i hate reading the bible.
every time i go back and read that my fingers want SO BADLY to backspace it or retype it with some qualifiers or padding that make it [and me!] look a little better and not like such a dirty sintence.
but i wont untype it. because not typing it doesnt make it any less true, and what i really want is for it to not be true and i think talking about it publicly and getting it in the light can help (not talking about it for years sure hasnt).
but i wont untype it. because not typing it doesnt make it any less true, and what i really want is for it to not be true and i think talking about it publicly and getting it in the light can help (not talking about it for years sure hasnt).
i've been telling myself and jesus for a long time now, "i just dont love the bible--like as a book i'm supposed to read--but i TOTALLY still love god's word, i promise, okay?"
um...wicka-wicka-WHAT?
yes, it's loco. it's like saying i love judah, but not my firstborn son. not happening. #logicishard
***ED: i need to insert here that i am not talking about having problems with the actual translation, authenticity, or history of the bible and how it was assembled or chosen or handed down and all that (i did at one point but not anymore), but i understand that can be a huge issue for lots of folks. that's not what i am dealing with right here. i completely accept as a part of my faith that the bible i have on my nightstand and in my phone app is god's word and the exact and complete and correct version of the story he wants to tell me. that's what makes this even worse!***
recently jesus ever-so-gently shook me out of this stupid irrationalization and told me that in fact, i don't love his word and don't really care about what he has to say to me because if i did, i would read the bible; would WANT to read the bible.
that was a sucky realization. but i think it's better than deluding myself.
even since realizing this, not much has changed. the closest i can get is wanting to want to read the bible. FRIG, that's still like 2 steps away from actually opening it and reading!
my M.O. for years--since becoming a christian at 21--has been that i got the message of jesus; his the cool, hippie-love, upside-down, kind of counter-culture message. that was what i would hang my spiritual hat on. i didnt so much need the bible and could do a better job of showing jesus to the world without it. (this is actually funny and absurd when i see it written, but this is really what goes on in my head!).
i tend to think, "weeeeeeeeeeeell , the bible is kind of a drag and has some weird-sounding joo-joo in it that really freaks people out, probably best that i just tell them about how dope jesus is FIRST and then once they love him, they can find out about the confusing scrapbook he left behind, but i dont want it to harsh my mellow beforehand." (evangelical keight is kind of a stoner i guess?)
i saw (and still see!) myself like michael scott, trying to get the office all excited about beach day activities and make them seem cool. but then lame-nerd dwight gets over-excited and way too into it, and michael has to say, "okay, you know what? your enthusiasm is turning everyone off!"
i just want to be like COOL IT, BIBLE! i'm trying to help us both out and your enthusiasm for mass slaughter, menstrual-restrictions, pastoral parables and LSD-like prophecy are totally tanking my game here! just shut up, sit on the bench, and let me handle this.
since i did and do love jesus, i convinced myself that this was okay, but the fruit of this behavior has sadly been an immature relationship with my king.
i dont know if it is a satanic attack, selective ADD, or sheer ineptitude on my part, but whenever anyone starts to read aloud from the bible, within like 8 words, my mind has glazed over and i am not hearing anything. it's really freaky. even when i say, "okay i am going to LISTEN this time" within seconds i am flatlining mentally and checked out.
or how sad/funny/bizarre is it when a friend is sharing what jesus is teaching them lately, and they are like, "this scripture is just WRECKING me right now," and then they recite or read it aloud and i'm like, "....woooooow. yeah. mmmmmm. powerful stuff?" because inside it's like, *crickets* and the words are just hitting the brick wall of my heart and could just as easily be a grocery list for all the impact they have on me.
or how sad/funny/bizarre is it when a friend is sharing what jesus is teaching them lately, and they are like, "this scripture is just WRECKING me right now," and then they recite or read it aloud and i'm like, "....woooooow. yeah. mmmmmm. powerful stuff?" because inside it's like, *crickets* and the words are just hitting the brick wall of my heart and could just as easily be a grocery list for all the impact they have on me.
the god of the universe who hung the planets and sculpted me from the dirt left a magic book on earth as a way of talking specifically TO ME and my heart, where i am, in 2013, and my response? i kind of just cant be bothered to pay attention.
or maybe it's a faith thing. maybe i dont like reading the bible because i just dont really believe? i can at least pretend to love jesus if i am never confronted with things he said that i have problems with or that clearly go against how i live my life.
the bible i have is a study bible. it has all the notes and stuff on the bottom of every page. when i do force myself to crack it open, i always find myself lingering on the bottom half of the page, looking for a theologian or commentator to give me an explanation of something jesus or god or a prophet said. if i come across a verse that doesnt jive with my view of how god should act (like if he's not being the friendly, hippie jesus that i have created), i'm immediately looking for a note that has some translation options or cultural caveat that will get me off the hook for being in disagreement with god.
i am looking to other people, and my own meager understanding to whitewash or put spin on the word of god. to water it down so that it isnt offensive or confusing or even challenging to me.
by not letting god himself--in his backward-seeming, mysterious, spit-and-mud-in-your-eyeballs and cut-the-tips-off-your-sons-penises kind of way--reveal HIS meaning for his word in my life, i am taking the magic out of the magic book.
how many times have you heard someone say, "i had heard that verse a million times, but it didnt hit me until...XYZ?" god is so cool that he knew the moment the scribes put pen to papyrus two thousand years ago exactly which verses would come alive to our individual hearts at which times and even authored how they could seemingly lie dormant (though visible) on the page until it was time for them to speak for him to us.
so two days ago god told me to get a different bible. to stop being distracted by the study notes and to let HIM speak for him. to let his word on the page commune (i hate churchy words, but it's the correct vocab here) with the word he wrote on my heart with the holy spirit.
he told me that he can speak for himself, especially to my heart that he created, ransomed and redeemed.
he told me not to be afraid of losing anything of my faith that was ever worth having. that his truth wont wash away the crazy-magic-earth-shattering-hippie-love parts of him that first drew me to the cross, that his truth focuses and grows and matures my understanding of who he really is. it tempers, refines, and distills the good and obliterates the impurities that my stupid, sinful, keight-serving worldview has infected my faith with.
this doesnt mean that i dont need to hear testimonies, do devotions or listen to sermons that further reveal or teach or share god's word. it just means that i feel like god is telling me that i have looked to those things too much for too long and that i am in need of getting back to the source material and making it my firm foundation.
so all that said, my confession is still true. i still dont like the bible. i dont feel like reading it. i wish that having jesus open up my eyes to this stuff was enough to make me read the whole freaking thing in one sitting, but i guess i just suck or something because it hasnt been. i believe what he has told me and that he is going to grow me in this way, but i am looking for some practical solutions, tools, or shared experience to help me get there.
have you ever gone through a period of just kind of being "over" the bible (yes i feel like i'm about to get lightning smote just TYPING that!)? how did you deal? push through it a force yourself? pray? wait and hope?
what have you personally had success with in terms of becoming dependent upon the bible? of taking it from a "i'm supposed to" to a "i need to" or "i cant wait to" (that sounds so far fetched to me, btw!).
*i hope this wasnt offensive to anyone. i think if god can love me while i am running from his word, it should be okay for me to share this struggle with others. please dont hate or scold me for where i am right now, or if you need to, dont do it in the comments.*
oh and i am updating this after publishing to add one true qualifier. i first published this with the lead sentence saying "i hate the bible," and later was convicted that NO I DO NOT. jesus is the word made flesh so, while i have ignored fostering my relationship with him through the word for a long time now, i have NEVER hated his word. hopefully from this post you can tell that i dont actually hate the bible itself, or wish it didnt exist. i was trying hard not to sugar-coat the truth of where i am and i think i accidentally arsenic-coated it instead. sorry about that!
oh and i am updating this after publishing to add one true qualifier. i first published this with the lead sentence saying "i hate the bible," and later was convicted that NO I DO NOT. jesus is the word made flesh so, while i have ignored fostering my relationship with him through the word for a long time now, i have NEVER hated his word. hopefully from this post you can tell that i dont actually hate the bible itself, or wish it didnt exist. i was trying hard not to sugar-coat the truth of where i am and i think i accidentally arsenic-coated it instead. sorry about that!
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