googly-i's

it occurred to me recently that you probably could start an online dating service based on a new type of compatibility algorithm: recent google searches.

because really, who knows more about your current interests, musings, and weird medical complaints than your stalwart friend, Mr. Google?

with him as matchmaker, i'm betting everyone could find someone as weird and secretly rash-covered as they are! obviously, there would be a strong confidentiality clause built in to our Terms of Service Agreement (wait, "our?!" am i actually starting this site?!) because people often ask google things that they would NEVER ask another human being out loud (i.e. "explain black people's hair." that one from yours truly).

and since i have already found my soulmate and we are obviously compatible in every way (he brings me cheese), i can waive my right to confidentiality and share some of my own recent google searches.

"average transit times for crossing the atlantic throughout history" because i am reading an alexander hamilton biography and i need to know how long the information lag is as far as the colonies receiving news from europe. and because from the vikings to the concorde, holy moly, what a cool undertaking and display of technology=efficiency.

"amazon super saver shipping not working" ugh. as of october 21, you have to spend $35 minimum to get this. BARF! i feel so betrayed.

"how tall is zac brown?" because i am 95% sure i ran into him leaving a doctor's appointment.

"big booty hoes" um this was NOT an image search, but rather a brushing up on lyrics from the classic song so that i could make a pun on my friend's buddha picture on instagram.

"how do you pronounce Exchequer?" because, seriously, english people? what a weird word. 

"what happened to kim kardashian's face?" answer: lots of plastic surgery. yucko.

"james madison university" because their mascot is the dukes, and i mean, i would love to get a nice "dukes" shirt and rock it because of funny.

"how to simulate bangs" a halloween costume related inquiry.

"is eyebrow dandruff a thing?" oh yes it is, and looks like i have it. along with FACE DANDRUFF. dont worry, this IS the most embarrassing thing ever. i always thought i just had persistent dry skin from my eyeballs up in the winter time, but dr. google says that it's Seborrheic dermatitis, or cradle cap....of the face....on a grown up. dont laugh, you probably have it too since it's stupid common. and dont mind me while i'm over here swapping out my face wash for head & shoulders. #shuntheleper

"mean preschool friends" ugh. i dont even want to talk about this one. but it pertains to judah and it is heartbreaking and it totally proves original sin.

"thomas jefferson was an ass" YES HE FREAKING WAS. i am so mad because i spent my first 20 years thinking that he was my favorite president. NOT NOT NOT. turns out he's a racist, backstabbing, sniping, patrician cowardly punk. 

"how do i find a list of my recent google searches?" because i'm too smart for my ownself..

ok, there. i showed you mine. why dont yall ctrl+H and divulge some of your weirdest recent googs.