6.12.2015

Another Hilarious Ebay Moment

I already had one hilarious encounter on eBay regarding athletic apparel, and today I had another. 

I was trying to find some Georgia Tech sweatpants to buy online because the university doesn't just give me like 4 free pairs per year any more (lame, right?), and all the pairs I had during my volleyball career as a player are starting to disintegrate from 15 years of use (they lasted longer than my muscle tone!).

So imagine my surprise when my search results included...myself, staring back at me along with two of my (badass all-american superstar) teammates. In the form of the media guide from our senior year.


Even my maiden name is part of the item title!


I am pretty sure I already have one of the priceless vintage relics of sports memorabilia somewhere in the attic, but for just $25 now you can have one of your very own! 

I am not a fan of that action shot they chose for the cover--my pony is way limp and my dumps too much like a truck (truck, truck)--so here are some fonder snapshots of that time that I will now compare to what's in the mirror, and try not to downward spiral facefirst into some doughnuts.

Um, why the HELL would this chick ever put on sweats?!?! I should have been walking around pantsless (well I basically was, I guess).

Fun fact: Layla asked to see me do a volleyball jump the other day and I got about 3 inches off the ground and was sore the next day. #CrushingIt.


I could probably recreate this arm-look right now, but with a mid-flight fat flap in place of a tricep.

 A white girl with cornrows. Majestic. 

Safe Sects: Love the EVERYONE

*I shared this on Facebook originally but wanted to put it here where it won't get lost or buried. And I added a bit to it.*

I haven't said anything about some of the hot-button issues lately (Caitlyn, McKinney). I have been watching and reading and pulling my hair out--cringing, and feeling sick at *some* of the things that people who look like me and label themselves like I do (white, heterosexual married, christ-follower) have been saying about and to their fellow human beings.

I have been wondering if/how to even inject my voice into this maelstrom OF SHOUTING and "them versus us." But it's not really my jam to outsmart or argue (I lack the intelligence and the patience of Jesse) or to even be "on a side."

So here's the best I can come up with:

I feel like my job, my calling, and my heart as a Jesus-follower is to be a safe person for YOU. If you're a transgender decathlete, a white cop, a black teenager, a right-wing conservative, a Buddhist, a nerd, Sammy Sosa, a vegan, my BFF, or WHATEVER. Please hear:

I want everyone who crosses my path to always feel safe with me. Your story, your pain, your "stuff," who you are---> I'm not interested in changing, minimizing, calling out or arguing against any of it. 

My #1 only "strategy" for how I--a clueless dummy--can best show you my Jesus, is for you to feel safe and heard--never rejected or judged. I'm probably going to mess it up, but I aspire to be that first and foremost. I think that being a safe haven for my neighbors speaks so much louder and is much more effective than trying to convince them of my ways or their shortcomings ever could be.

I have been zapped, whammied, blasted, and stomped by people wielding Jesus as a shame weapon and it SUCKS. If that has been your experience, I want to apologize and tell you that I don't think that is an accurate picture of Him in the slightest. 

I wasn't able to put any kind of articulate, biblical and personal thoughts together about these things in the past few weeks (mostly I was just all "OHHHH THE ANGST OF MEEEEE") until my friend shared a blog post originally written in 2013. It helped put words to my response to the hoopla and the hate. It was my, "YES! THIS IS IT!" moment.



The writer, Beth Woolsey, speaks my heart and my Jesus-reasoning on this topic better than anything I have read so far and it's a message I hope comes across from me PLEASE read it if you A: like to point out sin in others (me!) or B: have ever had your stuff called out by a Christian whose advice you weren't asking for (me too!) or C: are human (also me): 3 Reasons I Quit Loving the Sinner and Hating the Sin.  

When it's no longer my agenda to identify your sins (and put them in your "THINGS I MUST HATE ABOUT YOU" file), I have a lot more time and energy to spend actually hearing and understanding you. I have heard so many Christians say, "I was so sure that X group of people were wrong/awful, until I found out my son/brother/friend was one." The relationship can often be more powerful than issue--but only if I don't use the issue as relational TNT to obliterate any chance of a relationship and Christlike love ever developing. 

Safety first. 

Safety Officer.




5.14.2015

End of the Year Teacher Gifts: DIY Mason Jar Koozie Sleeve Tutorial

The madness has to stop.

The ideas I see on Pinterest for teacher gifts make me want to die a thousand deaths. The vast majority are pun-based, classroom-themed, or useless--some even manage to achieve all of the above. Y'all, 7 red gummi fish in a baggie with You're the Swedish teacher I could have asked for! printed in crayon font is NOT showing appreciation. It's a cop out not even worth the thank you note she now has to write you.

Both my parents were teachers their entire professional lives. My dad received more educator-themed neckties that you can shake a #2 pencil at (what color belt even matches school busses and apples?!?!). They did not want or need paraphernalia to remind them of their careers. 

Hell, I love the Excel spreadsheets I do at my job (seriously), but I don't need a hoodie that says "Keep Calm and Pivot Table On."  Okay, fair enough, I would totally wear that.

Most years I take the easy way out and just get the kids' teachers gift cards. I know they will be appreciated, used, and worst-case can be happily regifted (unlike the clay dachshund brooch my mom once received for a job well done WUT). But with 6 teachers between them, we are never able to give each one an amount that truly shows our love and appreciation for putting up with and surviving pouring into our kids so lovingly the entire year.

This year I promised myself I would use my sewing skills to make something that is genuinely useful and beautiful--and would want myself--to give each of the teachers, without spending an eternity or fortune. I am low on funds and hours but high on teacher love and appreciation!

I managed to do it for $5 per gift! Join me, won't you?



Teacher gifts should only suck if it involves a straw.

I love drinking out of a mason jar. I daily drink 4 or 5 rounds of water in mine, sometimes will do iced coffee, and have been known to naughty friends who tote a festive gin & tonic+lime inside. The one thing I hate about my jar is the condensation/sweating. I don't like wet hands or puddles on my table/desk.

So I whipped up a little koozie for myself this summer and it made all the difference. I find myself feeling actual sadness when I leave mine at home and have to drink out of a cup (or even a naked mason jar) at work. I figured this was enough love to warrant gifting the teachers with one of their own.

You can get the jars for a dollar and change each at craft stores with a coupon, or just buy a bunch at a time from Amazon and never leave home--like a good little hermit introvert/me. I like the 24oz tall, wide mouth Ball jars because they fit in my cars' cupholders as well as in my hand and they hold plenty (that's three liquid cups per fill-up, sports fans!), but this tutorial will work for any size. I got my colorful, resuable BPA free straws and lids here  at very reasonable prices (but I think craft stores sell them as well).

* I don't sell these in my Etsy shop, but there are sellers who make very similar versions. I recommend this shop if you'd prefer to buy your koozies.*


TUTORIAL:


SUPPLIES:

- 2- 2 inch pieces of half-inch wide elastic
- 8 x 10" rectangle of fabric 
- 4 x 10" rectangle of batting, (I like insulbrite because it's thermal and keeps cold in-you can get enough for 10 koozies for like $2 at Joann)

***If using a different size jar, simply adjust your measurements. Whatever the circumference of your jar is, that will be the long side of your fabric (my jar is 10" around). However wide you want your finished koozie to be: add a half inch to that and double it for the fabric rectangle width (my koozie is 3.5" finished, therefore the 8" width of my fabric). The batting will be the same length as fabric and half the width.Use same elastic measurements.  EASY!***

PICKING FABRICS: Let your kids help pick the fabrics for each teacher to give them some ownership of the process and the gift. Ask why each choice makes them think of that particular teacher so they can tell her themselves when they give it.  MOST IMPORTANTLY: resist the urge to find a fabric with multicultural skin-toned children holding hands.

1. Fold your fabric along the long edge, putting right sides together. Lay this on top of the batting. In between the 2 fabric layers, place your two elastic pieces--about 3/4 inch away from the top and bottom corners:
  

2. Pin in place, being sure to catch the elastic pieces. (also: be dazzled by my glittery ironing board cover):


3. Sew around edges, leaving 3" opening on the short end without elastic, and front/backstitching at start and stop points.:


Clip corners and trim seam allowance:

Email me for my manicure tips!

5. Turn right side out, making sure you are turning the batting layer to the inside and the fabrics to the outside. If your batting ends up outside, go back and try again:


6. Press:


7. Trim back the batting around the open section of your rectangle and then press the raw edge under to match the seam allowance:



8. Topstitch around your koozie 1/8" from edge back/front stitching at your opening (just like before). DO NOT  TOPSTITCH THE OPENING. (sorry, no photo of this step.

9. Put your koozie around your jar (icewater already inside optional), and hold the elastic in place where it naturally falls and then stretch it a little bit since we will want a secure fit) and then mark where the end of the koozie hits the elastic when stretched. (*I got my steps mixed up when I was shooting this so mine isnt topstitched below, but yours will be!)


 10. tuck elastic end inside the pressed opening--just far enough so that it meets up with the mark you just made:


11. Pin in place. STOP HERE IF YOU HATE YOUR KIDS TEACHER because this little contraption would be very painful and mean.


12. Finagle the pinned portion under your needle (it's kinda tricky because of the small circumference) and complete the topstitching to finish and close the open part, as well as trap the elastic inside. I start back farther than necessary and overlap my previous topstitching to make sure the line in continuous.  Make sure you are keeping the opposite side of the kooze out from under your needle (it may be easier to do steps 11 & 12 one at a time for each piece of elastic):



13. Snip your threads and slide her on. It may seem too snug at first, but when your sleeve starts absorbing the condensation, I've found it stretched a bit, so too tight is better than too loose.



Selfishly keep this one for yourself and then make a bunch more for anyone you need to show some love to:



Just in case they might hate the jar, play it safe with a giftcard inside too!



I couldn't resist trying to redeem the level of wordplay in teacher gifts, by adding these tags:

Right?  Because it's a drinking glass? And because my kids can drive you to alcohol? And because of the Starbucks card? See, it's a choose your own adventure triple entendre, free of charge.

"Cheers to a great year!" is boring but less potentially offensive if you wanna go that direction.

The kids can decorate the bags (block lettering isnt my life's calling, I guess).

Cost breakdown per gift:

$.2.00 - Jar: ($17.99 for 9 pack)
$3.51 - Straw with matching grommet lid:  ($35.10 shipped for 10 sets)
$.50 - Cost of Insulbrite and fabric (I actually had these on hand, but seriously it's pennies for the amount needed)
$0 - 3 episodes of Bob's Burgers on Netflix while I sew.
MY HEART PIECES - because teachers are saints

$5.51 each before the giftcard, for a gift that I would love to receive, and therefore am glad to do unto others. Or you could do what one student of my parents did, and get them this:

Not Kidding, the actually got this. (I found this picture on eBay because the one my parents were given was regifted away in a White Elephant game long ago).

What's the best/worst teacher gift you've ever witnessed?