse talked me away from that bullet point (ha! literally) by reminding me that i dont get angry at my favorite bloggers when they dont write for awhile (it's almost laughable when i think of it like that). he assured me that the majority of people who read these posts dont do it because it's great content (though he thinks it is because he's #1), but because for whatever reason, they care about me/my story.  he said that the only reason people can relate to anything i write is because it  is authentic and real and that i cant force that just because my post frequency has dwindled lately. "when you feel strongly about something, youll feel like writing about it. just take a break until then."  um, ok? i'll try that. 

but he also encouraged me to see this as a community that could help in this very situation if i did write about it (and, two birds, one stone i'd actually be writing a post in the process!). that yall could help by praying for me. it feels a little weird to ask for prayer on my blog when it's not for something grabby, headline-making or heart-rending. but whatever, i'm not trying to win a sob-story contest. i AM trying to not destroy my fragile brain and my family in the process of making it look like i have my shit together when i ohsodont.

so i'm asking for some prayer. i'm deliberately choosing to set down the lies that produce guilt and insecurity about being an internet hot mess (even though they are so tempting to believe), and to just trust my weird, vulnerable heart to yall and be real with where i am and what i could really use help with right now.  

ok,and  this is me doing that. the end.


23 comments:

  1. Oh man! I thought I was the only one to have breakdowns like this! Life gets so overwhelming and then, bam - some little stupid thing happens and I fall apart... And I can relate to the awesome sauce pastor-boy hubby - who manages to take care of everyone else and all of my baggage, too. I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant and trying to fit in a ton of backlogged work hours from home before the little dude makes his grand entrance... while taking care of a 2 year old. (And we won't even get into the current financial woes.) So - every time I start to get overwhelmed, I'll take a minute to pray for you and then resume my freaking out. So, there will be lots of talks with Jesus from central NY for you! :)

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  2. Thanks for this. It reminds me I am not alone.

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  3. Praying for you and sending a hug and huge thank you as well! You could have been describing me in that post. I don't know if it is "holiday stress", "seasonal depression", or what but this month has been a hot mess!

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  4. Praying for you and sending a hug and huge thank you! This could have been me you were describing. I don't know if it is "holiday stress", or "seasonal depression" that is making this month so hard or what. But I have def been on the verge of a break down the last few weeks as well. You're not alone! Thanks again for sharing your heart.

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  5. Oh Katie Marie (my new pet name for you when you're exceptionally awesome, not just regularly awesome:))!! This post is so amazing, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to hear you and Jesse could sit down an talk about this! Think about how far you've come!!!! Previously, there would have been a war with somebody, and the results wouldn't have been pretty (no condemnation, just stating the facts as you've also vulnerably shared them in past blogs). This IS an amazing evidence of God's Spirit working in you!!! I'm SO proud of you! Thank you for sharing--it continues to encourage me to look at the lies thrown at me and find the message in them. I love you!!!

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  6. Oh Katie Marie (my new pet name for you when you're exceptionally awesome, not just regularly awesome:))!! This post is so amazing, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to hear you and Jesse could sit down an talk about this! Think about how far you've come!!!! Previously, there would have been a war with somebody, and the results wouldn't have been pretty (no condemnation, just stating the facts as you've also vulnerably shared them in past blogs). This IS an amazing evidence of God's Spirit working in you!!! I'm SO proud of you! Thank you for sharing--it continues to encourage me to look at the lies thrown at me and find the message in them. I love you!!!

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  7. God's been doing some major work in my life. I've come to the conclusion that, when he does these types of "big" changes in us, we can't keep quiet. We have to be vulnerable, not keep quiet about what He's going to do, what He's currently doing, and what He's done. which ultimately brings the glory back to Him.

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  8. Praying for you! Life and work and everything under the sun has been getting to me lately as well. I think the time of year with all the holidays coming up and getting gifts and coordinating travel with family and work parties and everything else just puts us over the top. Hang in there, take a deep breath, know you don't have to do it all or be perfect, we will still love you!

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  9. Thank you for your honesty. I'll pray. Just know no one ever gets sad if you don't blog. We will never leave you. But... I do understand the feeling bc my blog is my outlet and when it's been awhile I miss it bc it's my outlet. Love to you!

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  10. Thank you for your honesty. All husbands need to do everything we say ;-) no worries, you never have blog. No ones mad or going to leave you. But I understand the feeling bc when it's been awhile I feel sad bc it's my outlet. It's my way of digitally organizing memories and photos. Good luck! Love to you!

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  11. Oh did I say I'll pray? I will.

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  12. Thanks for being open. You're not alone. I'll be glad to lift you up to Jesus. Me and him are BFFs, in case you didn't know. And have no fear about not blogging enough. We'll be here when you do write. P.S. I'm still in love with my Mommy bag. It's currently being used to stash all my purchased Christmas presents. Seriously, that thing holds all of them.

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  13. Thank you for being real. Prayer said. :)

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  14. Omg my mobile makes me comment a hundred times! Roar!

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  15. Totally can relate and am praying! I am a classic spiral girl myself. I can take a few issues that I'm worried/stressed about and turn them into multiple catastrophes that will ruin our lives and several generations after. Thank the dear Lord for husbands who can calm the whirlwind and are true partners. Jesse is definitely a keeper and you need to know that your readers have your back too.

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  16. This pattern of coping coping Crashing is very familiar to me. I really love how you and your husband sat down and made a list - what a wonderful cooperative solution, not to mention how it helps to put things into perspective! Have you read the blog Hyperbole and a half? You may find her description of this pattern hilarious (if a little profane) - http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

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  17. just found your blog -- but i really like it. You're in my prayers.

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  18. just found your blog -- but i really like it. You're in my prayers.

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  19. hey k8! Love your blog and love this post! you give me inspiration! gonna go make my list now since I have been nearing freak out mode 2! love n prayers!

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  20. i love you, Keight. Blog or no blog, wordpress or blogger, humboldt or brie gone wrong. You're my IRL girl and I get feeling crazy out of control behind and overwhelmed, and I'm so glad you have a Jesus and a Jesse to lean hard on. You're great. You're a hard worker. You're an awesome, intentional mom. You're super talented and the wordsiest person I know. You don't have to publish this if you don't want to - just know that I super love you and I'm praying for you and that you are exactly you and that's who I love! xoxo-y'boo

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  21. Oh hun I hope you're feeling better. I frequently have meltdowns caused by stress and depression so I totally get where you're coming from.
    I don't have any answers but maybe look into cbt so you can spot when you're feeling this way and learn to change your actions before the meltdown.

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